Almost forever

I said I'd write a book for you. Sorry if it is in english. It flows better. Also a little bit short. Maybe this reads more like a letter. Or the preface or a larger work in progress. Where should I start? From the beginning? Nah, what good story ever starts with the beginning? Let us start with the end.

The end

You still have your bright blue eyes and blonde hair and, despite your age, you're as beautiful as the day we first met. You can still turn heads and freeze a room with your presence. When was it? 60, 65 years ago? As I lie here in this bed it's hard to remember all the details, but I never forgot our teen years. Turbulent as they were between us, we knew even then we'd end up together. There you are, smiling at me. That smile that tears at me. A smile that says I love you. I miss it already. I try to say I love you back, but no words come out. My eyes flicker and, somehow, I know you know what I want to say. We have this way about us. No matter what, we know each other. We always have. Our little kids, now so grown up, appear one by one. L. and F. we decided to call them. He has your eyes, lucky one. The poor girl got my hair, although with your shades of sun. For that - and so much more - I'm grateful. Alongside them there they are. Our little mischievous demon pack we call grandchildren. For us, who only got together so late, to think our children would have kids of their own so early. I dreamt of that, even then, in those dark days. I couldn't fathom a future without you and I almost fucked everything up. I shouldn't say fuck. No one likes an old rude man. Except you. You always loved me, no matter what. It was always you who stood there by my side, even when I indulged in my whims and tantrums. You endured it all. It saddens me. Remembering how foolish I was at times. The oldest one has my demeanor (he's my favorite, but don't tell anyone). Clumsily, he climbs on the bed and lies near. Those eager amber eyes remind me of myself. I hear many words but "grandpa" is the only thing I can discern. Why is everyone here? No one ever visits me at the same time. Your smile on my face grounds me and lifts me up at the same time. I know you're hurting, so I hurt as well. Your pain is my pain after all. Don't need to hide it from me. Your hand rests on mine. That familiar warmth fills my heart. Wish we had more time. A lifetime together and still not enough to tell you how sorry I am, how much I love you, how much I curse the laws of nature that would steal you away from me. So I write these words. May they transcend time and live on. You were a light dancing in my darkness with no regrets or hesitation, keeping the wolves away. They caught up to me. Time to face them.

With all my love,

M.J.C.