If I'm happy

If I'm happy why do I keep
This
Engaging
In self destructive
Self punishment
Behavior
They say we accept the love we deserve (500 summers?)
I miss my sadness
I miss it
I miss the void
The despair
There's nothing there
But easy smiles
Half lies
Half truths
I love her
I truly do
You expect a "but"
But there's not but
I love her
I'm happy
Finally
Everything I wanted
I love her
I love her
No more sad smiles
Nothing is sad anymore
And I miss it
The sound of loneliness
It's not there anymore
Maybe it's just asleep
I thought it as part of me
Of who I am
I killed it
I'm happy
And I miss it
I miss the starvation
I miss it
So fucking much
Yet, I'm happy.
If I'm happy
Why
Why
Am I
Happy