A never ending poem
You never love someone as much as when you say you're sorry
Admitting that sweet defeat is the best thing you'll feel all day
Yet, it's hard.
It gets hard.
Sometimes you're not sorry.
Sometimes you can't be.
Sometimes you're the one who needs to hear it.
A sorry can save your life for a day
That day.
Saying it
Hearing it
Sincerely.
There's no greater experience.
Now, don't take it the wrong way and be weak.
There's a difference in I'm sorry
And being apologetic
I'm sorry is whispered
Yelled
Cried
Loved
Pained
It goes through fires
It steps on the ashes
Drowns in misery
Yet, it's strong
It's love
Being apologetic is something else entirely.
Apologize for your existence and let us be
The crazy ones
The normal ones
The in love ones
Shout and hurt in pain and joy
How sorry we are
How in love we are
Oh, how I love you.
How I will love
How many times will I say I'm sorry.
Not enough
I'm sure
But I will be
As sure as the winter springs
I will love you for how sorry I am
For all the stupid things
The dumb arguments
What can't be let go
What has been let go
Against my will
Your will
Our will
We lie in bed
What seems a whole world dividing us
And I feel it
The good
The ugly
The good outweighing the ugly
Still the ugly wins somehow
I'm sorry
Did it fix it?
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
That's me saying I love you
How I do love you
This bed's warmth is tainted by the coldness of your absence
I will miss you every day and that wouldn't be enough
To show you
I can write a hundred thousand lines
I can sing a hundred thousand songs
And still, come up short.
We drink and take the pills and go to sleep
It works
Most of the times
Others not so much
I keep thinking of you
Very stalker-like
In your bed
Eyes closed
Slow breathing
Dreaming those bad dreams you tell me about
Some are good
But most are bad
I want to be there and look at you
Hold you in my arms
Remembering we'll never have to leave
If we don't want it
Laughing at everything
Something we overheard
But you sleep now
And sleep you become
This is a never-ending poem
Of how I love you
Of how I loved you
Of how I'm sorry
Remember our first kiss
Under the stars
A perfect fit for a poem like this
Remember when we just talked
An hour ago
And I can barely handle it
Fuck
I miss you
I am sorry
I am
I love you
As a flower loves the sun it can never reach but still touches it.
Just showers in its radiance and is glad the sun loves it back
As a cage with the open door loves the bird who chooses to stay
Was that too poetic?
Sweet dreams, little one.
I will never be too afraid to say
Sorry, but I love you.
You said it again tonight
Same as the others before
A sad kind of I love you
AN I love you say when you don't want to
Second worse to
"Me too"
You've been saying it for some nights now
And tonight again
I don't feel it anymore
The warmth
The fire we had
No,
The fire you had.
It's gone
Dead
In its place, there's something I can barely recognize
An attempt
An obligation
Like you're trying to convince yourself of this something
You keep saying and isn't true
Every day there's a bit more of less
We notice the growth of missing things
And I can feign shock at it
But I know they're gone
They've been going for a while now
Lost sparks
Maybe an ember still remains from the debris the multiple disasters caused
I don't have you anymore
Other people do
Other people deserve to
What can you do
When you know the night is inevitable
Wait for the morning, sure
But mornings are cold and take too much time to arrive.
Besides you wake up sad and drunk from the night before
Midday is too hot, too uncomfortable.
The afternoon is when it starts
Like spring
But unlike spring, afternoon gives birth to a new night
You're stuck in this cycle forever
The time you have in this world
Is constantly stolen
By shit you need to buy
Shit you need to say
Shit you need to finish
there are 24hours in a day.
I'd say from those 24h, you have a couple of minutes to yourself only
No one can steal them from you
When you get up
our stomach is aching
and you sit your ass in that toilet
And you take your daily shit
that's it
that's your day
the best part of it
everything else is dead
And gone
or going
You're alone
you
and your shit
How many pills to help me sleep
I lost count
3 varieties
Many of them
What's wrong
Is it back?
Like an old prophecy
I know why
But I can't tell you
You have more on your mind
I'm just a burden
I put you to sleep
A headache
Something starts to hurt
Can't blame you
But I am lost
I feel alone
I'm lonely
It's like you're not there
Not completely
Just a part of you
The bare minimum
To justify the I love you
Today was special
You made my day
I sent you a picture of mine
Not my best
But You told me I was handsome
I was genuinely happy
Probably happier than I've been in a long while
You also sent me a <3
You know I love those
Maybe I'm being unfair
Most likely indeed.
But there's this feeling I get
It seems you don't care
As much
As you once did
I try to stay positive
For both our sakes
I need you to say everything is going to be all right
Yet all I hear from you
Is "I"
Instead of "we"
It feels like you're planning for a future without me
And I don't know what to do
How to handle it
Not only if that's the truth
But the mere thought of it
What if I'm just being insecure and make things worse if I bring it up?
What if you remember all the bad things and we break up again
Every day I feel a little bit closer to the edge
I took a small leap the other day
Disappear.
You're responsible for me
Without even knowing it
You'll never know it
Don't want a relationship out of fear and manipulation
All I have left is my own thoughts
Another sleepless night
Wondering how can I make things right
How did I fuck up so much
How much of it is your fault?
And mine?
Is it you?
Is it me?
I know what you're going through
Maybe I'm being unfair
I just miss you
I miss you missing me
And doing all the crazy shit we used to do
I miss seeing your smile
Your smell
Your touch
Your warmth
I love you so much it hurts
It never stops hurting
It's not supposed to be like this
Your own words
You're never happy
Always miserable
While I'm trying my hardest
It breaks what's left of my heart.
All I wanted was to keep happy
Be happy
Keep a future
Be a future
No future without the self
I look at tomorrow and see another nothing
Just and you and I
Drifting away
Taken by different currents
As we once were on the same ship
That sunk
And the raft only had a spot for one
I can barely see you these days
There's a shape of you
And I can remember most of it
Your sun-touched hair and ocean-covered eyes most of all
I try to weep but I can't
For a moment there I truly believed
I really did
That I would never find you drifting away
I'm alone and not okay with it
By the day the sun eats at me
The reflection on the water mocks me
Taunts me
Begs me
To give in
I want to
So much
What's left, I try and ask
No answer
I do wonder how would life be without me
How long until you found love again?
Would you remember me always?
Or just the bad parts like you say.
Just the bad
Just the bad
Just the yelling
The cursing
The arguments
Things I did before we got together
Everything counts
That's who I am to you
That's the memory you'll forever hold of me
Not the guy who loved to embrace you
Just someone who did you harm
It breaks me
It really does
You talk like we'll never have a future
Rather
Your future doesn't include me
Who can blame you
I won't
My future doesn't include me either
Just a matter of courage
I almost got it right the other day
I don't believe in gods
But I do wonder
Anything to stop this pain
I try and numb it
Act like I don't care
But I do
I care so much
It takes everything away from me
Trying to act like this
It's late
And I don't have anywhere else to be
How easy it Would've been
Nah
It probably wouldn't
I write every day without you knowing
About you
About us
I never read it
I just type
I don't sign any dates but today is 23 of June.
We haven't seen each other since march
And that's okay with you
When I think about it
It's sad that I still want you
Still crave you
Still love you
You feed me crumbs
Little pieces
And I should be grateful
I am nothing
I've become nothing
Not that I was much before
But at least I was a little something
You broke me
You tore me apart
But it's my fault
It doesn't make any sense
I try and justify it
'Because I love you'
But there's no excuse
Would have been so much easier back then
Oh, I cried and I suffered
I relive that day every single day of my life
But that was a year ago and I Would have been fine by now.
Nah, I wouldn't
I'll always love you, no matter what you do or say.
Be strong
Be weak
We don't care
You'll be what you'll have to be
There's no fate around it
We're bound
Locked in
No place to go
Nowhere to be
Can't even stand still
The fires won't let us
What's the way out
No way out
Easy way out
There is one
Only a few see it through the end
The lucky bastards
An actor passed away recently
Suicide
5 children
A wife
A good job
Rich.
Happy.
No reason to be sad about.
by any standard you could use to measure it
I can tell you what happened
Death is underrated
Only those who stay weep because it happened
That actor
That brave man
Is free now
Forever
No more pain
No more sleepless nights staring at the void
Would you miss me?
I asked already, but I'll ask again
How much would you miss me
Enough?
What is enough?
I want to go so badly
But I want to see you as well
One last time
I miss you
I miss everything
I miss how you used to love me
Maybe one-day things could go back to how they were
Doubt it
Too much damage
I know it's over already
It will be over soon
Got a letter in the mail
Saying I'm no good
I need to be better
I want to
But so many rejections start to get to you
You believe in them
Become what they say you are
Not what you could be
If you were just a little bit different
A bit more talented
A bit luckier
A bit more good looking
You see, you'll never be enough
Not to yourself at least
Who's to say what's good and what's bad
They just hold the fucking check
I guess that makes them right
I consider myself a decent person
Average in every single way
And then you come
Like all the others
And convince me otherwise
Suddenly I'm something else
I'm better
I can be better
I believe
Then you leave
Disappointed I'm sure
And I'm the same average guy
That I've always been
A little sadder now
A little more broken
You're a tool of destruction
I guess you have the right to destroy what you build
But fuck me
I wish you wouldn't
Another no
What am I to do
Remember the raft and the big ocean I talked about?
Forget that
You're so out of reach, I'd sooner touch the sun
The worst part is knowing there's
Nothing I can do
Accept what you can't control
That's what wise men say
But I'm not wise
A man, sure
But dumber than dumb
You're already gone and I still think you're here
How stupid can I be
I wanted to do the right things
At the right time
We had a plan
No plan now
Nothing
Just empty promises and a fever dreamed future
Shit
It seems as distant now as when we first met
Took us 15 years to build something
2 to fuck it all up
Maybe everything will be all right
And it will be
One way or the other
My only solace is these words you'll never read
No one will ever do
A pity, almost
But who cares what I have to say
You know that dream we all have
We're kids and lost somewhere
And we run and we cry
For something
For someone to come and rescue us
And if the dream ends well
You find that person
That person holds you
Wipes your tears away
And that feeling
That relief
Is pure bliss
I live for that feeling
I yearn it
Search it
I finally found it in you
That's how I know I love you
Other people might know in different ways
But that's mine
The thing is
I don't feel that anymore
I shiver and tremble
At what you say
It's never good enough to rest my fears and anxieties
But also never that bad.
Well, I mean...
This time I guess it was
And last time as well
Maybe some more than that
Can't really tell anymore
I'm no angel neither
I'm aware
So...
Writing this seems to help
It also doesn't
It's a cop-out
I don't deserve to feel better
I just wanted to feel at peace
Knowing things will be all right either way
But what I do feel is
Nothing will ever be all right
Not without you anyway
How sad is that?
Don't answer that
Let me just keep going
And write until I can't feel my fingers
Thinking about another rejection
Another fight
Another shit
That shouldn't have ever happened
Who gives a fuck anymore
I don't want it anymore
Not like this
No
Never like this
No man can love a woman so much he forgets himself
What he is
What he is supposed to be
Love can do a lot of things
But not that
Not like this
You're young and beautiful
I envy you
I want to let go
It's just been hard
I'm trying really hard
Really really hard
Do you know about the tree that never grew?
I wrote about it
Never showed it to youSomething like
There's a tree that never grew
That's it
A tree
Shit
Every time I wake up I'm disappointed
My body knows what I want to
My brain as well
Can't it just turn off
Like a switch
Why do I have to be the one to do it
They say there's no free will
Whoever wrote me
Needs more writing lessons than I do
Give me more plot and less character development
What the fuck am I even saying right now
Talking to god?
I prayed
I admit it
In desperation
I prayed
For you
To come back
For everything to be all right
I held my hands close
And I believed
I had faith
God gave no answer
Not even god believes in me
He knew I'll never believe in him
But isn't he supposed to be all-knowing
All mighty
And fair?
I just want to have a quiet life
With you
The One I Love.
Really
That's all
I don't care how
That's everything
All I do is with that goal in mind
I want a PhD so I can have a good job
So you can be proud of me
And I can do things for us
Fuck, I'm so lame
I can't feel my hands
I'm sorry
That's it for tonight
This might well be the last poem I'll write
Today was the day
I knew it was coming
I saw it
I felt it
Still couldn't prepare myself
We're being torn to pieces
For such stupid shit
Call me a romantic
But nothing except us matters
Shouldn't matter
I can't understand why
The how
You gave me
Doesn't make sense
Those who love, endure
Those who love, hang on
Those who love can't imagine
Losing the ones they love
It's too painful
Those who love can't deal with it
Yet, you kept saying
'I love you'
'Love of my life'
But you want out
No time for me
Everything is ruined
No room for me there
Only certain people allowed
I am not one of them
I tried
I begged
Couldn't get through
Meanwhile 4 months have passed
Since we last saw each other
Is this love?
Is this it?
Not from what I feel
Not from what I know
I would absolutely die for you
Say the word
And I would
I can't imagine living without you
Except I have no choice
Again
I have no choice but seeing you walking away
Morning came
Said the sun was gentle
I believed it
For a moment
I stepped outside
Longer than I should have
Move, says the moon
The sun obeys
Waving me goodbye.
We talked again
We had our moments
But nothing changed
I'm back to the nothingness
That this is
We're wasting time
Just
Wasting time
Will you ever regret it?
I do
All the times we could've
But we didn't
In the past
You agreed
We made the same promises
It's amazing though
We talk
After 2 weeks
Like no time has passed
Maybe that's too little time to properly evaluate
A month and a half
5 months
Vacation now
No vacation for me
There's no rest in this brain of mine
I've been managing to sleep
But I know it won't last
Until something happens
Until I know something happened
Hope I never will
Think I'll just die
But...
That's why we broke up, right?
So we could be free
Like you said
But you also pray that I don't find someone else
It's funny
None of this makes any sense
I told you I found it hard to believe you liked me
You gave me the right answer
"I don't need you to believe me."
You're right.
I don't.
But then you say all the other things
We talk all the other things
Almost normal
You blame the universe
"We'll see"
Your words
If something changes
Yeah
That's what everyone wants to hear
"We'll see if I'll like you enough to finally be with you."
I'm not telling half the things
You came up with some excuse
That you didn't want to drag me into the mud and the shit you're in
Yeah
Lucky for me I was the only one you pushed away, am I right?
Still got your little friends
Making your little trips
Enjoying the weekends with them
Enjoying the summer
Don't get me wrong
If that makes you happy
Sure
It just doesn't make sense
Saying you love me, you still miss me, you still want to be with me, promises of a future
But then
I'm pushed away
"We'll see"
Your words
Yeah
Love doesn't work on "we'll see"
You either want it or not
Right now you don't want it from me
Saying there won't be anyone else
None of my business at this point
But you're taking me for granted
Too bad I still love you with all my heart
Am I being a schmuck?
Don't think so
You pushed me out of your life like I was nothing
Because of bullshit reasons
I was the only thing that changed
Everything else remained the same
You know
How much
It hurts
Knowing this?
That
I
Was the one you ditched first chance you got
Sure, you claim you have your reasons
None of your business is my business
Vice-versa
Yeah
I thought we could be different
Guess we fucked up too much
I fucked up too much
Even though
I think you fucked up more than me
I'm more forgiving
Because I'm forgetful
But yeah
I loved you
And I was sad
And I wanted to be with you
But it shouldn't have gone past that
It would've been easier for me then
At least I was justified
Now it's just a mess
Can't even begin to describe it
You don't want to be with me
Because you don't want to burden me with your problems
Because you still believe I love my ex-gf
Because I said this and that in the past
"I have a thousand reasons not to be in this relationship"
Yeah
I guess so
If you say so
You're not
It just doesn't make sense
And you're wrong
About everything
Don't know where you got all these shitty ideas
But yeah
No relationship would ever survive this
"I believed that you actually liked me a bit"
Your words
Yeah, liking you a bit made us last 2 years lol
It wasn't real feelings or anything
Fuck that
You're wrong
You're so fucking wrong
And blind
You can't see anything
Of what really matters
And is important
You'll regret it
All this time lost
Anyway
I hope you're well.
At least that
Will never change.
I guess I'm at anger now
I need to calm down
It's the seventh of August
Things aren't looking good
Bad days and worse days
There's all there is
"We'll see"
"We'll see"
Yeah
We'll see indeed.
This is such bad writing
I'm glad I never read the shit I type
oh
I'm aware of it
That's why I avoid it
Turns out
Trying to write without a filter
In a diary-journal kind of style
Isn't too appealing
What does it matter anyway
This is for no one to read.
It's Sunday
I feel like something changed
Call it intuition
Something definitely changed.
I'll mark the day so I'll know
9 of August 2020.
My anxiety tells me it's something bad (for me)
I have no real way of knowing though
Except asking you
And I already made an exception to that
DIdn't want to
But had to
I still don't understand why you did what you did
And
Why you're doing what you're doing.
But that's not for me to figure out anymore.
I just know something has changed this weekend
Will I ever know what it was?
Probably not.
Just another shitty day to go through
There's only a million of them left
A billion
Whatever, you do the math.
I want to go back
To being well
Don't know how much of a beating I can take
Every morning
We have our 11's
They warm my heart
When you do them
In my head all I can think of is
You're seven seconds away
Of meeting the true love of your life
And I should be happy for you
But I'm not
I want you by my side
Forever
They say love isn't selfish
I don't care
It kills me
Every day is agony
I don't want to be that bitter person
Too broken to love
Or be loved
I want to be what I was
When I was with you
Something changed
Something Changed
Something changed
Something Changed
9-8-2020 (European format)
Mark it
If someone ever reads this
You will know
That
I knew.
Write hard and clear
Not well, we might add.
Doesn't get harder or clearer than this
I still have this feeling that something changed
I still haven't found out what
Don't hide.
Don't run away from the rain.
For while you're busy trying to dodge the sky
The ground beneath bequeaths you.
I see you
For the millionth time
It always feels like the first
Of course, this was only a dream
But a dream is real enough.
Often a dream is real enough
To make you wonder
If we should ever wake up.
I wanted to watch the sunset today
For a moment I thought it would be beautiful
Would make me happy
Then I remembered
The last two I saw
Were with you
And I decided not to
I wept with saudades
Angry at myself for feeling like this.
I think we just had our best talk yet
We decided to stop talking
For real this time
I showed you this
I guess it made you understand what I was feeling
It's for the best
Love yous were said
Couldn't ask for more
I wept, I admit
But if you're here so far along
You already know I have no shame addmiting I cry over you
We talked for the past couple days
We argued a bit
You're still as beautiful as 5 months ago
I know it's not that long
But that's what people say
Fuck
I miss you
How I love you
How I love you
How I want you next to me
Holding my hand
Why do I, baby
Why do I
That's a song
I just sent you
It's a sad song
A beautiful song
But a sad
Sad song
I ended up showing you this
I don't regret it
Nothing I wrote here is a lie
Bad
or an attack on you
I always tried to tell your side
The hows and whys
Even if they hurt me
We agreed not to talk
But we're talking right now
Gravity
It's so fucking obvious to me
That we just belong to each other
That
The feelings didn't disappear
But everything remains the same
We talk like best friends
If only life could be easy
6th-grade style
You like me
I like you
Will you be my girlfriend?
Yes
No
How I wish I could go back
Not many years
Moments
seconds earlier
Of things said
And done
And slap myself in the face
Say
"don't you do it"
I would
I'd have to remember them all
Oh
But I would
I would
We agreed (again)
To stop talking
After we talked all day
After we said everything
That should be said
There's no more fears of things left unspoken
But the reality remains
That you're not sure
This isn't what you want
But we talk
And we talk
And we talk
And we talk some more
We talk so we can forget
Other people drink
We talk
And it's so good
It's the best thing in the world
Talking with you
Shit
You had a mini breakdown
And I called you
We laughed
Talked some more
Cried
Talked some more
Things seem so normal
I told you
"We talk like we just saw each other and we're going to see each other tomorrow"
They say time is relative
Distance is relative
Feelings don't disappear
I miss you
I missed all of that
I missed all of yesterday
But I still miss you whole
Like
Really whole
Here
With me
In my arms
We can talk and play boyfriend/girlfriend
Because it feels good for both of us
But fuck
I miss it
I can't stop talking to you though
You say Good morning
And that's it
That's all it takes
All you have to do is say hello
Am I being stupid?
If I am
I'll never be sorry
It feels good to be stupid
It hasn't felt this good for a while
Even if many things are still missing
And might never come back
I find myself still trying to do things right by you
Your jobs is killing you
All I can think is: you have to find a good way to make money FAST
But you wouldn't even dare accept my help
It's just how I think
How I wish I could help
How I wish that you wanted it
Or relied on it
I could in some ways, you know?
At least
I think I could
I think I am
Actually
We're playing and laughing right now
Wonder how long it will last
Until you're gone again
Because of something I said
Or did
Or something else that happened
We keep trying to move apart
From each other
But it isn't easy
We did for what
2 weeks?
But still
Nothing changed yet
You opened up a bit more
but nothing that could change things
Funny
As I typed this
You said you were bored
We were playing a silly game
Kinda hurt
Not gonna lie
But I know the feeling
It's amazing how I can face today with no worries
What I'm worried about is the tomorrows
Based on the yesterdays
I'm not even trying to be poetic or anything
It's just...
Experience.
Meh
Nothing changing
Is also a sign of change
We have to take it as they come
My feelings won't disappear
I don't know what's best anymore really
Talk? Not talk?
Take it slow?
Cut it all and hope we're both will be ok?
So many questions
And no answers
Because nothing about us
Is simple at the moment
It could be
Could've been
But it isn't
And you've read half of this already
Because I told you in one of my worst nights
But I'll keep writing like you'll never read this
Without any fear of consequences
And this is what I feel
I'm lost
As to what's best
I know what I want
I know what I need
But is that the same
Of what you want
What you need?
Can't be all selfish
Although I want to be
I eager for it
I want you all to myself
FOr a week
Two weeks
The rest of my life
Just kidding
I want you for the rest of my life
But with your own life as well
You told me you stopped doing things because of me
I disagreed
But was saddened by it
I didn't see any change
If anything
You started doing even more things
But what do I know
I just want you well
For the moment
Right now
This second
It seems you're doing well
With me.
Just have to enjoy it while I can
No expectations.
It shouldn't have to be like this
We should be at a point
Where we both know where we are
In relation to each other
Don't you agree?
Been 2 years after all
But that's something yet to be seen
As I said
Right now
This moment
Is ours
And it's glorious
And magnificent.
So
It's Sunday the 23.
August
Where to start?
From the beginning
I suppose
But it's the in-between that mattered
The end that broke me apart
Not because it was bad
Because it was so good
And I'm fogging up
For how much I miss you
How much I didn't understand
How much I love you
The beginning.
We were talking, not talking
Friday
I'm slowly making my peace
With us being apart
(not really)
We talk
A lot
We crack jokes
Tease each other
We're boyfriend and girlfriend
More than friends at least
You find out you're leaving early
You tell me
I was happy for you
Could go home
Rest
Take a walk
Grab a dinner
Whatever
More time for you is always good I thought
A couple hours pass and no real answer from you
I pay no mind
We agreed
After all
We're better not talking
I still miss you and want you
But I understand
Friday afternoon leaving early
You're going to want time for yourself
Away from me at least
Near 6pm I see my phone ringing
It's you
Crying
I worry instantly
Wtf happened in these hours?
You tell me
You packed your bag
And you were ready to come to me
But you weren't sure
"nothing will change"
"we'll never be boyfriend and girlfriend again"
But you ask me
If you should come
I want to say yes
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yes
So much yes
But I tell you no
Not for the reasons you gave
That I won't mention
And because of the things that won't change
You kept talking
Asking me
I say yes
I say no
I say yes
I say no
We finally run out of time
It's your decision
But I have to take it
I finally ask
If you were going to feel okay being here
If you'd be happy
You said yes
I couldn't hear anything else
I told you to come and bought the tickets online
You boarded the train
And started to freak out
"It wasn't the right decision"
I tell you to leave the train so we can finally get this over with
Your friends tell you to leave the train
They know nothing
But they were right
All I can think is
The thought of being with me
Making you miserable
I just wanted to die a million times over
I say it again
Leave the train
Leave
Leave
Leave
You tried to
You told me to
You didn't
The reasons why
I can't say
Because I didn't ask
You didn't know how to get back?
You had no one to pick you up?
Or you never really wanted to leave in the first place
You finally tell me
You're not leaving the train
You're really coming
I'm not happy
But I know what I feel
WHat I will feel
When I see you
When I hug you
When I kiss you
And shit, man
Was I right
You arrived
I noticed your sadness
We hugged
Entered my car
Started talking
The distance between us started to melt
We got home
Gave you something to wear
Went to bed
We talked
Hugged
Kissed
It was like we never stopped dating
It always feels like this
Like we're never too far apart
We're never too estranged
We're never strangers
You didn't feel so well
I finally realized how you have been feeling
What you have been feeling
But I can't even describe it
I don't have the cure
I know nothing
I just wanted you to feel better
Safe
Secure
Happy
I didn't mention our relationship
If this meant we were back together
Nothing
No pressure
This was a weekend off for you
A weekend where you didn't have to do anything you didn't want to
Answer things you didn't want to
Talk about things you didn't want to
I was your boyfriend and best friend these last 3 days
Even if nothing changed
I Was
Your boyfriend
Your lover
Your husband
Your best friend
Even if just for a few days
I made you breakfast saturday
It made me so happy that I could do something for you
You felt ill that morning
I did my best
Scrambled eggs and coffee
With your instructions
(precise instructions)
With bread on the side
You said it was good
We spent the day in bed
Cuddling
Kissing
Talking
I missed it so much
And every time I took it for granted makes me want to kms
Anyway
It was good
It was great
It was perfect
You got me a gift
I gave you one as well
We laughed so much
We go so well together
When you felt a little better
We went for a ride
I tried my best to go through those mountain roads
But they got to you anyway
It was good, but we were quick to back to bed and just snuggle
You made the best rice I've ever had
Don't understand how
But fuck
It was so good
I know I'm just describing a lot of things
And skipping out on others
But
If I ever read this again
I want to remember as much as I can
If you ever read this
I want you to remember as much as you can as well
Every now and then I would start to fog up
On the thought of you leaving today
Sunday, 23
August
So early
The day arrived
You woke up happy
So happy and well
As the hour started to arrive
I was crying
Trying to hide it on your shoulders
We're still in bed
You break up in tears
Saying you don't want to leave
I say I don't want you to leave
We could stay here forever
You could
You can
Come anytime
Stay here
With me
The alarm rings
Time to go
I tear up again
But time isn't on our side
It's never one anyone's side
But
We were happy
We were so happy
Even if you felt ill sometimes
I was so fucking happy
Holding your hand at night
While we slept
Hugging you
Watching dumb videos
The ride to the station was so normal
Like an everyday ride
That we do...
Well, every day
The thing
The train
Which is usually late 20/30min
Got there on time
And on this day
Sunday
23
August
of 2020
At 13,44
1,44 pm
We kissed again
Exchanged I love yous
And I felt like that was the last time I'll ever see you.
And here I am
Bleeding
Pleading
Pouring everything out.
Hugging your side of the bed.
I pray to god
To all the gods
To the universe
To prove me wrong.
It was perfect.
I love you, S.
And I miss you so fucking much
Again
This is August
Sunday, 23
2020.
MJC
It's been a week and some days
Since I last wrote here
I wanted to see what would happen
How everything would be
Will be
It seems we're good
We didn't talk about it really
It is just sort of implied
In our words
In our actions
In your words
In your actions
I finally feel you again
Closer than before
We got many things back
Things we both took for granted
For such a long time
The future..
I don't want to talk about it
As I'm writing this you just accepted a new job offer
I'm proud
Happy
A bit nervous as well
But I won't tell you that
I think it's the right move
But only time will tell
Everything could change now
Between us
New schedules
New restrictions
Better schedules
Less restrictions
Worst schedules
More restrictions
We both don't know
I'm also trying to do my own thing
Not as important as yours
As I'm simply following a different path
Hope we don't stray too far away from each other
Inside our own lives
Unable to live each other's
Does that sound clingy?
You know what they say
Always hope for the best
It's still too soon as well
A week ago you were telling me
That we'd never get back together again
Nothing would change
You didn't see a future
Etc
Etc
Etc
Etc
Etc
That you wouldn't be happy with me
Etc
Etc
Etc
Etc
I don't want to remember it all
I can't
That's why I write this
The page
It remembers
Some words are forever
Others die before they are brought the light
A select few, though
Are never-ending.
I write this
A few days after I defended my thesis
That was a good day
We played
You were there watching
I saw your smile
So happy
So happy
SO fucking happy
For me
Because of me
I couldn't bear it
Almost
I can't bear
How much I love you
How I love you
Because here we are
One
Two
One, two days later
GUess what happened
Yeah
You got another call from your ex
Suddenly you stop talking
You go in retreat mode
Feels good to be on this side, you know?
You're always one phone call away to go away
Of course
I won't bring it up again
You know what you're doing.
I just have to deal with it
As usual
We're not broken
I think
I tried really hard
I didn't get mad or angry or anything
I simply can't
You told me last week or so
About this guy
You know him since he was a little kid it seems
Well
This little kid
Ain't so little anymore
At a birthday party
Nothing happened
Just normal afternoon party shit
He texted you the next day
We both know why
You told me about it
Laughed at it
I wanted to get mad
I didn't
I couldn't
It was so meaningless
I don't even know why I'm writing it down
Guess this will turn into a memoir of sorts
If it happened and I still remember it
It will be here.
Moving on
I completed another degree
With honors, if such a thing existed here.
Happiness though
It's been so fleeting
It made me appreciate it more
Our good moments
Most of our moments are good
Don't get me wrong
Since you were here
After all that shit
"Nothing will change"
"we'll never be together again"
"I won't be happy with you"
(still makes me bleed thinking about it)
Things have been pretty good
What I'm trying to say is
I feel I'm one little wrong step
From you walking away
Perhaps that's how it should be?
In this fear of losing you
I can't afford to be mad
Stay mad
One day though
I know
I'll spit the wrong words
I won't be able to stop myself
I'll stay mad a little longer than I should
I'll be unfair
And you'll walk away.
I understand your life seems a bit...messy right now
A lot of decisions made with a degree of uncertainty you're not comfortable with
I know everything will be all right
Wish you did too.
I wish
I wish
I wish
I'm facing a lot uncertainty myself
What to do next
Is the PhD the right step for me?
It can backfire so hard I'll never be able to recover
I guess I don't have much of a choice as well
Companies aren't exactly lining up
I wasn't headhunted like you were
My skills are basically useless for this world
Or I just got my timings wrong
Either way
There's this thread
Pulling at me
Pushing me
In a certain direction
I can send a thousand CV's
I'l have no answer
One or two will give me a little bit of hope
Nothing more.
I'm going all in on this path
Fuck me
I'm scared
If you only knew how much
Nothing to burden you with
You have your own things to worry about
I just
Want that hand
In the supermarket
That beacon
Saying
You're all right now.
Everything will be all right.
I think we all do.
Nothing special about me, I know.
I went to bed
A sudden poem materialized before me
I thought I should write it down right away
I didn't
I'll remember it tomorrow
I said to myself
I don't
It was beautiful.
I remember the image that came with it
A white line on a black background
Spiraling infinitely
I'll remember it
So naive.
Admitting that sweet defeat is the best thing you'll feel all day
Yet, it's hard.
It gets hard.
Sometimes you're not sorry.
Sometimes you can't be.
Sometimes you're the one who needs to hear it.
A sorry can save your life for a day
That day.
Saying it
Hearing it
Sincerely.
There's no greater experience.
Now, don't take it the wrong way and be weak.
There's a difference in I'm sorry
And being apologetic
I'm sorry is whispered
Yelled
Cried
Loved
Pained
It goes through fires
It steps on the ashes
Drowns in misery
Yet, it's strong
It's love
Being apologetic is something else entirely.
Apologize for your existence and let us be
The crazy ones
The normal ones
The in love ones
Shout and hurt in pain and joy
How sorry we are
How in love we are
Oh, how I love you.
How I will love
How many times will I say I'm sorry.
Not enough
I'm sure
But I will be
As sure as the winter springs
I will love you for how sorry I am
For all the stupid things
The dumb arguments
What can't be let go
What has been let go
Against my will
Your will
Our will
We lie in bed
What seems a whole world dividing us
And I feel it
The good
The ugly
The good outweighing the ugly
Still the ugly wins somehow
I'm sorry
Did it fix it?
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
That's me saying I love you
How I do love you
This bed's warmth is tainted by the coldness of your absence
I will miss you every day and that wouldn't be enough
To show you
I can write a hundred thousand lines
I can sing a hundred thousand songs
And still, come up short.
We drink and take the pills and go to sleep
It works
Most of the times
Others not so much
I keep thinking of you
Very stalker-like
In your bed
Eyes closed
Slow breathing
Dreaming those bad dreams you tell me about
Some are good
But most are bad
I want to be there and look at you
Hold you in my arms
Remembering we'll never have to leave
If we don't want it
Laughing at everything
Something we overheard
But you sleep now
And sleep you become
This is a never-ending poem
Of how I love you
Of how I loved you
Of how I'm sorry
Remember our first kiss
Under the stars
A perfect fit for a poem like this
Remember when we just talked
An hour ago
And I can barely handle it
Fuck
I miss you
I am sorry
I am
I love you
As a flower loves the sun it can never reach but still touches it.
Just showers in its radiance and is glad the sun loves it back
As a cage with the open door loves the bird who chooses to stay
Was that too poetic?
Sweet dreams, little one.
I will never be too afraid to say
Sorry, but I love you.
You said it again tonight
Same as the others before
A sad kind of I love you
AN I love you say when you don't want to
Second worse to
"Me too"
You've been saying it for some nights now
And tonight again
I don't feel it anymore
The warmth
The fire we had
No,
The fire you had.
It's gone
Dead
In its place, there's something I can barely recognize
An attempt
An obligation
Like you're trying to convince yourself of this something
You keep saying and isn't true
Every day there's a bit more of less
We notice the growth of missing things
And I can feign shock at it
But I know they're gone
They've been going for a while now
Lost sparks
Maybe an ember still remains from the debris the multiple disasters caused
I don't have you anymore
Other people do
Other people deserve to
What can you do
When you know the night is inevitable
Wait for the morning, sure
But mornings are cold and take too much time to arrive.
Besides you wake up sad and drunk from the night before
Midday is too hot, too uncomfortable.
The afternoon is when it starts
Like spring
But unlike spring, afternoon gives birth to a new night
You're stuck in this cycle forever
The time you have in this world
Is constantly stolen
By shit you need to buy
Shit you need to say
Shit you need to finish
there are 24hours in a day.
I'd say from those 24h, you have a couple of minutes to yourself only
No one can steal them from you
When you get up
our stomach is aching
and you sit your ass in that toilet
And you take your daily shit
that's it
that's your day
the best part of it
everything else is dead
And gone
or going
You're alone
you
and your shit
How many pills to help me sleep
I lost count
3 varieties
Many of them
What's wrong
Is it back?
Like an old prophecy
I know why
But I can't tell you
You have more on your mind
I'm just a burden
I put you to sleep
A headache
Something starts to hurt
Can't blame you
But I am lost
I feel alone
I'm lonely
It's like you're not there
Not completely
Just a part of you
The bare minimum
To justify the I love you
Today was special
You made my day
I sent you a picture of mine
Not my best
But You told me I was handsome
I was genuinely happy
Probably happier than I've been in a long while
You also sent me a <3
You know I love those
Maybe I'm being unfair
Most likely indeed.
But there's this feeling I get
It seems you don't care
As much
As you once did
I try to stay positive
For both our sakes
I need you to say everything is going to be all right
Yet all I hear from you
Is "I"
Instead of "we"
It feels like you're planning for a future without me
And I don't know what to do
How to handle it
Not only if that's the truth
But the mere thought of it
What if I'm just being insecure and make things worse if I bring it up?
What if you remember all the bad things and we break up again
Every day I feel a little bit closer to the edge
I took a small leap the other day
Disappear.
You're responsible for me
Without even knowing it
You'll never know it
Don't want a relationship out of fear and manipulation
All I have left is my own thoughts
Another sleepless night
Wondering how can I make things right
How did I fuck up so much
How much of it is your fault?
And mine?
Is it you?
Is it me?
I know what you're going through
Maybe I'm being unfair
I just miss you
I miss you missing me
And doing all the crazy shit we used to do
I miss seeing your smile
Your smell
Your touch
Your warmth
I love you so much it hurts
It never stops hurting
It's not supposed to be like this
Your own words
You're never happy
Always miserable
While I'm trying my hardest
It breaks what's left of my heart.
All I wanted was to keep happy
Be happy
Keep a future
Be a future
No future without the self
I look at tomorrow and see another nothing
Just and you and I
Drifting away
Taken by different currents
As we once were on the same ship
That sunk
And the raft only had a spot for one
I can barely see you these days
There's a shape of you
And I can remember most of it
Your sun-touched hair and ocean-covered eyes most of all
I try to weep but I can't
For a moment there I truly believed
I really did
That I would never find you drifting away
I'm alone and not okay with it
By the day the sun eats at me
The reflection on the water mocks me
Taunts me
Begs me
To give in
I want to
So much
What's left, I try and ask
No answer
I do wonder how would life be without me
How long until you found love again?
Would you remember me always?
Or just the bad parts like you say.
Just the bad
Just the bad
Just the yelling
The cursing
The arguments
Things I did before we got together
Everything counts
That's who I am to you
That's the memory you'll forever hold of me
Not the guy who loved to embrace you
Just someone who did you harm
It breaks me
It really does
You talk like we'll never have a future
Rather
Your future doesn't include me
Who can blame you
I won't
My future doesn't include me either
Just a matter of courage
I almost got it right the other day
I don't believe in gods
But I do wonder
Anything to stop this pain
I try and numb it
Act like I don't care
But I do
I care so much
It takes everything away from me
Trying to act like this
It's late
And I don't have anywhere else to be
How easy it Would've been
Nah
It probably wouldn't
I write every day without you knowing
About you
About us
I never read it
I just type
I don't sign any dates but today is 23 of June.
We haven't seen each other since march
And that's okay with you
When I think about it
It's sad that I still want you
Still crave you
Still love you
You feed me crumbs
Little pieces
And I should be grateful
I am nothing
I've become nothing
Not that I was much before
But at least I was a little something
You broke me
You tore me apart
But it's my fault
It doesn't make any sense
I try and justify it
'Because I love you'
But there's no excuse
Would have been so much easier back then
Oh, I cried and I suffered
I relive that day every single day of my life
But that was a year ago and I Would have been fine by now.
Nah, I wouldn't
I'll always love you, no matter what you do or say.
Be strong
Be weak
We don't care
You'll be what you'll have to be
There's no fate around it
We're bound
Locked in
No place to go
Nowhere to be
Can't even stand still
The fires won't let us
What's the way out
No way out
Easy way out
There is one
Only a few see it through the end
The lucky bastards
An actor passed away recently
Suicide
5 children
A wife
A good job
Rich.
Happy.
No reason to be sad about.
by any standard you could use to measure it
I can tell you what happened
Death is underrated
Only those who stay weep because it happened
That actor
That brave man
Is free now
Forever
No more pain
No more sleepless nights staring at the void
Would you miss me?
I asked already, but I'll ask again
How much would you miss me
Enough?
What is enough?
I want to go so badly
But I want to see you as well
One last time
I miss you
I miss everything
I miss how you used to love me
Maybe one-day things could go back to how they were
Doubt it
Too much damage
I know it's over already
It will be over soon
Got a letter in the mail
Saying I'm no good
I need to be better
I want to
But so many rejections start to get to you
You believe in them
Become what they say you are
Not what you could be
If you were just a little bit different
A bit more talented
A bit luckier
A bit more good looking
You see, you'll never be enough
Not to yourself at least
Who's to say what's good and what's bad
They just hold the fucking check
I guess that makes them right
I consider myself a decent person
Average in every single way
And then you come
Like all the others
And convince me otherwise
Suddenly I'm something else
I'm better
I can be better
I believe
Then you leave
Disappointed I'm sure
And I'm the same average guy
That I've always been
A little sadder now
A little more broken
You're a tool of destruction
I guess you have the right to destroy what you build
But fuck me
I wish you wouldn't
Another no
What am I to do
Remember the raft and the big ocean I talked about?
Forget that
You're so out of reach, I'd sooner touch the sun
The worst part is knowing there's
Nothing I can do
Accept what you can't control
That's what wise men say
But I'm not wise
A man, sure
But dumber than dumb
You're already gone and I still think you're here
How stupid can I be
I wanted to do the right things
At the right time
We had a plan
No plan now
Nothing
Just empty promises and a fever dreamed future
Shit
It seems as distant now as when we first met
Took us 15 years to build something
2 to fuck it all up
Maybe everything will be all right
And it will be
One way or the other
My only solace is these words you'll never read
No one will ever do
A pity, almost
But who cares what I have to say
You know that dream we all have
We're kids and lost somewhere
And we run and we cry
For something
For someone to come and rescue us
And if the dream ends well
You find that person
That person holds you
Wipes your tears away
And that feeling
That relief
Is pure bliss
I live for that feeling
I yearn it
Search it
I finally found it in you
That's how I know I love you
Other people might know in different ways
But that's mine
The thing is
I don't feel that anymore
I shiver and tremble
At what you say
It's never good enough to rest my fears and anxieties
But also never that bad.
Well, I mean...
This time I guess it was
And last time as well
Maybe some more than that
Can't really tell anymore
I'm no angel neither
I'm aware
So...
Writing this seems to help
It also doesn't
It's a cop-out
I don't deserve to feel better
I just wanted to feel at peace
Knowing things will be all right either way
But what I do feel is
Nothing will ever be all right
Not without you anyway
How sad is that?
Don't answer that
Let me just keep going
And write until I can't feel my fingers
Thinking about another rejection
Another fight
Another shit
That shouldn't have ever happened
Who gives a fuck anymore
I don't want it anymore
Not like this
No
Never like this
No man can love a woman so much he forgets himself
What he is
What he is supposed to be
Love can do a lot of things
But not that
Not like this
You're young and beautiful
I envy you
I want to let go
It's just been hard
I'm trying really hard
Really really hard
Do you know about the tree that never grew?
I wrote about it
Never showed it to youSomething like
There's a tree that never grew
That's it
A tree
Shit
Every time I wake up I'm disappointed
My body knows what I want to
My brain as well
Can't it just turn off
Like a switch
Why do I have to be the one to do it
They say there's no free will
Whoever wrote me
Needs more writing lessons than I do
Give me more plot and less character development
What the fuck am I even saying right now
Talking to god?
I prayed
I admit it
In desperation
I prayed
For you
To come back
For everything to be all right
I held my hands close
And I believed
I had faith
God gave no answer
Not even god believes in me
He knew I'll never believe in him
But isn't he supposed to be all-knowing
All mighty
And fair?
I just want to have a quiet life
With you
The One I Love.
Really
That's all
I don't care how
That's everything
All I do is with that goal in mind
I want a PhD so I can have a good job
So you can be proud of me
And I can do things for us
Fuck, I'm so lame
I can't feel my hands
I'm sorry
That's it for tonight
This might well be the last poem I'll write
Today was the day
I knew it was coming
I saw it
I felt it
Still couldn't prepare myself
We're being torn to pieces
For such stupid shit
Call me a romantic
But nothing except us matters
Shouldn't matter
I can't understand why
The how
You gave me
Doesn't make sense
Those who love, endure
Those who love, hang on
Those who love can't imagine
Losing the ones they love
It's too painful
Those who love can't deal with it
Yet, you kept saying
'I love you'
'Love of my life'
But you want out
No time for me
Everything is ruined
No room for me there
Only certain people allowed
I am not one of them
I tried
I begged
Couldn't get through
Meanwhile 4 months have passed
Since we last saw each other
Is this love?
Is this it?
Not from what I feel
Not from what I know
I would absolutely die for you
Say the word
And I would
I can't imagine living without you
Except I have no choice
Again
I have no choice but seeing you walking away
Again
We barely talked
But it was something
Enough to calm me down some
Just enough to make me believe
You still meant what you sometimes said
It was little
But enough
How sad is that
That I'd be content with a few words
Or is it the final realization that it is really over?
I want to believe the latter
I don't miss being an afterthought in your day
I prefer it like this
Just wish it didn't have to
I want to keep writing until words are no more
Just saying things
I don't know what else is there to do
Nothing seems to work
I do have a plan
But I will fail again
I'm sure
I gave myself until today
It's Saturday
Wonder what you're doing
How you're feeling
Relieved
Rested
Relaxed
You don't have to put up with me anymore
The same as last time
You don't have to check on your phone
Well, except you do
Since it was just me you didn't want to talk
You don't have to make plans
Except you do
Since it was me you didn't want to be with
Shit
What a sad, whiny fuck I am
I wanted to write something beautiful
About longing
Missing someone
I can't draw the words out
I just miss you
Miss you whole
Been missing you being with you
I can't say "if you knew how much I love you"
Because that doesn't matter
You do know
It's just that you don't care anymore
What was that about not worrying over things you can't control?
Well, fuck
I'm not worried
But I despair
We were supposed to be different
That thought upsets me
I genuinely thought we'd be forever
Finally
Forever
Yet, here we are.
Here I am
Again.
And again
And again
And again
I want it so much
That you regret it
That you cry about it
And realize everything
That you meant what you said
Í want it
I want it
I want it
I'm so selfish it makes me sick
But I want it
I want to hear you say you made a mistake
That you want to make things right
That won't happen, I know
But I want it
I want it
Please
Please
I want it.
Got another letter in the mail
This time it wasn't a rejection
My first instinct was to call you
It took every bit of strength I had
Not to
I find myself begging
Talking to myself
Asking wtf is wrong with me
Will I ever be all right
It was good news
My pitch was accepted
Not that it will give me any money
But it was my own original idea
And someone else thought it was good
It felt good
Half a second
No more
Then I remembered I had no one to share it with.
These mornings are the worst part of it
Wake up to nothing
The whole day is void
Empty
Filled with nothing
Nothing
Nothing
7 am
Just 18 hours until I can become nothing
Feel nothing
No, not even then
I dreamt of you
I called you
Because I saw you jogging
You were happy
I wanted to be there
I called you
And you didn't answer
Then I woke up
And as a child
I started to cry
Not even in my dreams, I can escape
Remember the life we were supposed to have?
I do
I tried
Maybe I fucked up one too many times along the way
But I tried
I wanted it
I want it
Without you, it all seems pointless
Pointless again
No purpose
I hope you're okay
I hope this is the best for you
It's not your job to make me happy
It's hard to care when you don't care
Just wish it wasn't so
I'm still here
I won't lie
To you
Or to myself
Not ashamed to admit it as well
That I love you
And I want you
Some things that are meant to be
Aren't meant to be
How many worlds
We end up together?
Do you know?
I bet there's a lot of them
I imagine one
And I know exactly what it's like
And I envy it
I die with it
Over and over again
I die over it
Will it ever be all right?
What will it take?
All of me?
Who am I even talking to
Writing to
It's for you
But you won't read it
I'm lost without you
I'm lost
I'm not me
Every Friday
I go to the train station
A short ride for me
The best 15 min of my life
The only time I can truly hope
I go there and the benches remind me of us
Of other times
Sitting there laughing and crying
Mostly laughing
Promising we'll see each other soon again
I go and sit there
And I wait for the 5 pm train
Dozens of nameless faces come out
None of them have ever been yours
I still go
Today is Friday
Maybe today will be different
Maybe
Today I won't go
Maybe
On the other hand,
The only thing a desperate man is allowed to possess is hope.
It's so easy when we talk
When we're together
I don't know what will happen
I'm prepared for the worst
I'm not better off
All I can do is hope you're doing the best for you
You have to be selfish
I'm just a random 2-year guy
Make that 16
Anyway, just a random person
Who cares, right?
I cry myself to sleep every night
After I swore it would never happen to me again
I'm done with promises
The hell with them
But I promise I'll love you
Forever
It seems it started to rain
Funny, not a single drop outside
Why are my eyes all wet?
I can barely see
What matters
What does matter?
For me it was us
You and I.
Together
Two little kids,
The two cats
And only one dog
I'd come home and you'd already be there
Not exactly waiting for me
But just...
Happy
And I'd join into your happiness
Share
Share
Share
That's all I can think about
Share
Build something
Share
Together
Do
Share
Together
Am I lame?
Am I just too whiny?
Is this just another thing for you to hate me?
I can't tell
I doubt I'll ever make this public
But if I do
Please don't hate me
I miss you
It's only been a couple of weeks
They'll turn into months
I'll try to follow the plan
But I don't want to try
I don't want anything anymore
Everything lost its sense of meaning
How can I be so closed up to everyone
And when it comes to you
I'm a fucking mess
Fuck
How I love you
How I fucking love you
What I wouldn't do to have you right now
Saying it right back
That everything will be all right
Because we have each other
That's what I believed in
Everything would be all right
As long we were together
Everything else is just noise
Some things are too important to break apart
I know we're one of them
Maybe bend
A bit
It can bend
But never break
Us
We can never break
Please
Please
Know this
I'm on your side
Then again
You don't want me on yours
How stupid am I
At least I'm good at not bothering
Or chasing
Or annoying you
You don't have to worry about me
This never-ending poem won't end
It will be the biggest poem the world has ever seen
Not a good one
But the biggest
All about you
You
You
You
You
Fuck
I want to be under the stars
And freeze time there
I want to be sleeping next to you
And freeze time there
I want to see the sunset
And freeze time there.
They tell me
Or I tell myself
Get your life in order
Then you'll be ready
Thing is
I know what's going to happen
In the next couple of days
Maybe weeks
I'll receive a message
A phone call perhaps
Telling me you thought things through
And that we're better apart
I know how the movie ends
I know
Today is 3rd of July 2020
Friday night
Alone again
Crying without sleep
Nothing seems to help
You say you want to disappear
I can't stand it
Not being able to do anything
Knowing what I know
I don't want to go back
I want to go forward
Wanted to at least
I'll settle for eternity
Just need to find the courage
Fuck it
Wasn't supposed to be like this.
We were one
A team
I lied
I do want to go back
I want everything back
I want your love back
Here
Close to me
Warming us while we argue names for our kids
I truly love you
More than words can say
Maybe this never-ending poem will help
But there are sad parts
Anger as well
I just pour it down
And cry it all out
How are you?
Are you better?
I hope so
You deserve it.
I keep asking the gods
Will you come back
They vary in the reply
Some say yes
Some say no
I offer them a drink to change their minds
Of course
It's me who drinks it
Could it be today?
I feel it
The void
Creeping in
A few more shots
A few more pills
Maybe I could fall into the abyss
Maybe I would stop obsessing over you
Why do I have to be like this
The only person I want to hurt is myself
And I can't even do it
I boot the PC and...
Nothing
That's why I don't want to go to sleep tonight
I will wake up for another tomorrow
Same day
Same shit
Same feelings
I don't want to
I want everything to be different
I ask too much
It's hard to care when you don't care
I thought I was done crying
Over you
Thought it would never happen
Thought we could always work things out
Am I the only one who still believes that
If you love each other, that's enough!?
Am I?
Am I a fool?
Most likely
A fool I am
A fool I will be
Because I'll never stop believing in love
Our love
Ours
Ours alone
Hours alone
You and I
Spent in this very room
There are traces of you everywhere
On the wall especially
"I Love you" I wrote and you wrote "I love you more"
If you find your way here
Your way home
I'll never let you go again.
Thought I saw you
In a delicate light color dress
Come back to bed, I said
I'll be right back
You'll be right back
Think I just woke up
You were never really here.
They're afraid of what I do when things go bad
What do you mean, you ask.
When you leave
My fault, their fault. Who cares.
I'll never leave you
I know.
I swear.
I know.
Why do your eyes say you don't believe me?
Because I know what it's like
Promises not meant to be kept.
I'll always love you.
That's an absolute truth
Is that a promise you won't keep?
No.
I always tell the truth
I never lie.
Then we'll be together until we die, you say
If only dreams could come true.
I might believe that.
Till you open your eyes and see what else is out there
How long until then?
How long until I go through this
But I tried my best
The best I knew
I learned from mistakes
I swallowed the pride
I tried to make things right
Would you help?
Yes
Would you do it for me
I could never do that
I love you too much, remember?
Yes, the girl of my dreams
The one I conjured up in my head
Won't even help me do what needs to be done
Look at what the fuck you're writing
You're half asleep
Half dead
And you're here
Talking to me
Your future
Telling me everything will sort itself out
I love you
Promise?
I promise.
It's just so hard
The days I mean
They go by so slowly and quickly
I want things I can't have
Do things I can't do
All else doesn't matter
You're more than this. you know?
Remember that
Remember what you tell others
I try
But I can't
Maybe this never-ending poem indeed has an end.
Please don't do it.
I have to.
I don't see any other way
Can only see pain and misery
Things will get better
Will they?
For how long?
One week?
One month?
How long until I'm back here again?
This is a cycle I can't escape
I don't know how to
Ffs, I need help from the only person who can't help me
Let me just swallow some more
Maybe I'll sleep and won't wake up
Maybe I'll just sleep.
You were loved and admired.
You had an impact on the world
Small as it was
You had.
You could have more
If you endure
What matters most is how well you go through the fire, remember?
I do.
But the fire burns so high
I can't breathe
Let me not feel anything
I'm inside your brain
You made me up
An imaginary future friend
To try and talk you out of it
There's nothing I can say
You don't know already
Some people have it better in life
You didn't
You made the best of it
You tried
You keep on trying
Many others wouldn't even think about it
Yes, many others didn't have her to lose
She did what she had to for herself
You can't blame her
I know
But what the fuck does that matter
When I miss her?
When I love her?
Why should I be a better person
I want her to be happy
with me
with me
with me
How petty I am
I'm not even happy with myself
You're right
Don't do it.
I'll try not to, but I can't bare it anymore
I want to switch off.
I'll turn it on for you
Promise?
Promise.
I miss you
I miss you too
I took 5 more.
Think that will work?
Doubt it.
Keep writing
I like you watching you write
But you already know what I'm going to say
You're inside my head
Nevertheless
I'm another person inside you
Someone you made up
I can't truly know what goes on
I doubt that
You know more
Much more than you let on
Perhaps
What lies beyond?
The void.
Nothingness
Is that my belief
Or yours?
I guess it's both.
I believe in what you believe
But you live in a different realm
I never saw you until just now
That's because I didn't have to come out
Are you just me?
In a way, you can say that.
A part of you, at least.
Do I hate myself as I often say I do?
Yes. You'd be glad if the world got rid of you
You just don't know how
And you keep trying in silly ways that won't work
I can't even get that right
Don't come with the self-pity
You've done wonderful things in your time with us
You can be proud of what you achieved
Sure, it wasn't an illustrious career
But maybe your family can recover some of your writings
This never-ending poem
Seems quite all right to me as well
Not that everyone will ever read it
But it was purely yours
No one else could do it
That counts for something
If I didn't know any better I'd say you're warming up to the idea of me offing myself
Well, you already did it, didn't you?
What if I don't want to?
I just want to stop feeling
Really.
I'm afraid it isn't that simple
As long as you breathe
You'll think about her
Eager for her
Obsess
Check every sign for her
You won't stop feeling any time soon
Go to sleep now, little lamb
Maybe we'll still be here tomorrow
If not, you got your wish granted and a lesson learned.
Half a bottle and that many pills don't do the trick
Try the noose next time.
I like your optimism
I don't like yours.
You should be happy with everything you accomplished
Why does it all rely on one person?
I don't know myself
It's her.
It's THE person.
I can't help it.
My fingers are failing now.
Sleep well, my sweet prince.
May you wake up again
In case you don't
Meet us all in the field with no flowers
All of you
All of us
All the lives
Born and unborn
Are there
Waiting for you
Some will even have some stories to say about you and her
I know for a fact you end up together many times
Just not in this reality.
You never know,
but it seems like so.
Whatever the case may be, sweet prince
We'll be waiting for you
You'll never be alone.
Do you recognize them?
His blonde hair
And her blue eyes.
I...I do.
Newborns.
Ours.
Me and hers.
Yours and hers
In a not so distant future
Think about that
Maybe not this
But we'll definitely be together
A million lives over
I can go in peace.
16 years
Up in flames
Because...of what?
Will we be just a sad song
That I will never sing
A memory
Not good nor bad
Just that
A memory
Perhaps a possibility
Of what could've been
I still pray
To whatever the fuck
For everything to be all right
But I'm not all right
It's a fault of mine
Most men create their worth and identity
Through things like careers, social status, big houses
Most of all
Bank accounts
Mine is construed through...
Well, you
I always told myself
Everything will be all right
If I had you
Not that I have not been trying
To better myself
But if I had you
Not a single particle would matter
We had our bubble
I'll never have that again with anyone else
We truly had something special
Something unique
Probably so unique neither of us could handle it
The worst part is knowing
All we need to do is look at each other again
And everything would be all right
Not much distance between us
But you don't want it
I should've heeded the signs earlier
It hurt
I cried
For days and days
Now it just feels like I fucked up
It's my fault
When I can tell it's ours
I don't feel justified
I don't feel like I'm in the right
I lost something today
The most important thing in my life
Even now you're probably relieved
While I'm here tearing these words away
What's fair about that?
You say you have your problems
That I'm better off
I always thought that your problems
Were also my problems
We were a team
Two bodies, one soul
Why you shut me out
I can only say you stopped loving me
Who would risk everything over so little?
Who wouldn't want his love by her side when things get tough?
I'm done begging
I want to be done crying
But that's not going to happen soon
I'm lost
You could come and talk to me right now and I don't know what I would say
'All is forgotten '?
And we're back to how we were?
You barely talking to me
Not wanting to be with me
Not missing me
Time for others and not me?
Could I demand things?
Do I even have to...when you're supposed to love me?
Do I have to beg every single time for us to be together?
Shit
What the fuck am I to do
I want to believe you
I want to call you and make things right
There was once a boy and a girl
Who sat under the stars
They're still there
With all the promises the future held
And a shared kiss
Wish I could go back
Live there forever
Never looking
Never know
What lied ahead of us.
Just woke up and you're not there again
Not like you were before
Not really
Nothing really changed
Why do I feel like shit?
More than usual, that is
Up in flames
Because...of what?
Will we be just a sad song
That I will never sing
A memory
Not good nor bad
Just that
A memory
Perhaps a possibility
Of what could've been
I still pray
To whatever the fuck
For everything to be all right
But I'm not all right
It's a fault of mine
Most men create their worth and identity
Through things like careers, social status, big houses
Most of all
Bank accounts
Mine is construed through...
Well, you
I always told myself
Everything will be all right
If I had you
Not that I have not been trying
To better myself
But if I had you
Not a single particle would matter
We had our bubble
I'll never have that again with anyone else
We truly had something special
Something unique
Probably so unique neither of us could handle it
The worst part is knowing
All we need to do is look at each other again
And everything would be all right
Not much distance between us
But you don't want it
I should've heeded the signs earlier
It hurt
I cried
For days and days
Now it just feels like I fucked up
It's my fault
When I can tell it's ours
I don't feel justified
I don't feel like I'm in the right
I lost something today
The most important thing in my life
Even now you're probably relieved
While I'm here tearing these words away
What's fair about that?
You say you have your problems
That I'm better off
I always thought that your problems
Were also my problems
We were a team
Two bodies, one soul
Why you shut me out
I can only say you stopped loving me
Who would risk everything over so little?
Who wouldn't want his love by her side when things get tough?
I'm done begging
I want to be done crying
But that's not going to happen soon
I'm lost
You could come and talk to me right now and I don't know what I would say
'All is forgotten '?
And we're back to how we were?
You barely talking to me
Not wanting to be with me
Not missing me
Time for others and not me?
Could I demand things?
Do I even have to...when you're supposed to love me?
Do I have to beg every single time for us to be together?
Shit
What the fuck am I to do
I want to believe you
I want to call you and make things right
There was once a boy and a girl
Who sat under the stars
They're still there
With all the promises the future held
And a shared kiss
Wish I could go back
Live there forever
Never looking
Never know
What lied ahead of us.
Just woke up and you're not there again
Not like you were before
Not really
Nothing really changed
Why do I feel like shit?
More than usual, that is
We barely talked
But it was something
Enough to calm me down some
Just enough to make me believe
You still meant what you sometimes said
It was little
But enough
How sad is that
That I'd be content with a few words
Or is it the final realization that it is really over?
I want to believe the latter
I don't miss being an afterthought in your day
I prefer it like this
Just wish it didn't have to
I want to keep writing until words are no more
Just saying things
I don't know what else is there to do
Nothing seems to work
I do have a plan
But I will fail again
I'm sure
I gave myself until today
It's Saturday
Wonder what you're doing
How you're feeling
Relieved
Rested
Relaxed
You don't have to put up with me anymore
The same as last time
You don't have to check on your phone
Well, except you do
Since it was just me you didn't want to talk
You don't have to make plans
Except you do
Since it was me you didn't want to be with
Shit
What a sad, whiny fuck I am
I wanted to write something beautiful
About longing
Missing someone
I can't draw the words out
I just miss you
Miss you whole
Been missing you being with you
I can't say "if you knew how much I love you"
Because that doesn't matter
You do know
It's just that you don't care anymore
What was that about not worrying over things you can't control?
Well, fuck
I'm not worried
But I despair
We were supposed to be different
That thought upsets me
I genuinely thought we'd be forever
Finally
Forever
Yet, here we are.
Here I am
Again.
And again
And again
And again
I want it so much
That you regret it
That you cry about it
And realize everything
That you meant what you said
Í want it
I want it
I want it
I'm so selfish it makes me sick
But I want it
I want to hear you say you made a mistake
That you want to make things right
That won't happen, I know
But I want it
I want it
Please
Please
I want it.
Got another letter in the mail
This time it wasn't a rejection
My first instinct was to call you
It took every bit of strength I had
Not to
I find myself begging
Talking to myself
Asking wtf is wrong with me
Will I ever be all right
It was good news
My pitch was accepted
Not that it will give me any money
But it was my own original idea
And someone else thought it was good
It felt good
Half a second
No more
Then I remembered I had no one to share it with.
These mornings are the worst part of it
Wake up to nothing
The whole day is void
Empty
Filled with nothing
Nothing
Nothing
7 am
Just 18 hours until I can become nothing
Feel nothing
No, not even then
I dreamt of you
I called you
Because I saw you jogging
You were happy
I wanted to be there
I called you
And you didn't answer
Then I woke up
And as a child
I started to cry
Not even in my dreams, I can escape
Remember the life we were supposed to have?
I do
I tried
Maybe I fucked up one too many times along the way
But I tried
I wanted it
I want it
Without you, it all seems pointless
Pointless again
No purpose
I hope you're okay
I hope this is the best for you
It's not your job to make me happy
It's hard to care when you don't care
Just wish it wasn't so
I'm still here
I won't lie
To you
Or to myself
Not ashamed to admit it as well
That I love you
And I want you
Some things that are meant to be
Aren't meant to be
How many worlds
We end up together?
Do you know?
I bet there's a lot of them
I imagine one
And I know exactly what it's like
And I envy it
I die with it
Over and over again
I die over it
Will it ever be all right?
What will it take?
All of me?
Who am I even talking to
Writing to
It's for you
But you won't read it
I'm lost without you
I'm lost
I'm not me
Every Friday
I go to the train station
A short ride for me
The best 15 min of my life
The only time I can truly hope
I go there and the benches remind me of us
Of other times
Sitting there laughing and crying
Mostly laughing
Promising we'll see each other soon again
I go and sit there
And I wait for the 5 pm train
Dozens of nameless faces come out
None of them have ever been yours
I still go
Today is Friday
Maybe today will be different
Maybe
Today I won't go
Maybe
On the other hand,
The only thing a desperate man is allowed to possess is hope.
It's so easy when we talk
When we're together
I don't know what will happen
I'm prepared for the worst
I'm not better off
All I can do is hope you're doing the best for you
You have to be selfish
I'm just a random 2-year guy
Make that 16
Anyway, just a random person
Who cares, right?
I cry myself to sleep every night
After I swore it would never happen to me again
I'm done with promises
The hell with them
But I promise I'll love you
Forever
It seems it started to rain
Funny, not a single drop outside
Why are my eyes all wet?
I can barely see
What matters
What does matter?
For me it was us
You and I.
Together
Two little kids,
The two cats
And only one dog
I'd come home and you'd already be there
Not exactly waiting for me
But just...
Happy
And I'd join into your happiness
Share
Share
Share
That's all I can think about
Share
Build something
Share
Together
Do
Share
Together
Am I lame?
Am I just too whiny?
Is this just another thing for you to hate me?
I can't tell
I doubt I'll ever make this public
But if I do
Please don't hate me
I miss you
It's only been a couple of weeks
They'll turn into months
I'll try to follow the plan
But I don't want to try
I don't want anything anymore
Everything lost its sense of meaning
How can I be so closed up to everyone
And when it comes to you
I'm a fucking mess
Fuck
How I love you
How I fucking love you
What I wouldn't do to have you right now
Saying it right back
That everything will be all right
Because we have each other
That's what I believed in
Everything would be all right
As long we were together
Everything else is just noise
Some things are too important to break apart
I know we're one of them
Maybe bend
A bit
It can bend
But never break
Us
We can never break
Please
Please
Know this
I'm on your side
Then again
You don't want me on yours
How stupid am I
At least I'm good at not bothering
Or chasing
Or annoying you
You don't have to worry about me
This never-ending poem won't end
It will be the biggest poem the world has ever seen
Not a good one
But the biggest
All about you
You
You
You
You
Fuck
I want to be under the stars
And freeze time there
I want to be sleeping next to you
And freeze time there
I want to see the sunset
And freeze time there.
They tell me
Or I tell myself
Get your life in order
Then you'll be ready
Thing is
I know what's going to happen
In the next couple of days
Maybe weeks
I'll receive a message
A phone call perhaps
Telling me you thought things through
And that we're better apart
I know how the movie ends
I know
Today is 3rd of July 2020
Friday night
Alone again
Crying without sleep
Nothing seems to help
You say you want to disappear
I can't stand it
Not being able to do anything
Knowing what I know
I don't want to go back
I want to go forward
Wanted to at least
I'll settle for eternity
Just need to find the courage
Fuck it
Wasn't supposed to be like this.
We were one
A team
I lied
I do want to go back
I want everything back
I want your love back
Here
Close to me
Warming us while we argue names for our kids
I truly love you
More than words can say
Maybe this never-ending poem will help
But there are sad parts
Anger as well
I just pour it down
And cry it all out
How are you?
Are you better?
I hope so
You deserve it.
I keep asking the gods
Will you come back
They vary in the reply
Some say yes
Some say no
I offer them a drink to change their minds
Of course
It's me who drinks it
Could it be today?
I feel it
The void
Creeping in
A few more shots
A few more pills
Maybe I could fall into the abyss
Maybe I would stop obsessing over you
Why do I have to be like this
The only person I want to hurt is myself
And I can't even do it
I boot the PC and...
Nothing
That's why I don't want to go to sleep tonight
I will wake up for another tomorrow
Same day
Same shit
Same feelings
I don't want to
I want everything to be different
I ask too much
It's hard to care when you don't care
I thought I was done crying
Over you
Thought it would never happen
Thought we could always work things out
Am I the only one who still believes that
If you love each other, that's enough!?
Am I?
Am I a fool?
Most likely
A fool I am
A fool I will be
Because I'll never stop believing in love
Our love
Ours
Ours alone
Hours alone
You and I
Spent in this very room
There are traces of you everywhere
On the wall especially
"I Love you" I wrote and you wrote "I love you more"
If you find your way here
Your way home
I'll never let you go again.
Thought I saw you
In a delicate light color dress
Come back to bed, I said
I'll be right back
You'll be right back
Think I just woke up
You were never really here.
They're afraid of what I do when things go bad
What do you mean, you ask.
When you leave
My fault, their fault. Who cares.
I'll never leave you
I know.
I swear.
I know.
Why do your eyes say you don't believe me?
Because I know what it's like
Promises not meant to be kept.
I'll always love you.
That's an absolute truth
Is that a promise you won't keep?
No.
I always tell the truth
I never lie.
Then we'll be together until we die, you say
If only dreams could come true.
I might believe that.
Till you open your eyes and see what else is out there
How long until then?
How long until I go through this
But I tried my best
The best I knew
I learned from mistakes
I swallowed the pride
I tried to make things right
Would you help?
Yes
Would you do it for me
I could never do that
I love you too much, remember?
Yes, the girl of my dreams
The one I conjured up in my head
Won't even help me do what needs to be done
Look at what the fuck you're writing
You're half asleep
Half dead
And you're here
Talking to me
Your future
Telling me everything will sort itself out
I love you
Promise?
I promise.
It's just so hard
The days I mean
They go by so slowly and quickly
I want things I can't have
Do things I can't do
All else doesn't matter
You're more than this. you know?
Remember that
Remember what you tell others
I try
But I can't
Maybe this never-ending poem indeed has an end.
Please don't do it.
I have to.
I don't see any other way
Can only see pain and misery
Things will get better
Will they?
For how long?
One week?
One month?
How long until I'm back here again?
This is a cycle I can't escape
I don't know how to
Ffs, I need help from the only person who can't help me
Let me just swallow some more
Maybe I'll sleep and won't wake up
Maybe I'll just sleep.
You were loved and admired.
You had an impact on the world
Small as it was
You had.
You could have more
If you endure
What matters most is how well you go through the fire, remember?
I do.
But the fire burns so high
I can't breathe
Let me not feel anything
I'm inside your brain
You made me up
An imaginary future friend
To try and talk you out of it
There's nothing I can say
You don't know already
Some people have it better in life
You didn't
You made the best of it
You tried
You keep on trying
Many others wouldn't even think about it
Yes, many others didn't have her to lose
She did what she had to for herself
You can't blame her
I know
But what the fuck does that matter
When I miss her?
When I love her?
Why should I be a better person
I want her to be happy
with me
with me
with me
How petty I am
I'm not even happy with myself
You're right
Don't do it.
I'll try not to, but I can't bare it anymore
I want to switch off.
I'll turn it on for you
Promise?
Promise.
I miss you
I miss you too
I took 5 more.
Think that will work?
Doubt it.
Keep writing
I like you watching you write
But you already know what I'm going to say
You're inside my head
Nevertheless
I'm another person inside you
Someone you made up
I can't truly know what goes on
I doubt that
You know more
Much more than you let on
Perhaps
What lies beyond?
The void.
Nothingness
Is that my belief
Or yours?
I guess it's both.
I believe in what you believe
But you live in a different realm
I never saw you until just now
That's because I didn't have to come out
Are you just me?
In a way, you can say that.
A part of you, at least.
Do I hate myself as I often say I do?
Yes. You'd be glad if the world got rid of you
You just don't know how
And you keep trying in silly ways that won't work
I can't even get that right
Don't come with the self-pity
You've done wonderful things in your time with us
You can be proud of what you achieved
Sure, it wasn't an illustrious career
But maybe your family can recover some of your writings
This never-ending poem
Seems quite all right to me as well
Not that everyone will ever read it
But it was purely yours
No one else could do it
That counts for something
If I didn't know any better I'd say you're warming up to the idea of me offing myself
Well, you already did it, didn't you?
What if I don't want to?
I just want to stop feeling
Really.
I'm afraid it isn't that simple
As long as you breathe
You'll think about her
Eager for her
Obsess
Check every sign for her
You won't stop feeling any time soon
Go to sleep now, little lamb
Maybe we'll still be here tomorrow
If not, you got your wish granted and a lesson learned.
Half a bottle and that many pills don't do the trick
Try the noose next time.
I like your optimism
I don't like yours.
You should be happy with everything you accomplished
Why does it all rely on one person?
I don't know myself
It's her.
It's THE person.
I can't help it.
My fingers are failing now.
Sleep well, my sweet prince.
May you wake up again
In case you don't
Meet us all in the field with no flowers
All of you
All of us
All the lives
Born and unborn
Are there
Waiting for you
Some will even have some stories to say about you and her
I know for a fact you end up together many times
Just not in this reality.
You never know,
but it seems like so.
Whatever the case may be, sweet prince
We'll be waiting for you
You'll never be alone.
Do you recognize them?
His blonde hair
And her blue eyes.
I...I do.
Newborns.
Ours.
Me and hers.
Yours and hers
In a not so distant future
Think about that
Maybe not this
But we'll definitely be together
A million lives over
I can go in peace.
It didn't work, damn you
I knew it wouldn't
What now?
Now? You just try again until you get it right
Or you feel you don't have to anymore
I keep sending small signs
What kind of signs?
11.11
23.23
It was a thing of ours
I don't know what else to do
I really don't
It's okay not to know sometimes.
I'm here for you
Afternoon hit with the sun begging for comfort
I wonder if you're there
On the beach thinking about me
Or looking over the horizon
Happy for the things to come
Remember
When we ran naked when no one could see us?
We were little children again right then.
I'd freeze that moment as well
Never let it go.
It's those moments that make want to go and disappear
Knowing they're at our reach
So close
Yet I reach for your hand I don't see yours
You're so smart
Smarter than me I always say
I trust your decision on this
I don't agree with it
At all
But such is love.
Love can survive by itself. (can it?)
What can I say to make things better?
What can I do?
I keep trying my best
But a long seed has been planted
I'll water it every day
I'm beaten
Defeated
I'm throwing the towel
You won
I don't see any of this playing out well
Just pieces of me
Scattered all around the floor
They sting and burn
Needles and bees
Only this time there's no here to pick them up
And make them whole again
The core is gone
It's 11 pm
I say these words to the wind
Maybe one day they'll get to you
Are you ok?
I can't tell
I hope so
At least that.
All those years apart, I believed you were all right
You told me later you weren't
That you were waiting for me
Now I'm here
And I'm the one waiting for you
A foolish struggle
But I've been known to be a fool before.
I wear you close to my heart
Because that's where you belong
Remember that you were the love of my life.
I'm sad I won't be able to see our kids grow up
Or break into our new house
Buy furniture together
What am I doing
I'm imagining a life where we're together
Fuck me
We talked briefly yesterday
Don't know if we should
Nothing changes
Yet, things are so different
Feels every step I make is the wrong one
I question every decision I've made
That I'm supposed to make
What's best?
For me
For you
For us
Should I go and do it
Should I stay put
Should I just keep doing the same
What the fuck am I supposed to do
I'm so lost I can't find myself
I don't know who I am anymore
I really don't
Wish I could feel what you feel
At least I wouldn't care like I do
I could just pass the days like any other
Making small talk
Plans for the weekend
Some takeout
I can't do any of these
Everything reminds me of you
I drink
It helps a bit
I swallow one, two, three
It helps a bit
Makes me sleepy
That's about all I can do
I can't cope with nothing
The only thing that could help
Would be you
And it's unfair to ask it
But this is just my perspective
My story
Your story is different
In yours, it's me who should've done things differently
Who could have
Maybe we could still write one together
I know I want to.
Don't you feel me?
A chill
Somewhere
I've never thought much about myself
But today I think I hit a low point
There's something about realizing your lack of accomplishments
That makes you
Just
Miserable.
Today is one of those days.
I have nothing going for me
Although in theory, I do
Published author
But no money
Distinguished academic
But no money
Acknowledged by your peers
But no money
It would come later
I suppose
If I keep at it
I'm bound to get it just right
Will I become a dead cliché?
Dead by my own hand
With so much going for me
Just needed one chance
The world is too big now
There are too many geniuses now
The bar is set too high
Which is good
If you're already at the top
I see myself as a failure
No point in arguing that
An average writer at best
Especially since I insist on writing in my second language
Don't ask me why
But,
Don't you feel me?
This despair that surrounds me
You have problems of your own
I know
Everyone has
What's a man to do
When he is all alone
With the dark
Staring at the abyss
Seeing no way back
What's a child to do
I want to hear those words
Everything will be all right
I know they're lies
But I want to hear them
Nothing will be all right
You!
You, yourself!
Make them right
Somehow
Whatever it takes.
Others are luckier
Others got it worse.
And you?
You had your chance at greatness
You blew it all on a gamble
That you must see to the end.
Always invest in yourself
That's what I was taught
We'll see.
Probably drunk
Filling the glass again
I begged for someone
No one came
Should I just do it?
Could I do it?
I can't
I just have to live with it
Weak
Cowardly
It wasn't supposed to be like this
Remember how you used to miss me
Wanted to know everything about me?
Remember how you loved me?
How you couldn't stand being more than minutes away from each other
Well
I do
I just want to stop feeling things
I miss you
It didn't have to be like this, you know
We could've been a happy story.
I want to fight back
Even now
I cry the glass away
Will that be enough?
Whatever the fuck should I do
I'm so lonely it hurts
I'm all alone
Alone
Alone
Alone
Alone
Alone
Alone
Alone
Ãlone
Alone
Alone
Alone
Alone
Alone
Alone
You're my 2nd half
There's a whole piece of me missing now
What for?
Was it worth it?
Was it all worth it?
Should I carry on and try my best?
What
Should
I
Do
Sleep
Just sleep
Who the fuck would want me anyway
It was the seventh
I saw a glimpse of you
I made the first move
And we talked
For hours
Everything was almost right
You know the feeling
Something you once had
It's not quite gone
But it's not there as well
Not fully
I said I love you
Because I do
You didn't say it back
I wasn't expecting it anyway
I was glad we talked
It was little
But better than nothing
I still wonder
How we'll look back at these days
Will we ever forgive each other?
Will we overcome all of it
Or we'll just be something that isn't quite complete
I'm still doing my best
From afar
Life has its ways to fuck us over
It seems it gained a taste for us both
Oh
I'd do everything differently
If I knew
What I know today
I wouldn't have been such an idiot sometimes
I'd have made more of an effort
But I believed I was doing the right thing
Focusing on myself
So we could be together later
Maybe it still was the right choice
And it's too soon to tell
But in this moment
I would trade it all
For more time with you
All the time you had
And I didn't
I'd give it all away
No regrets
I miss you so
Hello there
You sent me that song
It's our song
Since we were little kids
16 and 14
Singing along in the street
Hello there
The Angel from my nightmare
I weeped
I've been avoiding music lately
Especially our songs
You told me about your plans
You were going out shopping
Had a lunch date with a friend
And the beach on the weekend
I admit
I got jealous
Wish it was me there with you
Then I smiled
Because you deserve everything good
Do what makes you happy
What makes you smile
What makes you laugh
I know it's not me
But I don't care
I just want to see you happy
If you ever get another
Fall in love again
It won't be the same kind of happy
But I'll still smile for you
Because you've made it
You achieved it
You found someone
I still hope that someone will be me
But nothing is certain anymore
What used to be sure
Is now fogged
That's why I'm deciding some things for myself
I'm going to try the college that I want
I'll try to make it all work
I'll try to do everything so you can be with me
If you choose not to
I'll understand
But at least I know I tried my best
At least...
At least in the end
Some will say it's my fault
I should've done things sooner
But it's not like I did unforgivable things
I decided to study for my finals instead of making plans with you
I was short on cash so I didn't suggest going out to see you as much
I'm hot-headed, so I say things I don't mean when we argue
I can be rude
I can be an idiot
I can do everything wrong
But I will always find my way back to you
That was the promise I made
And the one I intend to keep.
I did it all to try and find a good job
Invest in yourself
Invest in yourself
I hope it will pay off
And I hope you'll be there with me
You're worth one hundred thousand words times one hundred
I'll keep writing
For no one to read
This will be too sad
Even the good days
Won't make up for the bad
I know how you are
But I want to write this poem until I die
We said proper good nights tonight
I was happy
Like a little kid
I hope you'll be all right
I truly do
I don't know if I'll be
But you don't have to know that.
If I'm well
I can try to make you happy
Easier at least
I should have my shit together already
I know
But I don't
I have these words though
And what I feel for you
Will we ever see each other again?
I ask that question every single night
Another day will pass
I didn't want to wake up
Get out of bed
Face everything
I took the first step and talked to you
Shouldn't have
It's almost amazing how much you don't care
Had a meeting for a new project
Won't bring me any money
Won't bring anything except a name on a piece of paper
But who cares at this point
I sent my resume to everything and everyone
I worked out for the first time in months
I won't be the man you think I am
I'm going to be better
Different at least
I just wanted to follow my passion
I guess that was a fool's dream
I'll bag groceries for the rest of my life
And never go penniless again
I won't be a top researcher
I won't teach at the top universities
I won't be anyone special
But I'll have money
For a house
For a loan
For a family
Is that fair?
Life isn't fair, kid
You wasted the time you had
You could've done this 10 years ago
Why didn't you?
You were sick of studying
You fucking idiot
Researching is the most beautiful thing in the world
Finding out new things
New relations and correlations
How the world works
How society moves
That's what matters
But I'll never go penniless again
I'll never hear you say
I'm worth nothing
Cause I don't work
In my mind, I was working
Working for a better future
Fuck this
Fuck everything really
You were my endgame
You always had my back
I could always count on you
16 years of friendship and longing and wanting and love
For this sour taste left in my mouth
Whenever I think of you
Not wanting me
You can't pretend to have feelings
And I know things change
Funny
They never did change for me.
Saw your new picture
I liked it
My One Second Angel.
We talked on the phone today
Things were said
Mostly explained
We left on good terms
I think
Can't remember how much I missed hearing your voice
I won't go into details
It's always sad when two lovers break apart
One won't be as much
But that's the risk
We knew it
I knew it
Maybe that's why I did some of the things I did
Didn't give as much as I should have
Fuck
Here I go again
Blaming myself
I know it's all probably my fault
But how many times do I have to write it?
I don't reread my shit
So, whoever reads will have to go check
I'm sure I talked about blaming myself before
What things could've been differently
Don't matter now
Nothing matters now
I saw your beautiful picture and I died
I like it
Our necklace
I died a million thousands over
I heard my heart crack and crash
All of it
Over a beautiful picture.
Today we agreed
We wouldn't talk anymore
It just makes you anxious
Nervous
I understand, but I don't want to understand
After all, I still want to be your someone
You can't do it right now
There's too much shit
Too much noise
And I haven't been the most reliable person on the planet
Still
It kills me
We agreed
You called me for the last goodbye and that was it
Then you went and had some wine
I was happy to see a message from you
I can't lie
I was
Wish it wouldn't have to be like this
Today is Thursday
Wish it could be like last year
And we were making plans to be together for tomorrow
We talked a bit
About the past
You were drunk
Not that much
A little bit tipsy
Talked about the past
Of how things could've been different
I told you
They can still can
Nothing is permanent
You didn't reply
You asked for a good night
I gave it to you
You offered me an I love you
And I couldn't help but weep
Not sure of happiness or
The realization
That it might've been the last one
I said it back and came back to write
This neverending poem
For no one to read.
I want to keep going until my fingers bleed
I could tell our story a thousand times
And it wouldn't do it justice
Where to start even?
The text message 16 years ago?
The phone call?
Or further back
When by pure chance I met a friend of yours
That in a random day she couldn't text me from her cellphone
And used yours
And I saved your number
Never knew why
But I did
If I believed in god
I'd say it was his hand guiding me
But I don't
So I'll just say
There are random things
Meant to be
Entropy has is own stable nature
From chaos and randomness
We were born
Sure
It took a while
To fully realize
But shit
It was worth it
Wasn't it?
I'm hurt right now
And it's hard for me to see all the good things
But I still believe
Chaos and order
I don't know
I really don't
If we'll get through this
Or if we do
If it will be the same
It's too soon
I hear you talk
Sometimes I can make out you want me in your future
Others not so much
That's why I suggested
We stop talking
For a while
Until it doesn't make you sad
Which is sad in its own way
I'm a constant reminder of your fears and anxieties
I can't handle it as well
We talked a bit
You were in a good mood
And said I love you
What more can I ask.
I'm trying to be all right
Get everything in order
But it all takes so much time
And I have too much of it
Shit
That doesn't matter
It's Friday now
You have plans for tomorrow
And the weekend
I'm jealous
But happy for you
Gotta deal with it
But sometimes I really
Just need to disappear
Like
Really
Really
Disappear
I can't handle this
And I'll never get better
Even if we'll be all right
Each time we'll argue
I'll come back to this
I don't want that
I don't want to feel this
One more second
I go to bed and can't sleep
Because I dream of you
We're happy sometimes
Others not so much
So, not even dreams do me good
I wake up to a world without you
Without anything worthwhile
because
That's who I am
I do try
Shit
I do try
Finished my thesis
All the articles
I try to talk with my brother
Play some games
Hit the gym
I don't like going out so that's out of the question
But maybe I can go do some shopping
I need a pair of pants
Maybe that will help
I do try
I'll keep on trying
Wish I didn't have to
If I could just click a button and switch off
I would do it
I can't feel like this anymore
Nothing helps
Just typing
Endlessly
For naught
For no one
It helps
A fraction of a second
The moment the finger hits the key
And I see it materialize on the screen
It helps
That's why
I can't seem to stop
I don't even want to stop
I don't want to go to bed
In the dark
Waiting for another repeat
Maybe tomorrow will be better
I doubt it
The I love you was sincere
It was
I know it was
I know
I know
I know
I know
I really missed your voice
I think that's it for tonight.
It's 16.50 on a friday
The train should come soon
I'm here
Waiting
This was always the one you took
When you came
The doors will open
And you won't come out
But I'm here
Wishing against wish
That one day I'll see your blonde hair and sweet smile
I am hung up on you
We agreed not to talk to anymore
It's better for you
I can do that
But what I do on my own
Is my own
And I will sit on that bench
Every friday
From 4.30 to 5 pm
Dreaming of how many times you sat on my lap
When we were waiting
How many times we died laughing
How many times I kissed you
Wish I could've done it more
I wish that every Sunday since the first I could've said
'You're not leaving, you're staying with me'
It's easy to talk
Easy to see
Walk the path
Of the could've been, said or did
But it's all I have
Because I don't have
That hope
The knowledge
I don't have you
In the future
Running out of those steps
At 5 pm and smile at me.
Things almost felt normal today
I sent you a text after midnight
Saying it was our day
You replied in the morning
A sweet, heartfelt message
One of those you can't answer or you ruin it
I saw it
Saved it in my heart
And went on
You sent another one back 2 hours later
It was the same type as before
But it felt different
Like I should say something
I didn't know what to say
I won't say I miss you, I love you
We had that talk now many times before
You know it already
So
I started typing
And I erased
You must've seen it
You typed
"Say it"
So, I started small talk
About a show you talked me about some days before
Some documentary about a guy accused of killing his wife
I told you I liked it
We talked a bit
You recommended another one and said you were going to watch it
I told you I'd watch it with you
And we did
Just like before
We couldn't finish it
Saturday in July is a day to go to be bathing in the sun
For most people
I'd like to be one of those people
To be like you
We didn't talk yesterday and it killed me
I can barely get out of bed
And do anything
I envy that trait of yours
And hate mine
How can I be so crippled
So handicapped
I thought about talking to someone and go out
But in fact
That's the last thing I really want to do
Anyway
Things felt normal
For one hour
Am I still fooling myself?
Holding on to stupid shit
If it wasn't the 11th I wouldn't have said anything
You wouldn't have replied
We wouldn't have talked about anything
Will it be like that tomorrow?
And after?
We made a deal
No contact
But it was the 11th
And things seemed good
I guess things can be good
For only one hour
I'm sorry I can't be the bigger man here
But I wished you stayed here with me
Watching Netflix all day
Instead of going to the beach
Even if it's July and sunny outside
I'm sorry
It's a fault of mine
Because
When I'm not well
I can't understand how others can be well
I mean
I can
We feel what we feel
But I can't understand why do I have to be like this
I just want to accept that it really is over
And not feeling like I'm holding on to something that isn't there anymore
These Fridays are becoming harder and harder
When we talked
You said I didn't want you to be the person who just did nothing
And I agreed
I hope you do everything you can to become better
But I have to ask
Eventually
Or right now
Will it ever involve me again?
Or is this the new normal
Not seeing each other
Talking once in a while
Feeling everything can become better
And nothing changes
We're far from each other
but not that far
We could work things out
like we always did
I know it's easier to have everything done for you
For us, you have to make an effort
But shit
Isn't our relationship worth an effort?
The time we spend together?
You said no
I understand and respect that
I'm just not strong enough yet
To keep you far away
Eventually
I guess I will
As time goes on
And does what it does
What has it been now
3 months?
4 months?
Not seeing each other
Not kissing
Hugging
Fucking
Now we barely talk
I guess this was the only way to end us
Not with a sudden and clean cut
But small little ones
It's harder in the long run
For me at least
But a message from you
An I love you from you
A 'forever' from you
Shit
It means everything to me
I still hope
You do you
Do the things you need to feel good
I know you're depressed and angry
At me
At everything
At how little things in your past can creep up on you
So
I sincerely hope all you do
Makes you feel better
It'll make all of this worth it
I won't be there if you find someone else
That's my hard limit
I think you can understand that
I just wish I was like you
Message someone and go out
Like nothing else is going on
Your little bubble
I have that
But it only works when I'm with you
When we're together the world changes
Disappears
Anything is possible
I'm whole again
It only happens with you
Why?
Why can't I feel good when I'm with my friends?
Am I such a bad person?
Does that make me a bad person?
I don't know the answer
Probably never will
Wish you were here.
There's something wrong with me
I'm engaging in unhealthy behavior
I'm checking your Instagram every 10 seconds
To see the number of followers
Publications
I saw today you accepted 2
My first thought was...
I'm not proud of it
And you did nothing wrong
Even if it was men
What's wrong?
You're free
I'm not one to control
I didn't even mention it
I rationalized there was nothing wrong with it
But my first reaction was so fucked up
I can't deal with it
I'm becoming something I hate
I was never too jealous
Too controlling
Still think I'm not
But all of this that's happening
It seems to be waking up
Every insecurity in me
I'm trying to find a solution
Every time I think about looking at your profile
I try and think first "there's nothing there that will help you"
And I think
And I think
And I struggle
And in the end I say "this is the last time"
And I go there
Sometimes there's nothing
Sometimes there is
But there's nothing inherently wrong with it
It happens to me as well
People follow me
Although I don't follow many back
But we're different anyway
I don't want to be this person
I barely recognize who this person is
Talking about me by the way
Yesterday was the 11th
It was a good day
Not a normal for our standards
But we watched netflix
Talked in the morning and evening
You sent me some pictures
I liked them
You told me you weren't feeling well when you went to sleep
So today I said good morning and hoped you were better
You replied
We talked a bit
And watched some more netflix
You got tired
Because it's hard to type on the cellphone and pay attention at the same time
I can do it because I'm on the pc
You apologized
You didn't need to
I understand everything
I was just glad we did something together
I want to help you so much
be the one who says everything is okay
And make it all okay
Not just empty words
It's all I have in this moment
Fuck me
If only I've done everything sooner
Women like older men because they don't have to babysit man-childs
They prefer someone who is already "ready"
Your words
I don't think you meant that directed at me
But I know it applies
I'm sorry I'm not ready
Before we got together I was taking the first steps towards it
It takes time
And there's no guarantee even
Shit happened in the past
And I know you're not well right now
I just feel powerless
I have some money saved up
But not enough to help with what you're going through
I'm careful with it
I have to
I can't be planning a 4 year PhD without any job prospects without caution
I'm trying really hard to get a job
Really really hard
I'm applying to everything in the area
Even the last job that almost killed me
I don't care
I just know I need to be doing something
To help me secure my future
And try and help you
If you want it
Need it
It's just taking so long
I got nothing to show for it right now
Nothing
Just insecurities and anxieties
That I don't dare share with you
You don't need that weight on you
Besides
I know vulnerability isn't exactly appealing
I want to open up with you
But I can't
You already have so much on your shoulders
I have to make life-changing decisions by myself
And hope I get them right
Because I don't know
Where we'll be in a year or two
I hope we'll still be together
I know I want to
But together with me doing a program 2hours away from you?
I can make that work
But I could just as easily go to your city
And make my life there
But then
For you
It would just be another responsibility
Like you say
That I'm trying to rush things
When I'm not
I decided already
Where I'm going
If I'm accepted
And it's not the one closest to you
it's the best option for me
Like my master's was
But it turned out my master's ruined everything
I'm torn
I'm in pieces
You're in pieces
I want to make it all right
And I can't
Everything changed
I try to be okay with it
But I'm not
I find myself just shaking
Uncontrollably
Holding the phone
Thinking about you
What's best
What should I do
If I knew everything
I'd do everything differently
But I didn't
No point in talking about the past I guess
I'm trying my best for the future
Maybe I can land a good job soon
When I get everything published
Or maybe not such a good job
But a good enough job
Where I can pay for a house
And you can come and not worry about nothing
If you want
Maybe the 4 years will be worth it
I'll be 36 if everything goes according to plan
I'll work wherever I need to work
In the end, I should be able to be invited to give some classes
Somewhere
College professors make a decent living
That's my plan
It will take a while
And the PhD won't be as easy as my master's
I think
But I'll try
Is this still a poem?
It feels more like a diary to me
No matter
Maybe one day you'll read it and laugh about everything
Or you'll never read it
I want to write all the good things as well
Not just the bad ones
We talked
We laughed
We still haven't been together
Going on for 4 months now
That worries me
But I won't force you
It's hard enough for you as it is
Do everything you can to become better
And I'll be happy
Whatever the outcome is
it's just
As I said before
I wish I could do something
Be a billionaire and solve all your problems
Have my own life organized and ready for the future
But I don't
All I have is words
And love
Lots of it
Lots of both
Whatever good that does
It's not enough
Every day I think about ending it all
Myself I mean
It's not a healthy and stable mental state to be in
But I'm so tired
So so so tired
Of being nothing
I can only think
That if I leave now
The last impression you'd have of me
Was of someone who loved you
And tried everything
As it is now
We'll end up
Just
Forgetting each other
Shit
No
I'll never forget you
Never.
Just need some help
Some help
Some help
from the universe
Make something go right
Not by my hand
Not what I need to work for
Make something random happen
That will help me
Help her
Please
I studied for my master's to get a better job
That seems not to be working
I'm too old for everything and no relevant experience in the field
So, that was a good idea
Still a chance
The letters of recommendation tell of a brilliant future for me
That I just don't see
But I will try
But fuck me
I'll try
But please
Help me
I'm not asking any deity
Any god
To do it
The universe
The entropy
The chaos
The randomness
Make something happen
To me
Or her
That will help her
Please
I'm begging
Not talking about a lottery
Just a little nudge in the right direction
A little sign
Some random event
Make it all right
Please
Make it all
All right
For her
At least
For her.
Please.
We still have our moments
But you're so distant right now
I miss our other moments
Why do I feel such guilt?
Over what happened
Over what I could've done
Over what I didn't do before
So I could help you now
That's all I feel
Guilt
Guilt
Guilt
Responsibility
I miss our summers
I miss you
I miss touching you
Hugging you
Laying in the bed
Just cuddling
Thinking about nothing
Is that all really gone?
It feels so
It's not that I didn't cherish those moments
I absolutely loved them
I never took them for granted
I always thought I was so lucky
To be with you
Every time we were together
I tried to make the best of it
It's not like we wasted time
Maybe sometimes
We argued
But we apologized
And kissed
It's so easy when we're together
So, so so easy
I miss that
All I can do now is lie on my bed
Thinking what the fuck can I do
To makes things better
Or at least not make them worse
Space? Plenty of it
Time? All you need
But there's always something that makes us come back to each other
In text
That's the problem
Wish I lived 5 min away from you
That's what I regret the most
I could've done things differently in the past
But then again
I left because you didn't want me at the time
You didn't pick me
You didn't choose me
Had I stayed (which I should've)
I would've watched you first hand
Building a life with someone else
I couldn't handle that
Never
I saw that from a distance safe enough for both of us
Six years passed
And we found each other
For real this time
But so far apart
We tried to make it work
It might still work
But I don't know
But
But
But
Had I stayed in that job
Had I built my career right there and then
Made my life there
Perhaps I would've found someone in the meantime
But she'd never be you
I've always wanted you
Had I stayed there
Endured those six years
Made everything I could do "make it"
None of this
Needed to happen
All the problems due to distance
All my insecurities because you never picked me
You could be in my house right now
Laughing
Sure
Still with some problems to solve
But with me
Holding your hand
I like to think that would help
But that's a reality that doesn't exist in this timeline
In this universe
We are bound to each other
But life is making fucking everything to keep us apart
I'm not even sure you like me anymore
You still say you love me
Sometimes
You still text me
You still miss me
Sometimes
But
It's not the same
It can't be the same
I feel you depressed and anxious
You have an appointment with a doctor
I hope it helps
But I'm under no illusion it will help us
He'll only have your best interests in mind
And an ex-boyfriend or semi-boyfriend or whatever the fuck I am right now
Reminding you every day that I still exist and we can't be together?
Maybe he'll say you have to let me go
How many people have said that?
They know nothing
But what if that's what you really need to get better?
I'll accept it
I'll do it
I'll die doing it
I'm dying right now
I can feel pieces of me
Billions
Trillions
All over the floor
Wherever I go
Bearing us
You
I can honestly feel my heart skipping beats
It's anxiety and I have the meds
But they don't help much
Or the amount needed is too much and I just fall asleep
Fuck
I want you so much
I love you so much
Knowing you might be better off without me
It hurts
It hurts like nothing
I've ever felt before
But at least I'll know you'll be okay
I'll keep watching you once in a while
To make sure you're happy
Like I did
In those six years
I'd go to your profile and see you happy with him
All the trips
Comments
Descriptions
You seemed happy
How could I have not known you were not?
I'd have tried sooner
I'd have said
Pick me
Choose me
Sooner
Before all of this
Before all of it seemed too late
You probably won't believe me
But I have no reason to lie
I waited 6 years for you
6 years single
Loving you
Knowing you were with someone who made you happy
Supposedly
I guess he did at some point in time
But I could've lived with it
For the rest of my life
Without you
Without knowing what it is
To have you
To fulfill this love of 16 years
It's poetic
It's epic
It deserves a better writer than this
To make it justice
I could've done it
But once we accepted each other
There was no turning back for me
Sure
I was an asshole
Many many times
Guilt, remember?
That's all I can feel right now
Guilt.
Powerless
Guilt
Powerless
Guilt
Powerless
Guilt
I'll have to make decisions soon that will dictate my future for the next years
And I can't ask what you think
It would only hurt you more
I'm scared I'll make the wrong decision again
Like I did
When I left that job
Because you didn't pick me
It was not your fault
It was my decision
I just couldn't see you every day with another guy
Not talking
We passed each other so many times like we didn't know each other
We worked the same office
3, 4 meters away
And we were complete strangers
Back then it was 9 years since we've met and kissed
Since we both knew but could never admit
Because of pride
And stupidity
9 years and we became strangers
I couldn't handle it
I left
I had to
I shouldn't
I should've stayed
Maybe now I'd have my life on track
And able to help you
Shit
That's just a dream
Who knows
Maybe nothing would've ever happened
I guess
All I'm saying is
I'm going back in time
Certain periods of my life
Where I could've said it
Could've done things differently
Would we still be together 16 years later?
We didn't last 2 at 30 and 28.
But I think so
We're still not finished
Maybe for now
For a little while
But we'll never be finished
Ever.
I don't want to imagine
You
Having a life with someone else
I really can't
Even if it's the best
I'm not that strong
Not again
I've been strong long enough, you know?
So
If you do find someone else
Make it work
Go all the way
Make it worth it
This sacrifice
This pain
Make every single piece of me whole
By being happy
But I won't be around to see it
I can barely survive these days
There's something wrong with me
I can't tell you
All I can think about is
How
How
How
How
How
How
How should I do it?
Should I do it?
It's not because of you
To make you see things clearly
Or to make you sad
It's just
I can't take it
I can't
It overwhelms me
It crushes me
And I can't talk with anyone
I have to carry this alone
I can't tell you
It would only make things worse
I can't
I'll never tell you
Maybe if you ever read this
You'll know
It's too much
Too much
Everything takes forever
All my decisions
All the turning points
Are months away
That's why I begged the universe
The other day
To help us
To help you
Give you something
I still think if you get better
We can work things out
Maybe we won't
But I hope
In the meanwhile
I just can't handle this
I'm not the same person
I'm scared all the time
I'm anxious
Afraid
Sad
Just sad
What can I do?
What?
I'll do anything
That's why
I ask
How
and Should I?
I'll do anything to make this pain stop
It destroys all your dreams
And I had so few, to begin with
Shit
What the fuck am I saying
I miss you
I love
That's all.
I remember the sound
Of crashing waves
On the sand
The wind blowing
Making everything swirl
We were in the middle
Where nothing could touch us
I remember
This was one of those we didn't talk at all
I'm sure we could've
If one of would've
But that wasn't the agreement
Talking to me made you more anxious and nervous
I told you
You didn't have to
But we agreed
Or I suggested
Silly me
That we cut all contact
And see how you feel
Well, I don't know about you
But this shit is hurting
It burns like fire
Everything aches
And nothing moves
It's like I'm stuck in motion
Inside someone else's story
Without there's not plot
You're the main character
The line that guides me
I spent all day
Back and forth
Back and forth
I sent out 100 resumes
I feel like I have to do something
I hit the gym again
I'm writing
I'm typing
But all I can do
Is have your chat window open
And say "Hello there."
And you'd say it back
And it would be like before
I'd call you love
I miss calling you love
I miss calling you amor
I miss everything
You have no fucking idea
My brain just won't stop
It won't
I'm abusing the pills
I'm overthinking
I can't see the future
I can't plan for the future
What I'm trying to do is get some money
From some random job
Don't care what
Maybe it'll get my mind off of you
I'm reconsidering my phd
Is it worth?
I'd have to go in debt for it
I don't know
I know nothing
nothing
That's why I needed you
So we could talk about nothing
So you could say
It's all right
It's all right
Like you did
That time you don't remember
You held me tight
While I cried and was scared of the future
Of a future without you
A future without anything
And you held me there
Like a mother would hold her child
Caressed my hair
And those sweet words
'Everything will be fine. We're together, I love you'
that lifted me up
Shit
It's what I needed
I just hope you're doing better than me
I think you are
Better coping mechanisms
I'm barely alive
Involuntary mechanisms keep my body well and safe
But I don't feel anything
Just the loss of you
The absence
Sure, I hold on to a few words
Somehow we'll be all right
Everything will be all right
I'm just scared
Scared of everything that might happen
While we're apart
You're gorgeous, smart and with a defined career.
You're basically perfect.
Best sense of humor mixed with a bid of a bad temper
You're also small enough to hold your head on my chest
I'm not the only one seeing this
You turn heads everywhere you go
Things keep like this and it will be repeat of what happened 7 years ago
Me loving you from a distance while you're happy with someone else
I don't want that
I don't want that
I have no more words
Except those
I want you with me
Fuck
Is this too selfish?
I think we both deserve some good in our lives
You'll have yours, 100% (drink)
And me...
Well, we'll just have to see.
Right now I can't see anything past my foggy eyes
I'm blind
So so blind
I'm a child
Looking for a hand to hold
That relief I talked about earlier
I need that hand
I need to know
That everything will be all right.
Think I've been unfair with what I write
I never meant this to be a journal of what's going on
I'd love to write beautiful things
There's something about sadness
That makes even beautiful things seem hopeless
That's not who we are
Or we were
We were the best duo
We are bound
Somehow fate found a way
Although things are as they are
It will never be lack of love
And it was love who drove me all those years
Towards you
In the hotel room
A small kiss on your neck was enough to stop all talk
We couldn't get enough of each other
It's still like this to this day
Even 2 years later
When we see each other
We're teenagers again
It's stupid
It's dumb
But it's beautiful
We have that
We do
We have so many good things
I'm falling into darkness again
Sorry
Can't type anymore.
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Why can't I be a normal person
Hope you're all right
I love you
I'll say it every day.
I think after all
This will be a poem
With an ending
Not the happiest
But I relish the fact
We had good days
The best days
That towers over everything
I know you won't mourn me
I'm not doing this for you
I'm doing it because I can't cope with it
I'm sorry to my brother
Who would move mountains for me
To my mother and sister
I'm sorry
I just...
Wasn't created for this world
I think I needed something different
Ever since someone touched me
I have so many issues I can't even describe
Or know their names
What do you do when you know you had that 1 shot
Over
And Over
And Over
And Over
Again
And you kept ruining it
To protect yourself
'She'll leave like the others'
Well shit
She did, man
You made it happen
She was the one
And you couldn't make it
You weren't up the task
You failed
You fucking failed
She would've done anything for you
Anything
You piece of shit
In your next life maybe you'll be a better person
I'm back to me
I'll always love you
You always had me
since the beginning
Since the days I spent on your class
Rode the bus with you
I loved you since then
Your smile is contagious
I did love you then
I loved you even more in this past 2 years
But that wasn't enough
Too much noise
Too much shit
Your friends
Your parents
Your ex
The house
The car
The job
All noise
That I couldn't save you from
You didn't need saving
You never did
We knew it wasn't going to be easy
But not in a million I'd ever believe there would come a day
Again
When
You'd be better off
That's not me bragging by the way
I just felt your love
So pure
So intense
So Everything
It was everything
It was endless
It was beautiful
Thank you for that
I'm 32 years old
This isn't my suicide letter
This was supposed to be a neverending poem that I would write forever
I just see no future
Life just...
Caught me
And you can argue it was just another heartbreak
Well
It wasn't
It was THE heartbreak
The break that wasn't supposed to happen
And I understand everything
What's best
What's wrong
This isn't a cry for help
This is just me not being able to handle the pain
The despair
The void
Wouldn't you do anything to stop the pain?
What if there was only one thing you could do ever do?
Wouldn't you do it?
It's harder than it seems
I don't want to do it
I want to go back and say to myself
that everything will be all right
But I know it won't
Nothing will ever be the same again
I have some shit written but it's worthless
I won't become one of those posthumous famous writer
It's all shit
But I enjoy doing it
I also miss sex
But the only sex with her
She was the best at it
Fuck me
Best sex of my life
Nothing I can do about that
I can't say goodbye to my brother
Nothing will become easier
The light of my life has been torched to the ground
Partly by me
And everything else
Well
It's just too much
It really is too much
I can't fake emotions
I can't fake being all right
I wear everything on my sleeve
I can't even go out and pretend to have a good time
I'll just be miserable and makes others miserable as well
You
You're a different story
You can light up a room
In the darkest of hours
You don't know how to handle these things, you already said
Does it even matter?
I just want you to remember the good we had
Imagine the good we could've become
I'm not this guy
But I lost you
And you were half of me
Can't lose half of yourself and expect things to be normal
You're all right
You'll be all right
You'll have your house and car
2 kids
And a dog
Perfect life
You'll have your friends to go out when you start to hate your husband
Or maybe just focus on the babies and make up excuses not to fuck
Or maybe you'll find the true love of your life
I was just the thing
That prepared you for it
I want do it
But I can't
I lack the courage.
Could I give myself a few more days?
Every time we talk
Everything seems so permanent
I can't explain it
It's like you're doing away with something that's annoying you
I don't get it
You don't know if this is forever
So we have to assume that it is?
What kind of answer is that?
Just another one
Add it to the list
Of things to keep me away
I should keep away
I will
Starting now
Fuck this
Fuck everything
Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck
Fuck being in love with someone
I told her
I told her
It only lasts 1 year
After that the true test arrives
And so it was
True love
She'll love me forever
That's what she says
Not my kind of love
Not the kind of love
That should last for a lifetime
I have to stop writing about her
She's not giving me anything
About being interested in me again
The love she professes seems platonic
Or so far away in the future
I don't know what to think anymore
I don't
I'm lost.
We had some good days
I hope I'll see you again.
Ever wake up and feel
You have nothing?
Literally nothing
No one seems to understand
I tried talking to my brother
He has no idea
My mother
Knows a bit, but all she says is to go and do other things
Things that tire me just by thinking of them
No one understands this loneliness
This feeling that you have nothing
Nothing to do
Nothing to expect for
Nothing to expect from
I'm trying to remain optimistic
I open your chat window and I "talk" with you
It helps a little bit
But you're still not here
Things aren't all right
You said you loved me forever
I could feel it
It was honest
I just wish whatever it is you're going through
Would go well
Wish I wasn't the thing you closed down
I want a future with you
But I can't see it
Best case scenario
You solve everything in 6 months
And if by miracle you still love me
And realize you miss me
What are you going to do?
"Hey, let's go! I'm ready now."
You won't say if this shit is forever because you don't want to "lock me up"
But we have to assume it is
Because you're not sure of anything
But you say you love me
I'd wait a thousand years for you
If I knew that was what it would take
But as of right now
I don't know
I don't know anything
I know I don't want anyone else
I know I love you
I know I want to be with you
That's what I know
I know nothing else
Nothing
Just that you're going through a rough patch and you're trying to solve it all in the best way possible
I was just something annoying you
It's okay
I guess
Sometimes people don't have time for relationships
They can't do it
Too busy
Too much work
Too much stress
Not enough love
Thing is
It's us
It's you and I
SJ
We were supposed to overcome everything
I guess we couldn't
After all
That's a sad thought
You were my benchmark
My best friend
The one I could always count on
Finally admitting our feelings made things better
It's sad knowing it's better like this
Sad knowing that the future doesn't look bright
I'm not angry enough to be mad at anything
Maybe I should
But I don't know
Deep down I still hope
It's us after all
Everything should be all right
Eventually
Right?
It was always like this.
We love each other
That's what matters
That's what matters
That's what matters
That's what matters
That's what matters
That's what matters
That's what matters
That's what matters
SJ
We'll always have each other.
Remember that poem
In some other life
We are standing
Side by side and
Laughing that, in
Some other life
We are apart.
We laughed at those fools
At those idiots who never had the courage
How naive
I don't any of this to be taken as is
These are just my thoughts
And feelings
It's about the only way I can cope with
That's not unhealthy
I know nothing
I know nothing
Except that I love you
And you're doing your best
What you think it's best
For you
For me
I'll never blame you for that
Never
Hello there
Come a little closer
Sofia & João 2004-XXXX
I don't know what to think
I don't know how both of us
Arrived here
Not talking
Ignoring each other
You came and said good night yesterday
That was it
We used to talk for hours and hours
You had something to say
You just didn't
There used to be no secrets between us
Now I wonder how many separate us
It seemed you just needed to know I was still there
You're not holding me down
But you're not letting me go as well
I want to stay for you
But those things you say
"Why can't you just be well?"
Don't you know why?
I asked you if you felt well
You just said
You had no choice
So "Yes"
You were
Ok
I'm glad
It's proven
You're better without me
Without the weight of a relationship
Who can't respect that?
If fucking hurts
But I respect it
I'll just
Be...
Alone
With no illusions
No hopes
If someone loves you
They'll move mountains for you
That's what they say at least
I'm glad it all worked out for you
We were supposed to be different
What did I expect
Really
What did I expect
I don't know
Something different I guess
Not this
Shit
It's my fault as well
I want to go back in time
I'm holding on to what's barely there
You were right
This is forever
This is permanent
If it wasn't I think you'd know
Everyone does
I really want to believe
That
We're soulmates still
This is just a bump in our journey
We had so many already
But
At some point
You need to face the facts
Yes, you still text
Some times
You still say you love me
But everything with finality to it
Like we'll never see each other again
I'm trying really hard S.
But every day is a non-day
I wake up
Turn on the pc
And check Whatsapp every 3 min
For you
It's just...sad
You're working hard
Making things happen
And I'm stuck
I'm stuck
I can't move on
I'm living for the day you message me
I'm living for the moment like yesterday
"Good night, João"
And we talk for 5minutes
It was the best part of my day
You said you never felt like you had me
Shit
I don't know how or why
I can barely go through the day
Without you
You always had me
Always will
Always
I don't want to move on
I want you
You
Here
In my arms
Dying of laughter
Feeling like the best
The happiest
I know what we had
You'll never be able to deny that
It's amazing what 300km
And a few months
Do to your memory
You were the happiest here
I was the happiest there
You just didn't see it
For some reason
Now, I don't know what is best
I'm trying my hardest not to bother you
Not to chase
I think I fought for you plenty
I think I did what I could
The best and maximum
Short of appearing in front of you
Maybe that could work things out
But it's a gamble I'm not willing to take
You don't like surprises
I would love to see you again
But since I'm not sure you share this feeling
I won't be selfish
I'll just be
And stay
And write
And write
And write
And write
It's easy to say I love you
But I love you
I love you so much
You're the hand that keeps all the demons away
You're the relief of that lost child who doesn't know where to turn
You're the smile who can turn even the darkest day into something good
I'm sorry for all the things I've done wrong
I really am
I'll never be perfect
I regret so many things
But I like to think
I've done many things right
I did try
You know that's one of the things that hurts the most
Knowing you tried
And failed so hard
I never wanted this to be a sobby diary
I'm just writing things as they come
I'll probably never show this to you because
I don't want you reliving these days
It probably feels one-sided
Like I'm the only in pain
It's just that I can only tell my side of the story
I just know what you tell me
But yesterday you told me you were all right
So,
I want you to be happy
Be well
Be safe
Always.
Yours, J.
I'm here thinking of reasons
To try and be mad at you
And I find many
I just can't
The feeling doesn't even disappear
Because it never shows up
I wanted to start a list of all the things you said/done wrong
That lasted about a week
Until I realized it only made bitter and sad
I know my way of solving things may seem
Dumb
But I do forget things
I forget them all
Because I try to remember only the good
It's not perfect
Some shit still slips by sometimes
Things I'll never forget
But for the most part
I only think and remember
The good
I think that's why it's easier for you to stay away right now
You tend to always remember the bad
I'm here only recalling the good
I don't even want to know the shit you've done to me
Or remember it
I'll never hate you
I'll never try to hate you
I'll never try to make this easy on me
We have to live with what we did
Now, if anyone else reads this
Will probably think
I cheated on you a hundred times and always promised never to do it again
No.
That never happened
Our problems were different
I overreacted many times
I was too quick to just say "fuck it, we're over"
I could be rude and rant about something for half an hour
But, I always recognized it, didn't I?
Always apologized and tried to be better
I think I did.
I never stopped loving you
All those times
And for each time we argued we had 777777777777777777777 others where we were loving each other
It's not fair to weigh a relationship like this
But shit
I can't deny what I did and said at times
But
Do you believe me when I say
I'm sorry?
I love you?
I want you?
Some things will change
Have changed
Those never did
Never will.
I'm having a hard time envisioning a future
Everything seems that it stopped
Or rather
I stopped
While everything else changes
Got a text from you
Something happened at work
And you wanted to tell me
We talked quite a bit
I think things got a bit clearer now
I can't tell you what to do
But I'll always say what I feel
And this time
I told you
Head-on
If there was nothing left of us
Nothing we could do anymore
Even if you still loved me
It would be over
Forever
You said that wasn't how you felt
We talked a bit more after that
I'm not happy or glad
Nothing changed really
We're still broken
Apart
Far away
No future as far as we can see
But you still love me
And you believe there's still a way
I'll never stop believe in us
At least
In what I feel for you
And in what I would do for you
I've been in your shoes
Kind of
I could always separate things
Kind of
When I was too depressed to get out of bed
It was you who made me
I'd be angry and grumpy
But I would
And I would improve
And I could see
And know
That I'd never want to lose you
Even in my darkest hour
When that hand got a hold of me
You were there
You endured my pain
My suffering
Everything
You didn't turn away
How could I turn away now?
Maybe I'm being pathetic
You said so many times
"I don't want you to wait for me"
"That's just more pressure"
Well, shit
What am I supposed to do?
Say okay and never think of you again?
While I love you?
While I ache every day for you to come back?
While you still text me?
And I reply in seconds?
I'm not stuck
I just love you
Is all
I'll never stop loving you
Say what you will
I'll be here for you
In whatever way you need me
Maybe we won't be boyfriend and girlfriend for a while
Maybe you'll find another life without me
Maybe you'll find that you don't love me anymore
But that's a maybe
That's for the future to tell us
Right now
We do love each other
It's not the best time
It's also not the worst
The worst...
Well, paradoxically
The worst turned out to be good.
I'll take this as a test
If we get through it
We'll come out stronger
I believe
For now, we're still apart
It hurts like hell
But
It is what it is
I won't take anything for granted
Life is still on hold for me
I can't help it
Can't fake happiness with me
I try my best when I'm with others
But it doesn't take long to come out
Also, my social energy was never too high to begin with
I always thought that would be a selling point
For a serious relationship
I like to stay at home and watch movies
Or do nothing
I don't go out for drinks
I don't do nightclubs
I don't flirt
I stay fit because that's what you need to do
Especially as you get older
I'm almost 33 after all
Even when I go to the beach
I don't take my shirt off
I don't like the sun ruining my skin
You're always tanned
It suits you
Hot as fuck
Maybe I could try and do the same
Would you love me more?
I like my pale skin
It's untouched really
Last time I got tanned was in 2013
Don't know
Maybe this year I'll do it
Since everything is different
Only one year won't ruin my skin forever
I don't base this on any scientific evidence by the way
But I truly believe that year after year after year of sunbathing
Ruins your skin
And your 40s will look the 60s
Not with you
You're special
You'll be a knock out at 40
Long way until then anyway
Yeah
Maybe tomorrow I'll go
A couple of hours won't hurt
I'll use sun-screen
Maybe I'll look better to you then
Such a superficial thing to say
But you do get hot with that tan
And those tan lines
When we're together
They drive me crazy
Can't explain it
Why am I even talking about this
It's just making me miss you more
As of right now
We're making small talk
It feels kind of forced
Like it's not normal
Maybe it's just the distance of it all
We have so many important things to discuss
That talking about our cats
Seems...
Can't tell
You always said you wanted a book written for you
Will this ever count?
The words are here
It's probably more of a letter
Than a poem
Or a proper story
But if you ever read it
I hope you like it
Some parts of it
If everything will be all right
I'll put it here
If not
I'll put it here as well
And you'll know
How my days went
Today is the 15th of July
And it's currently 22.26
Or 10.26pm for our foreign friends
We just said good night
It was friendly
You're not sleeping well
You went to to the doctor yesterday
I asked if he gave you something for it
You didn't even acknowledge the question
By what you tell me
You're averaging 3 to 4 hours of sleep
Not even myself
In the peak of my insomnia
That I still suffer from by the way
It's only a little better because I take my daily dose of diazepam
I wouldn't sleep at all
Like all night
But then during the day I'd find the time to sleep 2 to 3 hours
It wasn't healthy
I couldn't function properly
I can only imagine what you're going through
But you don't take help kindly
Or suggestions
Maybe that's my fault
I always try to find a solution
I hope you sleep well tonight
I hope there's still a bit of us
Inside you
Most of all
I hope you'll be all right
I'll go to the beach tomorrow
Maybe that will help me as well
I find it tiresome just thinking about it
But
That's not normal, right?
I'm healthy and fit
I can run for miles
I work out
There's nothing wrong with me physically
It's all in my head
Everything bores me
Everyone bores me
Except you
Don't know why
It's not the conversations
Or the people
It's the experience in itself
I isolate myself on purpose
Why?
Then I'm all alone
When you leave
And I crash
Hard
That's not healthy
And I'm on a psychiatrist for 2 years now
I'd like that explained to me
Nothing excites me
Except you
Those fridays
I could run around the world with you
Is this normal?
Is my unconscious self saving up energy
For you?
Energy that won't be spent anytime soon?
It doesn't make sense
Do I have to force myself to go out?
I did it a month ago
But it was out of spite
Because of something that happened between us
I liked it
But it took too long
Too expensive
And didn't do what I thought it would
I went to our first place
I thought you'd be nostalgic about it
But you simply didn't care
Cause you were down south
Enjoying your own beach time
I was jealous of that
I could only think
That it was a perfect weekend for us
Not my best moment
I have many of those
So, I sent you a good night text
One of those
You always asked
And I hesitated to give
For reasons already explained
Right or wrong
I had them
But I sent them
I've sent a few now
I don't know if what you wanted was one every night
One every day
During the day
Right now I could see I was so blind
To what you were asking me
To what you needed
I did other things
We have many inside sayings
Many loving things we say to each other
Somehow I thought those were enough
But you asked
And kept asking
And I hesitated for so long
Didn't want to feel forced
Didn't want you to remember what I wrote for other people
I was always trying to avoid arguments
or making you sad or jealous
Like writing this
If you read it
You'll be sad
At least if I showed you right now
You probably won't give a fuck in a year or two
At this rate
Anyway
I sent it
It was sweet
You liked it
I said good morning
We're talking
You mention vacation days
And I die inside
Why?
Because I'm a piece of shit
I instantly thought
"We can be together, right? Why isn't she saying something about it?"
But then I remembered
You're not my girlfriend anymore
I'm not your boyfriend
You say you miss me
But you don't want to be with me
You're going 3 days to the place you invited me over last year
I loved it
But in the last day we had a stupid argument
And the return trip was horrible
So, I think you'll never invite me over there again
Also, I didn't have much money at the time for the gas
I bought us an expensive dinner to try and make up for it
But I should've helped more
Even if I didn't have much
You're going to have a full week off next month
Guess what I instantly thought?
Again
Yes
I know
I can't help myself
It's just
I want to be with you so much
Your parents won't be home
I could go and spend 1 day or 2
You know?
But then I remember
We're ex-boyfriend and girlfriend
We're still talking because you said
We could still work things out
And I won't add pressure
If you want me there
You'll tell me
If you don't want me
It's your right
But fuck
It's been since March we last saw each other
You don't have to do anything
I would go to you
I feel things are so messed up
I can't even suggest we see each other
It's your vacation days
You'll want to feel turned off from everything
I can do nothing about it
But it adds to this feeling
That everything is so fucked up
Sure
We're talking
We're laughing
Because no pressure
You know you don't have to be with me
Because I said so
I accepted it
Because I know what you're going through every day
And I just want to help
But
I'll die inside again
If you go down south with a friend of yours
I'll die inside again
If you spend a week on some resort somewhere
I know it will be what's best for you
And I should do the same
But I can't help myself
I think these horrible things
It's not like I want you all to myself
It's just been so long
And this was a good chance
If everything was still all right
I'm not proud of myself
I can tell you that
I want to be stoic
But I think you can understand, right?
I'm dying for us to see each other
To be together again
I have so much time at the moment
It's all being wasted
You'll say it was reverse last year
And it was
But as soon as I freed up some time
I told you
And we made plans
I don't know
Maybe things will still turn around
Maybe you'll suggest I go there for a day or two to see how things go
But this is my first reaction
I'll never lie
I want everything I'm feeling
To be here in this neverending poem
I'm overjoyed we're texting again
I gave you an out yesterday
Of all of this
"Even if you loved me but you thought there was nothing that could be done
We could end things and stop all this"
I truly meant it
You said that wasn't how you felt
That we could solve things still
I'm overjoyed at that
All I want is for us to be well
For that, you have to be well first
I hope it doesn't take too long
I really do
Because I love you
And it's so hard playing this role of best friend
That is all right with us not seeing each other
I think you realize that
And that's part of the reason we broke up
Because you can't handle a relationship where you feel you're not giving what you're supposed to
Too much shit going on
I think you're depressed and in need of professional help
But I can't talk about it
Because you don't talk about it
And avoid the subject
But this time would be different
I even thought of just going there
On some random day and have lunch or whatever
It would be expensive for me
But at this point, I really don't care
I don't do it because it wouldn't help
I think
You'd just be anxious and nervous and mad
I have to be patient
And I will be
But I'm also not perfect
I still think some things you did are fucked up
Even though I have no right to complain
But if I did the same
You'd be pissed
You said it yesterday
"you miss me so much, that's why you come and talk so much with me"
Shit
I thought it was agreed upon to see how you felt
I even asked you afterward
Should we start talking then?
And you said "No"
Wtf?
Then you said "I know you're always on Whatsapp"
Implying I'm talking to other girls
When all I do is open your window and "talk" to you
You went to the beach and purposely avoided WhatsApp
So you wouldn't talk to me
I didn't even say anything because you stopped replying in the morning
I just let you be and went and cleaned up my car
But I know you were on other social media
Whatsapp means me
And you wanted to avoid me
Even when I gave you space
Eventually, you came and talked to me
Late at night
To finish the show we started seeing
And I'm okay with that
That's a healthy relationship
You have your things
Your time with your friends
Do what makes you feel best
But
If it was me
It's because I never loved you
You felt you never had me
You feel you don't have me
Your recent words
Shit
I'm lost
Don't know what to do
Or how to feel
I'm dying inside because of the vacation thing
And I'm talking to you like nothing happened
Because I can't complain
If I do the same
You can't complain
And you won't
Because we're not together anymore
But we still talk
We still want to work things out
I don't want to do anything to risk that
Either by going out and ignoring you like you did to me
Or saying "Hey, maybe we could get together next month?"
No
I have to sit and be patient
When we broke up you said you didn't want me to wait or be locked up
And I'm not
I just hate this feeling of not being able to say things like these
Normal things
That couples say
"Hey, lets go out. Make weekend plans. How next week sounds to you?"
I hate it
I hate not being able to do that
I miss it more than I hate it not being able to say it
I miss it
I miss it
I miss it
I miss it
I miss it
Will we ever be all right?
Is this the right path?
My greatest fear is that what happened to you
Will happen to me
You not caring at all about us being together
Being a couple
That I'll also lose hope and interest
And we'll be lost
I don't want anyone or anything else
But I want more than this
I want things to be all right
I'm trying to do the right things
Say the right things
But your lack of interest will fuck me up
I am sure of that
I will always love you
But feeling you're loving a person that doesn't love you back
It damages you
We're not there yet
Everything is too raw
You're going through everything else
And even though you were the one texting me when we're broken up
I could've just said it won't work out like this
But I didn't
I was eager and anxious for you.
I understand what's happening
And I want to be there for you
Don't want to run away because shit gets hard
I told you that
But I don't know
Don't want to feel like this is one-sided
Even when I was an asshole when we argued in the past
I never put something like being together
Behind us
I mean, that's one of the reasons that held us for so long
Because it's fucking amazing
Do I sound selfish?
I don't mean to
I want to do right by you
I still believe in us
And I'm sure if we can work things out
You and I will both know
What we've done
What needs to be done
And make up for this time
Hopefully, many vacation days lie ahead of us
Together.
So, I went to the beach
With my brother
I almost felt guilty
How silly is that?
You barely talked to me when I told you I was going
Then you just said you were grumpy and tired
I did nothing wrong
Yet, I feel guilty as fuck
I did nothing you don't do
I didn't even ignore you
I messaged you
Saying we arrived
Even tried to start a conversation
But you ended it quickly
We barely talked afterwards
Why do I feel like shit
For being 2 hours with my brother on a silly village beach?
But I told you
When you came, we would go to one
And you said that was a good idea
It's this kind of things I'm holding on to
Small things you say
If you say it's a good idea, that means you'll come one day
Right?
Right?
:(
I feel so pathetic
I still feel I'm trying my best
I refrain from texting too much so you can rest
But there was a time
Not so long ago
Where I said
"I'm sorry, I'm talking too much."
And you replied
"Don't. I'm loving it."
How things change
How hard I fell for you
How hard it's hitting me now
I don't want you in a bad mood every time we talk
But if we decide not to
You'll end up texting me anyway
And you won't be as moody
We all have bad days
But shit, S.
This is killing me
You have no idea the mental effort it was
To even decide
I was going out
I just don't like being outside
I really don't
But should I just stay in my room
Texting you some times
And hoping you're on a good day?
I want everything back to our normal
We talked without worries
I had no other needs
I didn't have to make that effort
Probably will never happen
I feel no love from you
At all
Last time I did
Was that day
You called me right before dinner with your friend
You drank a bit
And you poured your heart out
I felt you there
I really did
So, something is still there
It just doesn't come out very often
You're angry at me
At all the million things I did
"I have a thousand reasons to leave this relationship"
"I want out of this relationship"
And you did
We're not in a relationship
But it seems like nothing really ended
Yet
It's been a slow death
A slow painful death
Maybe I'm wrong
I hope I am
I hope all the anger you have at me will disappear
What am I to do in the meantime?
You say to live my life
Easy for you to say
You're not retarded like me
It'll never be easy for me
Never
I'm hoping against hope
That you'll find the love you have for me
And give it again
Even if I don't deserve it sometimes
Else, what are we doing?
I'm easing your part of the breakup
Because you know I'm here waiting for you?
Until you find someone else?
You wouldn't that to me
Would you?
I think not
Not to me
Not to me
Not to us
This is just a shit time
I should have my shit together already
If I had a job already
And I could say you could come and live with me
Would all of this have happened?
I can't stop blaming myself
Would you rebuild your life
If I had the chance
To provide for you?
Would you change cities?
Would you buy a house with me?
Would you marry me?
Would you have my children?
We used to have answers to all of this
I'm trying to, but it all takes time
I was dumb in the past
Blame it on my depression
You can'see past tomorrow
Last thing I was thinking 7 years ago when you were moving with someone else
Was
I need to pursue my dreams and then maybe she'll want me
I was just too hurt
Not heartbroken like this
Because we didn't have anything
But I was hurt
I just wanted to leave
Everything behind
Foolish of me
All of this
Could've been completed years ago
I'd be established already
I can't stop blaming myself
Yet, it was your choice
To be with him
To do everything you did with him
Why do I have to be guilty about that?
Why am I?
Why do I feel like it's my fault?
If I did things differently we wouldn't be going through this
I have to think if you did things differently no one would be in this mess
I don't know
2 years ago I thought it was the right time
Because it was when it finally happened
You had no doubts in your heart
I never had them in mine
But you didn't
For the first time
I could have you
So, for me
2 years was the perfect time
Even if I was just starting to get my life back on track
To do right by us
Now, I feel it's all pointless
Why should I do a Ph.D.?
4 years for what?
Not having you?
A slightly better chance at the career I want?
Without you?
It's like 7 years ago
I can't see anything but today
I can't see a future
I can't see anything
I try
and I try
And I try
I imagine
The best possible scenario
But my mind says no
Not going to happen
You'll just end up in debt
And end up bagging groceries anyway
At least you'll have a diploma saying you're a Doctor, right?
Totally worth
This is not your fault
I made my own choices
In the past
I just thought I was doing the right ones now
For us
But even this
It seemed too easy
And I'm getting no callbacks
I lost count to how many resumes I've sent
I have a fucking master's
I'm technically more qualified than...what 80% of EVERYONE?
How does that not land me a job
I'm applying to supermarkets ffs
Maybe it's the pandemic
The depression that is coming
If I get the doctorate I'll be in the 1% of the most qualified people in Portugal
Is that what will take it?
4 more years?
Is that it?
I don't know
I'll certainly try
If I can survive until then
But
A doctorate is a different beast than a master's thesis
No guarantee I'll be able to do it
Might be just a waste of time
But that's the plan
I'm talking too much about myself again
I wish I could make everything all right with you
I really do
I still beg and pray
To God
To all the Gods
To the universe
To help you
Will anyone heed my call?
It's selfless
Even if you choose not to stay with me
I want you to be all right
We barely say good night anymore
Each day it becomes shorter
And shorter
No more I love you
Tonight was
Just "Good night, J."
I know it probably seems I'm just reporting shit as it happens
But this is what I'm talking about, you know?
The things that are being lost.
I fought back
I sent you a kiss
Don't care if you only said that
But I hope it won't become the norm
Our good nights were special
Not too long
But at least 2 to 4 lines with an I love you in the end
They were sweet
I miss them
Add them to the list
What else will be gone before all of this is over?
I want to do right by you
But you're making it so hard
Say what you will about me
I never gave you this much shit
For such a long time
I feel like I'm being punished
You're the one who chases after me when we stop talking
Am I fool in answering back?
Shit
Maybe I am
I'm just being retarded by trying to talk about normal things?
Make you laugh?
Do I deserve a fucking Good night, J.?
After all we've been through
I don't mean to sound angry
But I think I am
I think I'm starting to believe I deserve more
Fuck
You love someone
You treat them well
Sure, argue and curse and shout when things get heated
But always go back to normal
Don't punish me forever
Don't hold me down
I feel like shit most days
I'm going through my benzos like candy
I never know how you'll react to anything
I think I do deserve more
I don't want to walk away
I never will
But I deserve more
If I say that
You'll agree with me
And we'll be back to not talking again
Since we're still broken up
I'm just afraid
That all this love
All this guilt
All this will I have
To make things right
Will go away
Because you're not recognizing it
Am I being unfair?
I always think that
That I can't ask too much of you with everything that's going on
But shit, man
There's a minimum
I don't want to come across too whiny
As I said before
I'm writing things as they happen
Mostly therapeutic
Since I'm unable to do anything else
I haven't touched a game in 2 weeks
I sold my account for good cash
I just turn on the PC to send resumes
And write this
This is not even a poem anymore
It's just a rant at this point
But I don't care
If we ever go back to being okay
I'll write about that too
For example
You said thanks for the good night message I sent you yesterday
You also said I have a manly face which you like
You told me about the bikini you sold
You said sorry when you took too long to answer
But everything changed when I said I was going to the beach
Shit
Even before
When I went and took a bath because it's so fucking hot
In my mind I think you think that I'm taking a bath so I can go out on some sort of date
Why else would you become upset at that?
I can't tell you I have cut my hair and trimmed my beard
You'll think it's for other girls
When in fact, I did it when we were not talking
And I needed a shave and a haircut
Can you understand what I go through?
I know how you think
I'll tell you that
And you'll just
"Doesn't matter anymore"
Why?
Because we're no longer together
You like to remind me of that
When things get real
So, I can't tell you simple shit like this
I go and take a bath outside
Like in the Affair, the show
Remember?
We watched that show together and we loved it
I go and do that
And you're suddenly a different person
I tell you I'm going to the beach
With my brother
And no one else
And you barely talk to me the rest of the day
I can't understand it
Well, I can
But I can't
Because it's like you want me
But you don't to admit it
So you just get mad
Because you don't want to admit you're wrong
Or you're doing the wrong thing about us
Or you're just so convinced that being apart is the best for both of us
That you simply don't know how to react when I do things differently
Shit
You're the one who's different
Not me
I'm coping
And adapting
It will be august soon
I already said you have vacation days
I really think
If we don't see each other sometime in the next month
Things will be over for real
I hope I'm wrong
I really do
I want to make things right
But I'm not an idiot
Will you be alone when you go down south?
You didn't say
You surely didn't invite me
I'm 99% certain it's not another guy
I asked you already and you had no reason to lie
Especially after I gave you an way out
Will you stay a whole week alone in August in the summer time?
I don't think so
You'll plan something
With someone
And I'll have to accept it
Accept everything
It will be almost half a year since we last saw each other
I don't know if I can do it
All I do is worry
And cry
And put on a happy face for you
I'm no victim here
You're not promising anything
But there's a proper way to do things
I really think next month will decide everything
I hope you'll love me still
Like I do
I just want to be okay.
Everything was set to be a shitty day
I knew you were mad at me
Going to the beach
I can only imagine why
Since it only came up after we argued
I asked you a question
Didn't mean to start a fight
But we did
I asked something that was on my mind
You took offense
Rightfully so, I might add
But it's just where a guy's mind goes
When his girlfriend leaves him
I didn't accuse you of anything
Just asked
If something was up
We ended up talking for hours
You said there was nothing
I explained why I asked
Then we started to talk about
Other things
Things that happened so long ago
Thins we did
and said
To each other
It felt good to put it all out there
We ended up on a good note
We even played a version of dictionary all the afternoon
And watched Netflix in the evening
Nothing changed
Not really
You made a point
Of saying
That we're really over
That I should move on with my life
That you were with nobody because you simply didn't want to be with anyone
Me included I guess
You said I had nothing to do with it
I disagreed
Because
I gave you an out some days ago
I told you if there was nothing we could do to solve this
We'd be over for real
No contact
No texts
No nothing
I don't know if you ended up agreeing with me
But I do know
It was a positive talk
We both ended up sad
You said when things would begin again
They'd have to be done right
We never had much help, you said
From the universe
I'm not sure I agree with that one
I told you that we should've started 16 years ago
I told you about the message that changed everything
That I would never have sent
If I knew you were about to get married
I had no idea
You didn't tell me
So I asked you
To pick me
To choose me
And you did
I learned about everything else later
It was a shock really
But you called everything off
The truth is it wasn't that simple
But I don't want to go there
I told if I knew about it I wouldn't have sent it
You replied it would've worked anywhere
Anytime
Even married with kids
My heart melt
We talked
Then I said something
You once told me
That no matter where I was or what I would be doing
You could come and pick me up.
We stopped the conversation there
After a few more words
We played all afternoon
Netflix in the evening
It was a normal day for us
From back then
It puts a smile on my face
But I know it won't last
That's fucked up
I'm already scared of tomorrow
We'll talk
I'm sure
But probably not much
Going to be sunny as well
You'll head up to the beach probably
No point being stuck at home
It will be like last weekend
And there's nothing I can do or say
Because we're not together
Even if we were
There'd be nothing wrong with it
It's just
The dismiss of it all, you know?
The feeling I simply don't exist
But today
This friday
I didn't go the train station
I was with you
In a way
We said our good nights
Same as the last few days
Short and dry
The I love you is gone
But that's to be expected
I'm starting to wonder
For real
If this is the best we can do
Or the best I can do
The best for us
I'm a strong believer of no contact
But I'd just miss you
And we tried and you talked to me
I couldn't not answer back
I don't want to be rude
If you talk to me
I'll talk to you
If I see you making an effort
I'll interpret that
As
A sign
Am I being stupid?
Are you just playing me?
Or do you really still love me
And this is the way we have to do things for a while
For everything to be all right?
I don't know
I really don't
I'll never stop loving you
That's about the only thing I do know
I'll never stop wanting you to be well
How come it's so hard for us
The ones in love
To see?
To truly see?
I can look from outside
And say
She's playing me
That I shouldn't be talking to her
She doesn't want me
She doesn't get to talk to me
Know things about me
But
I still care for her
I still want to know things about her
And she tells me
In the good days
It feels like we're back to boyfriend and girlfriend
In the good days
I'm not sure of what will happen tomorrow and after
But this friday
I know
The 17th
Was good
It was a good day for us
You taught me things I didn't know about
You actually paid attention to me
We didn't annoy each other
There was no bullshit small talk just to fill the time
We were 2 best friends again
I want more of course
And If it doesn't happen
I'll accept it
But at least
Today
I can smile for a few seconds
Before fogging up
And I know you felt good as well
So, this 17th
Was good.
We'll see about tomorrow
And sunday
And most importantly
August
August will be the crucial month for us
It will be 6 months almost
Without seeing each other
You have many vacation days
If you're still not sure of what to do by then
I think
I'll have to make that decision
Even if we're to be together in the future
Sometimes you just have to let things go
Especially things you love
Let them flourish
Let them realize their full potential
Be happy for them
And smile
For a few seconds.
A little morning update
You didn't care much for the 2nd good night I always send
I guess that's okay
We started out fine
You were in a good mood
And suggested finishing our series
You cracked some jokes
We laughed
It was good
Now
Halfway through the show
You start to get mad and annoyed
You ignored our "sign"
'11.11' because we started dating on the 11th
I guess that's okay as well
We're not together anymore
But you got so angry
And mad
By being on the cellphone
Because
It hurts your hands
You don't have the patience for series anymore
Now you remember why you stopped watching Netflix
You apologized and left
Needless to say
We built our relationship over texting
Since we were always so far apart
We had many dates over the years where we'd just watch movies
And make fun of them
Shit
We watched 5 episodes of this one before you got mad and annoyed
What's this?
I'm so pathetic I'm blaming it on your phone being too big
You have small hands
And that iPhone is a monstrous thing
Your old phone was more ergonomic
Easier to text
That's what I'm saying to myself
You understand
How stupid I sound?
You don't want to text
Or talk anymore
Because your fucking phone is too big
And your hands too small
I don't consider myself dumb at all
But shit
I am dumb
What the fuck is this
What are we doing
What the fuck am I doing
What am I expecting
I want to go away
fuck
Maybe you'll start to miss me
If you know I really mean it
But I can't
I just
Can't
I don't want to remember these things
But I'm typing them
I guess sooner or later
We'll both have to face the music
It's really over
I know you've been trying
Yesterday was proof of that
But nothing seems to help
And every step forward we take
It doesn't take long
For us to find ourselves 5 steps behind
I could say I'm sorry again
But
I know it's not my fault
It has not been my fault for some time now
Regardless of everything
I don't talk to anyone about this
Because I know what they'll say
They'll hate you
they'll say you're playing with me
That I should just put a real end to this charade
I know all of it
That's why I don't tell
Because I know the answers
Why can't give those answers to myself?
Easy
Because I love you
And I love everything about you
And I still hope
Hope
That's a good name to describe me
It's all I do
Hope
Hope
Hope
I'm losing myself
Love isn't lost
or found
It isn't random
Something so powerful couldn't be
It's just
There
In its space
Waiting for one to keep his eyes opened
And the other to open hers
It's a beautiful kind of sadness really
One has to love and not be loved back
The other is loved without knowing or caring for it
Both miss what is
What could've been
What will be
It's tragic
It's a noose
Something in your stomach
Heart
And eyes
It overwhelms to the point
You can't take it anymore
It can destroy you
And it will
Every second
The Angel
Towers over you
The gods are keeping her this time
They answered
Go join them
Get your wings
And fly
Fly
Fly
Away from here
'Your time is done'
They say
One more second passes
And one more
And one more
You'll run out like this
But you won't care
Will you?
There's something about
Being touched by the light
You won't care for anything else
Why should you
Why would you
You had that one second
And you missed it
The Angel is gone
I still want to be happy
That feeling we shared
I want that
It feels so far off in the distance now
But I'll never lie
I want it
Right here
Close to me
I can't imagine what you're going through
I really can't
Because I don't know what it's like
I can only talk about me
Every day has become a gamble of sorts
I knew today would be bad
Because yesterday it was too good
It felt too much
Like ourselves
I'm not having the best of thoughts
Not about you
About me
If it's all worth it
If I lost you
What's the point, right?
There's this voice in the back of my head
Hammering in
You're worthless
You're nothing
You fucked up so bad not even HER wants you anymore
What a fucking idiot
Just do it already
You won't ever be happy again
Not going to happen
Not without her
And she's gone, buddy
She might say it's not forever
But you know what that means
You know
What you'll be going through the rest of your life
A repeat of the last 16 years
Times one hundred thousand
Because now you know what it tastes like
That love you always yearned
You know it
You can feel the remnants of it
And they break you
They destroy what's left of you
Worst of all, you fucking piece of shit
In this love of yours
This would be something you'd be sharing with her right now
But you can't
You can't
And you want to know why?
Because she won't care
And if she did
It would be out of pity alone
Not out of love
You're alone now
You'll forever be alone
I showed you how to do it
Find a good place
Say your goodbyes
And do it
It'll go away
All of it
You won't be a fucking idiot anymore
Or a piece of trash
Worthless who can't even do anything right
You'll probably fuck it up the first time as well
Will you ever tell her how many times you tried?
I hope you won't
She'll never be with you
There's no love anymore
Only pity
Is that what you want?
Pity from her?
But I still believe
I can make it
Through
It's not her fault
or anyone else's
It's just how I'm wired
How everything happened
You're right
I fucked up so much not even her wants me
I truly am alone
But I want to believe
This duality of feelings
Of voices in your head
Almost seems like a double personality type of thing
In a way, I guess it is
You have one voice telling you
'Here, it's that easy'
And the other saying
'It's not easy, but it will get better'
And you don't believe in either
I want to help her
Make everything okay
I think you're doing the best you can or know
You can't force your way into someone's feelings
You love her, right?
More than life
Would it make her sad?
If you disappeared
Would it help her in any way?
I don't think so.
I don't know what she'd feel.
Then why would you do it.
The source of your pain is the lack of love she offered you
The warmth she gave you
The validation
The attention
Feeling worthy
Sharing a life
It's not her exactly
It's just what she gave you
And I fucked it all up.
Maybe you did
Maybe it's all your fault
Although I very much doubt that
But what if it is?
Don't you want her to be happy?
A smile on her face no matter what?
I'd give my life for that
That's why...
See, you piece of crap
That's the logic conclusion
She'll be happier when you're gone
No more lingering feelings
No more guilt over having to love you
Or whatever she thinks happened
The illusion is gone
And destroyed
She adored you
And you fucked it up
I
I...
It's not that simple, you know?
Death is very much permanent
Like your love for her will always be
Even if it's not mutual
It's there
And it's beautiful
You're capable of it
What's the point of love someone who doesn't love you back?
Love is selfless.
I don't know what to do
The days aren't easy
Or becoming easier
THey're harder and harder
Every day it's like I've discovered a new type of sadness
Because it isn't always the same
It's always different
All 3 of us are you
You know what to do
You're talking to yourself
About yourself
Because it's easier to put in dialogue
Endure
Life isn't always easy
Mine felt like it never was
Maybe it'll become easier
In time
I want to believe that
So, I'm here wondering
We're talking
That small talk that we both hate
But it's better than nothing
And ignoring each other
But I'm here wondering
Really
What future do we have?
Will you come to me?
WIll I go to you?
Would that work?
Will you want me there with you even?
For a time you did
In the beginning
I always thought it was too soon
And it was
You don't move in with you girlfriend and have babies in the first months
Even if we knew each other 15 years prior
But what of now?
You want out of your job
You basically will go anywhere
Just as I would
What if you end up
1000km away?
What then?
Will you make the effort?
Or
Will that be one more reason for you list
To stay apart
Even my decision
I'm split
I can go there
Close to you
But
We're not together
It'd be a gamble
Maybe I could get a better job
But that's no guarantee
That was the plan
Wasn't it?
After my master's we'd figure it out
Where I would go
I could go and take my Phd lessons 1 or 2hours away because it was only 1 day per week
And the rest I was with you
Working wherever
It would work
But what if you move out of the country?
You're desperate to leave that job
And I'm not seeing you planning
For the "us" part
I'm not being unfair
You do what you have to do
I just wanted to know
You'd be willing to work it out
Finally start our life together
I'm not rich
It wouldn't be a luxury life
Except for you and your paycheck
But I would have none of it
That's all yours
I'd just live with you
Pay half the rend and bills and groceries
Have kids and be happy
No matter if I was at a supermarket
Or giving classes in a nearby university
I wouldn't care
I don't care
I just wanted to be with you
I want to plan things with you in mind
I want to decide things with us in mind
But here I am
Knowing nothing
Having to decide as if I was to be alone
For the rest of my life
Without you
For the rest of my life
And it breaks my heart
It does
I'm 32
You're the love of my life
I can't promise that life you had before
Even if I do get a good job
You did things I'd never dream of doing
Multiple trips per year
Paying thousands of dollars
For bags
Cellphones
Whatever
I can't promise that
I can promise to love you every day for the rest of my life
And working hard
To make you smile
And try and make things easier
I can promise I'll try to do the best I can
So you can even quit that job you hate
And do whatever you want to do
Without worries
But that's not now
That will take a bit of time
I want it
I want it badly
But now it seems
That's not what you want
Or need
And I'm left here wondering
Overthinking
Overanxious
Every time the phone vibrates
I'm afraid to read the message
I tremble
It will either be you mad or not caring
Or you'll be normal and sweet and loving
I think you'd say "that's how I felt for an entire year"
Fair enough
I can't remember every single day
But I know
I never broke things off "for good"
I always apologized and tried to work things out
I fixed many issues
Even if others remained
I never tried not seeing for half an year
I never said I don't want to be with you
Not like this
This is another level of not being able to care
Or love the other person
I know you're trying your best
And I know you don't forget things
And you have resentments from things over 2 years ago
That should've been long forgotten
Maybe we shouldn't have fixed things in our first big fight
That I don't even know what it was about
Most people would see that as a red flag
Maybe
I don't know
But I always knew I loved you
I got mad
But it went away
Always
I made you suffer sometimes
Without need
Without knowing even
Never on purpose
Shit
I think I'm off topic now
I don't know what the future holds
Both for me individually
And for us as a couple
And that scares me
It scares me to death
I can't sleep thinking about it
I'm still going through diazepam like it's candy
I can't keep calm
You ask how I am
And I can't say I'm feeling like shit
Don't want to add that to your day
You have enough to worry about
I'd like to though
Solve everything you say we need to solve
But "it's not the right time"
Wonder when it will be
I'm scared
I'm truly scared
Of doing everything wrong again
I wanted your guidance
Our plan again
Your hand
Holding mine
I'm that little boy again
Lost
Confused
Unknowingly walking around
Crying for someone to find him
I'm that boy
And I need you
I do
I need you so bad
I need you to say everything will be all right
If you do this, we can do that
If you do that, we can do this
I want to know I'm not making any mistake
That you'll be with me
Even if I am
Because it seems I have a talent for it
Mistakes that is
I miss the I love you as well
I miss saying you're my girlfriend
I miss saying I miss you
I miss everything
Everything
That I miss about you
Are the things that I can't find in me anymore
And I'm afraid
Of
What's left of me to give after all this
Won't be...
Enough
There's a reason I was like I was in the beginning
I put up walls higher than the tallest mountain
I didn't want to get hurt again
Well, fucking look at me now
What I did to prevent it
Helped caused it.
What a fucking joke really
You're here
But you're not really here
We talk to each other
And as soon as anything meaningful comes up
You dismiss it
You sent me a picture
It was sweet
A couple
I replied
Not too eager
I was sweet as well
I sent another picture back
One I had saved up
For some time now
But couldn't send at the time because all of this
You made a joke about it
I had to say it was meant to you
You barely acknowledged it
I have many more
I want to send everything
And say everything
But why?
You'll just remember me
Again
That we're not together
It hurts
I'm keeping all of this to myself
It keeps adding up
Reminds of before
When none of us had the courage to admit how we felt
Now it's the opposite
Now we're too scared to admit it
Or if we do
Nothing changes
Because...
Well, you tell me.
Everything is just hard
One step forward
Two steps back
It really feels like I'm only here to cushion some of the damage
Until you can get on with your life
Mornings are hard
They're a gamble
Random
In the evening it seems you can't get away fast enough
During the day...
There are times
Not many
It really feels like we're just friends
I don't do friendzone
Can't do it
Won't do it
I won't be the one who will help you find someone
Else
It sucks
And I can't get away
Because I always miss you
Always
Always
But I feel so small
Like a little ant
Ready to be crushed
At any moment.
I find myself imagining
A perfect life
That of a fool dreams of
Try as I might
I can't
I can't get past today
And today
I hate it
Another nothing day
Day of nothing
You have no idea
Or if you do
You don't care
Or can't
We've been through this
I certainly won't tell you
But who can I tell?
Today I walked around the woods
I picked my own tree
I sat in its shadow
I shared my woes with it
It said nothing back
On the account of being a tree, you see
Only the wind howling
And leafs falling
Suddenly I'm not alone anymore
It's just me.
Couldn't sleep tonight
Talked in the morning
Said I couldn't do this no more
I can't just be friends
You agreed
We talked for hours after that
I don't know if this is the right choice
But I couldn't do it anymore
I love you
And I need you
I don't want to feel 2nd best, 3rd best, 4th best.
I want to feel like you love me
Argue all you want
Of all the shit I did
I'll be the first to apologize
But we're not that broken
To justify this
Bent, maybe.
Remember?
Never ever broken
I didn't want to ruin your day
You already got plans and everything
So, I think you'll be all right
At least better than me
That's fine by me
I wouldn't want anyone in my shoes
Especially not you
But
Can't ask for what isn't there
And every single morning without our "Good morning<3"
Every single night without our "Good night. I love you<3"
Or something like that
"You're the love of my life, never forget that. Sleep well. I love you<3"
I may sound lame
But
Nowadays it's just "Little kiss. Good night"
We wake up and it feels like a chore for you to answer
You said you also felt bad at times
That you understood
Respected
That you knew it had to come to this
It didn't have to
But
It has to be
At least I'll leave the relationship with some dignity
I just hope you'll remember me fondly
And not like a bad boyfriend
Many things didn't help us
The universe always tore us apart
And now that we seemed to be ready
Almost there
Everything happens
Everything is doubts
And fears
And anxieties
And a "thousand reasons" not to be in this relationship
I'll hold on to your last I love you
Forever
In my heart
I'll save it
Nurture it
Never forget it
Even with all the arguments
I loved these 2 years with you
I'll always be yours
In a way or another
Come and get me
Anywhere
Anytime.
It's a rainy day
Thunderous claps threaten
Our souls
All I can think of is how good
It feels
The rain on my face
Hiding my watery eyes
I'm writing this with pain in my fingers
Not from typing too much
But the words that come out
Physically hurt
How come true love didn't win in the end?
Because I believe it is true love
You won't ever believe me
These words that are not spoken
Written
Said
Read
They're all I have now
I do try to react
But I'm not like you
I'm a depressed anxious mess
You made me feel better
You were there through the worst of it
You suffered the worst of it
My outbursts
My episodes
I was so sorry
I am so sorry
Now it all came back
To haunt us
Every little detail that you can't forget
Every time I didn't care as much
Every time I was feeling down
Every time I did something
And you misinterpreted
Shit
Social media was half our problems
And for what?
Nothing
Stupid shit
Such stupid shit
I lost so much
Probably deserved it
But I wanted it back
I want to feel like I belong
I said it before
I want to feel like I matter to you
Like I'm the first person you can turn to
You said "You're not the right person" to tell some things
It hurt
It implies you hide things from me
Not that everyone doesn't have secrets
But this was important business
And I was left out
Excluded
In one day
One phone call
And your life changed
And mine with yours
I'd never imagined I'd be the first to go
I didn't react well
It was like going backward
And you refused any of my help
Little as it could be
I would try
I will try
Well, I guess now
Not anymore
But I would
I would give anything to make you smile
Shit
I miss you
I miss your smell on my clothes
I miss finding strands of your hair on my bed
I miss the excitement
The love
I miss it all
You were the only one who could truly understand me
My joys
My goals
My ambitions
My pain
My suffering
But you misunderstood it
You always thought it was related to other things
That I won't mention
So, I had to stop sharing my bad days
My episodes
My panic attacks
My anxiety
What was the result?
Bad days
Where I could be rude to you
Or a bit distant
Days that you'll remember forever
And are foggy in my memory
You were the only one who could truly see me
As I was
As I am
We're soulmates
I know that much
I always thought love was enough
For anything
And the love I feel for you
It could create universes
Wish you could see it
But maybe you just don't care that much
Someone with a heartbreak doesn't do the things you do
Maybe I'm assuming too much
I believe you when you said you'll love me forever
But I think you got over this relationship a long time ago
Now, here we are
I want to write beautiful things
Things that make you smile
Little poems at night
For a good morning
And I can't
I'm restricted to this
Wonder if I'll ever make this public
Wonder if you'll ever read it
If anyone would read it
It's too long
Just a diary of sorts
I'll write as long as I can
I'll try to write happy things as well
Like all the times we couldn't take the eyes off each other
The first time we kissed
The first time we slept together
Back in march
If I knew I'd never see you again
I wouldn't have let you go
For real
I would make it work somehow
I'd convince you
I still can't believe that was the last time
It's not fair
It's not fair
It's not fair
It's not fair
I didn't know
I didn't know
We're supposed to be more than this
We were magic
We inspired others
Ours was a true love story
Fuck
Here I am again
Assuming you're feeling a fraction of what I'm feeling
You're so over this
It actually amazes me
I'm also a little proud
Now, all I can do
Is survive
In a world without you
Good luck to me.
Waking up to a morning
Where the sun shines
But I can't see it
In the distance, I can make out
The tree
Its shadow
Calling for me.
It's July 22
And I'm not all right
It's for the best I keep telling myself
But the best feels like the worst.
And the worst is living hell.
Often I find myself
Imagining your smile
Remember the wishes we made
In that historical place
I'd give anything to be there again
I don't know what to say anymore
Except
That all of this is slowly killing me
I feel it
I really do
I decided I'm stopping all medication
I don't care if I don't sleep
The side effects are bullshit
I'll probably get worse
But I just don't care
Anymore
I deserve this pain
The pain
And despair that will greet me
I deserve all of it
Then I remember your smile
Your jokes
How you made me laugh
I miss it so much
And it's only been a day
I can't imagine weeks
Months
Years
Of this
It won't happen
One way or the other
I'm tired of suffering
I'm tired of being misunderstood
I'm tired of being how I am
We should be more than our relationships
Right?
Not me
My value was validated by you
Because
You were always there
My best and oldest friend
Finally being able to call you my girlfriend.
Always calling on my bullshit
And encouraging me when I needed
All of that stopped
Even while we were dating
That interest you had in me
In my things
I could never quite understand why it did stop
You said it was because of too much work
But I suspect it's just another thing
That made you mad
And you took it away from us
You used to read all my papers
Proofread them
Detecting little mistakes
I'd ask you if it made sense
My logic, that is
You'd answer
You'd help
All of that stopped
Was it really just work?
Or some resentment you held?
I can't tell anymore
Every time we talk about things
There's always something new
That I can barely remember
That I said or did
Even though you also said too many things
That shouldn't be said ever
My stomach turns
Imagining you saying "I do"
Kissing him
But I won't go there
You deserve better
It was just for context
I forgave you
We loved each other
That's what matters, right?
That's what I believe
Even now
I'll never stop believing it
If you're true
If you love me
We'll find a way
That's just how it is
If we don't
It's because it wasn't true
And I know
It won't be because of me
I'll try not to cry anymore
Over this
Over you
But it's fucking hard
It's so fucking hard
We could be together
We are hugging
Kissing
Laughing
Making fun of everyone else
Making fun of each other
Making plans
Strolling on the beach
Shit
Now I got myself feeling even worse
Couldn't sleep
I didn't take the medication
Is it fucked up?
I want to feel worse.
Because if I feel worse
I'll have more courage?
I keep saying
It's not fair
Not fair
Not fair
But who can judge that
I just stare at my phone
20 hours per day
Knowing you'll never come
I do nothing
Go to bed
Go to my desk
Write something here
Stare at the silence
Wishing I was somebody else
Wishing
Imagining a life
That will never be mine
Void
My heart is racing
I won't take the diazepam
I'm having a panic attack
But I won't take it
Hope it kills me
My heart just gives in
No one can blame for that
Weak of heart
Cause of death
General unwillingness to exist
I feel things though
It's not like I'm emotionless
Wish I was
I'm just feeling all the wrong things
Guilt most of all
The guilt of things in the past (what could I have done?=
The guilt of the present (could I be doing something different?)
The guilt of the future (what should I do?)
Remorse
Guess that's related to guilt
Despair
Sense of overwhelming weight
The feeling that nothing will be all right
I won't ever be happy again
You know
All the good old feelings
I could numb myself
Watch the days go by
Stuck in time
Again
Waiting for you to love me.
Hello there
The angel from my nightmare
16 years.
What can I say about a broken heart that hasn't been said before?
Everything.
Everything aches
I lied
I couldn't do it
I had to take it
5mg
I was on 10 before
I don't drink or anything
So, I'm not at risk
Of anything in particular
I don't engage in many self-destructive behaviors
Except for self-isolation
I just...
Can't.
At least no yet.
I had five minutes of goodwill
Asked my brother to go out to a beach
Changed my mind not long after
I just ended up on my room
All day
I go to the gym and I read
Wait for news about some jobs
Obsess over my phone to check on you
You're living your life
Why shouldn't I?
The answer is quite simple
I just can't
I'm mentally and physically unable to function.
I don't care if this isn't healthy or whatever the fuck
People like to call relationships that breakup
And one doesn't react well
"oh, that's codependency, not real love. You should have your own life."
Stfu, bitch
I have my own life
S. was just a big part of it
A huge part of it
Probably all.
No one can love this much and just be happy and smiles
No one
If you can
You didn't love, not really
Or you're a psychopath
Which says you didn't truly love.
I'll admit it
I'm full stalker mode
On Whatsapp only
You know how it is
I open your window
Say I love you
And close it
Is that healthy?
For a relationship that is over
Am I even trying to move on?
Probably not
I don't want to
I want you
Still
I'll always want you
I wear the invisibobble every day
It serves as the symbol of what we had
You were supposed to give me a new one
Back in march
This one is too loose
But I'm taking good care of it
I hope it'll never break
Only bend
Never
Ever
Break.
I couldn't take it
My heart was popping
My head exploding
I was twitching and snarling in my bed
I couldn't take it
I had to
I'm not ashamed
Meds work
They exist for a reason
I wanted to stop everything
To feel worse
To feel this pain whole
This love deserves that
This loss isn't something to be covered it
Only cowards hide from something like this
Bukowski said
It has been a beautiful fight. Still is.
I don't know what he was referring to
But you and I, S.
We were beautiful.
Saw you typing twice yesterday
You ended up saying nothing
I thought that
It mustn't be that important
If it was
You'd call
Not text
If you'd miss and wanted to work things out
You'd call
Not text
Maybe you were asking if you could call
But that's wishful thinking
I'm starting work next Monday
And I can't even tell you about it
It's a summer job and I'm not sure about salary/conditions
But it's in research
All I want is to call you and tell you
Share this
But I can't
I'll be breaking what we agreed
And it would just be another reason
For you to justify what you think is the higher moral position
"You're better off without me"
I hate when you say that
"You're going so well. Everything is great for you. You need me."
I don't even know what to think about that
Is that something you say when you don't like someone anymore?
"It's me, not you"?
Are you just so broken and damaged that you can't even see
That someone who loses what we had
Would NEVER be all right?
I could earn a billion dollars today
I'd give it all away
To be with you
A love and a hut, that's an expression we use
Maybe I shouldn't have tried to have a better future
So we could live better in the long term
It ruined everything
I could've moved in with you
Right away
I'd work wherever
We'd have a kid already
Everything would be all right
But nope
I wanted to improve myself
To try and have a better life
So I'd be worthy
And you'd be proud of me
Now
Look at us
Look at me
I don't know how you are
I suppose you're doing just fine
5 months now
Almost half a year we haven't seen each other
It kills me
Doesn't it bother you?
Not even a little a bit?
Don't you fucking miss my touch?
Seeing me?
Kissing me?
Don't you miss anything at all?
5 months
I know we only officially broke up
Recently
But I also know we had plans to see each other
And a stupid argument ruined it
And you didn't try to fix things
And I didn't try because it was so stupid
I couldn't believe you actually broke up with me over it
And that it'd serve almost as an excuse for you not to come
Every time I look back
I'd change that day
I know it
I know it deeply
You were supposed to stay almost an entire week
We would be so happy
You would forget about all the worries
Everything would be fine
You'd remember how we are
How we really are
Not this long-distance text thing
That would've been only 3 months without seeing each other
1 was due to the pandemic, so that doesn't really count
Still, all accounted for
Almost half a year
It kills me
Really
It kills me
Missing you like this
We're 3h away
I could go out
Enter my car
And we could have lunch together
That's how easy it is
Instead
It's like we don't exist in each other's world anymore
Yes
I know
We said the last I love you
I love you forever
You even said it wouldn't be the last time
I want to believe in that
But I don't want to live
One second
Without you
You know?
We're not immortal
We're wasting time
On things, we both know and feel
Do you know we'll end up together no matter what?
Did you mean it when you said you'll love me forever?
If so, this is just...
Wasting seconds
Wasting moments
We already lost 15 years
With stupid bullshit
I don't want to lose another 15
Not even seconds
I think I sound desperate
That's because I kinda am
I don't feel old
Or anything
But now that I know what life is with you
I can't go back
I don't want to
Aw
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
There's nothing I can really do, right?
I mean
I tried
I try
You know how I feel
You know what I want
I'll just have to convince myself
Of how you feel
Of what you want
And that
Unfortunately
Doesn't seem to include me.
It's Friday today
Don't think I'll go to the train station again
Waiting for that movie moment
That will never happen
Oh, it happened
Many times over
Imagining you
Walking those steps toward me
Is
Its own kind of reality.
You're everything I feel.
Oh,
Why do I miss you so
How can you be here
When you're gone
There are 5 stages to it, right?
Denial is long past
Anger as well
Bargaining?
I tried
Depression
That's it
I'm there
Almost forgot it existed
So funny
Why do I miss you so
Because I do
I do
I do
Love
You
Acceptance is the next
Why would I accept that reality
I could just as easily create my own
Look
I just got home from work
We gathered some promising data
Classes went well
You're there in the sofa
A glass of wine in your hand, red
Another ready for me, white.
You say hi and invite me over
I sit and I sip just a little bit
It's fresh and sweet
You always knew how to choose a good wine
I kiss you
On the lips
They're wet
But it don't matter
I put my arm around you
You cuddle into my chest
I ask how was your day
How was work
You reply that you're tired of meetings
But you worked well
Your boss is still annoying
But we're past the point of caring
I say you could quit
In this reality, I do have a good job
We can just have all the babies you want
And you can do whatever you want
You're always tempted to do it
But you don't want to depend on me
I understand that
Then I say you need to be happy
And I'll never leave and always love you
We're a team, remember?
You'll think about it
Always hardheaded when it came to decisions
I kiss you again
Now, a little more intention on it
We put the glasses down
And we love each other
One, two, three
I'm not here to brag, this is just how I am in this reality
We're exhausted
We drink some water to hydrate
You say you have a good feeling that it was today
F. is on its way
It's about time
After that it would L.
Or vice-versa
We cuddle for hours
Talking
In silence
Laughing
Making fun of stupid people on tv
Then I ask if you're hungry
Today is takeaway day
You're on a diet, but you don't care
Just today you say
Probably a pizza
I look at you eating it
A string of cheese is making its way to your chest
I laugh
We drink some more wine
God, it feels good
I say I love you
You say it back
We're still the same kids as were back then
Under the stars
I was always jealous of your blonde hair
Pretty soon it's time for bed
We hold hands
The volume on the tv is down to a minimum
You don't like it very loud
I need to feed the dog
You take care of the cat
We get up and I just
Hug you
As hard as I can
Because I will remember
These days
And how easy things can fall apart
I don't say anything
But I promise to never let that happen again
You hug me back
It's warm and sweet
I could be stuck in this moment forever
We should take a shower
But we're both too lazy today for it
All the petty chores done
We go to bed
We fool around
I still can't believe how lucky I am
How beautiful and smart you are
How could ever have chosen me?
Doesn't matter
This is my reality, I do what I want
We lie in the bed
Lights off
You always fall asleep first in my chest
You're close to my heart now
I whisper an I love you
Looking forward to tomorrow
Did I miss something?
Maybe some details
That was my day today
In my head
One of many days
There are others
Many variations
They all differ
But everything they have in common is
They're not what today really is
Or was.
It's Friday and I didn't go to the train station.
So
Here I am lying in my bed
I shape the covers
In such a way
I can hug them
I pretend it's you
How silly is that?
But it comforts me.
Reminds me
Of things
Those things
The good things
I'm afraid to fall asleep
And dream of you
Mornings are hard enough
Harder still
When I'm with you
In my world
Letting you go
For such an arbitrary reason as
Waking up
Isn't fair
I'd sleep an endless sleep
If you were there
I dreamt of you with another man
That was...
Hard.
Rather not see that again
But dreams are the only way to reach you
And I'm afraid to enter them
Because I know they'll eventually
Be over
You along with them
Another 20 hour day
Of staring into the silence
Looking for you everywhere
Redoing everything
Rethinking everything
Creating alternate worlds
Where we laugh together
Because in this one we're not together
I create so many of them
I remember them all
For now at least
One we're together since under the stars
Other we're happy living in a foreign country
In one we have 5 children that drives us mad
But you still love me
Already told you the one from today
Tomorrow will be more
No doubt
In Every single one
We're just happy
I leave out all the mistakes
And dumb arguments we had
Not that they didn't exist there
They just don't matter
We achieve
What others can only dream of
I'm day dreaming of course
I just don't want to fall asleep
And lose you again
When I wake up
Is all
It never gets easier
I'm sorry
If I could I would
Merge all of them
All the worlds
All the lives
EveryThing I conjured
Here
In this one
Happily ever after
Like in the stories
This is a never ending poem after all
It must tell a story
Although not a happy one
It is happy at times
Remember
Remember
We were walking on the boardwalk
Mr Brightside started playing ?
Remember remember
The Chinese restaurant
Remember remember
The episode we had to start a million times
Remember remember
Making fun of no-blinking Mark of love is blind
Remember remember
All the walks
Remember remember
All the high fives
Remember remember
Remember.
I'm going to meet you now
For some hours at least
Mornings are hard.
As I predicted
I had you in my dreams
We were together
Happy
Everything was all right
I curse the morning
For waking me
I forced myself to sleep
Try and find you again
It didn't work
Another day until I can see you
It's harder than it sounds
Waiting
Waiting
The worst is
It's not even the real you
It's just my brain
Making things up
But shit
It feels so good
I see you there
I hear you there
I remember it always
I don't forget
They've not been those that you do forget
Blame it on how I feel
But I wake up and it's like I was just right there with you
Laughing
Talking
And suddenly you're gone
Not even a chance to say goodbye
Mornings are hard
I hope you're well
Miss you.
For how long have I been writing this?
1 month?
It feels like nothing will ever get better or easier
I know what everyone says
It will
It will get easier
I just don't see it
I know it won't be today
I know it won't be tomorrow
I know it won't be next week
Month
Even year
Who can recover from the love of his life?
I start this paid summer program monday
It's 3 months and I don't even know
How much I will get exactly
If I'll like it
If it's the right choice
I mean
August is gone for me
But it was already gone when you were
I wanted to wait until your vacation to have that talk
My reasoning was
You have some vacation days now in August
Will you invite me for something?
Go down south with you maybe?
Try to do something together?
Should I wait in hope for that?
You mentioned your parents will be gone all month
Would you invite me over for a weekend?
I wanted to wait
I really did
But I couldn't handle it
Being treated as a friend
Fueling false hopes
Maybe you were thinking about it
But you didn't tell me
So, I'll just have to assume you weren't
Your vacation is your vacation
You deserve to rest
But I wouldn't mind spending a weekend there with you
You wouldn't have to do anything really
It's just
That hope
Was eating me inside
Every day that went by
Without yet any sort of plan
5 months, S.
It's been 5 months.
I know the pandemic and all
And we're broken up
But we could solve things, right?
Fuck
I was being selfish
I was just hoping
Like
Thinking "If August doesn't work out"
There's really nothing to do
But I couldn't handle it anymore
I had to break it off
For real
It's been the hardest thing
Well, it's not fair it was me
Since we'd still be together if it were up to me
But whatever
I broke off all contact
That's fair to say, right?
We broke up, but kept talking while you didn't want to get back together
That was doing things to my head I can't even start to explain
Even now
That we don't talk
It just spins
Spins
Spins
It's on an endless loop of
"What if?"
"What if?"
"What if?"
"What if?"
It just doesn't stop
Knowing nothing will be all right soon
Doesn't help
I mean
It's like what you said
The problems won't suddenly go away
Sure, you'll have some time soon
But that time doesn't belong to me
It's yours
You need it for yourself
I think I'd just get angry
If I knew you would be spending it with someone else
And not me
So, now
I'll simply will not know
I'll assume you won't spend almost a week alone
You'll make many plans
It's summer after all
But I won't know anything
I'll be working anyway
Am I making sense?
I don't want to be angry or get mad at things
That I think I deserve you should do for me
That I still think you should've done
Despite all
It's just
Saudades
The pain of not seeing you
You going on with your life
Like I was not your boyfriend
Or part of it
Wouldn't you feel the same?
If I did everything else with everyone else
Except you?
Because...
Shit, I can't even name the reasons
It's too hard to plan something with me?
It takes too long
The whole process is long
Not worth it
You want your weekends for yourself
Shit
I can understand all of that
But as I said many times before
At some point
In these many months
I think
It's worth it
I was counting on it for August
But
I realized I had no right
You were very clear
I gues what I'm trying to say is
I'm not seeing any of this
Getting easier
I was already depressed
Almost recovered
The anxiety never really got away
Now, it's all back
With a vengeance
I'm not blaming you
This is not your fault
Feelings can't be faked
Or forced
There's nothing worse than being forced to do what you don't want to do
Which is
What your friends make you do
And you concede most of the times
It was just easier with me
Because I understood
I understand what it is
What you're going through
But
I loved you
I love you
We could work something out
Make things as comfortable as possible for you
I'd go there
Book an hotel for 2 nights
It'd be kind of expensive
But 5 months
Almost half a year
It wouldn't even amount to €100
You know?
It's nothing
In the grand scheme of things
To see you
It could even be one night only
If we couldn't work things out
yet again
We could've done it before we actually broke up
Maybe you'd remember
How it's like
There's still no doubt in my mind
That all we need is to see each other
I won't do that to you
I could
"I'm going there, lets talk"
You'd just get too anxious
Mad and sad
Even if you saw me
It wouldn't be the same
We'd just argue without any good will
That's how I feel things would go
You like to do things
The right way
At the right time
I understand but don't agree completely
But then I think
Could I solve all of this with a simple 3h drive?
Could I save myself years of suffering
With a trip that I've done a thousand times before?
I think the answer is yes
But I can't be sure
I don't know much anymore
I really think the ball is on your side on this one
Since I told you what I want
What I feel
What I would do
I can't be chasing you
Annoying you
Asking the same shit over and over
I did what I did
To save what little respect you still had for me
But again
I'm assuming so many things
That we'll be together again
THat the love you feel is the same that I feel
That "It won't be the last" you said
It's true
But I don't want it 10 years from now
I wanted it yesterday
Now
Can't rush things
I know
You need your time and space
I wish for many things
For you most of all
I wish we'd be together
I wish some key moments in our lives would've been differently
But I think this one of them
And you chose
Not to be with me
Was everything too late?
If you come and talk to me a year from now
Two years
Will I love you?
Yes
Will I forgive you?
Yes
Will you want me back or just go back to that awkward shit we had going for years
That we both admitted was the worst
No
we won't
If we ever talk again
Unless it's somehow very important and unrelated to us
I'll just say
That I won't be friends with you
I want you whole
Say I'm a selfish asshole
I don't care
I don't settle
I will not settle
Here I am again
Assuming
Dreaming.
Again
Again
Again.
I think you're better now
No pressure
More peace
Right?
Don't have to text
You're free
Although I think
I was the least controlling boyfriend that ever existed
I couldn't really
You're a knock-out
I wouldn't do anything else
If I had to worry you were doing things behind my back
You could
Easily
Anyone would jump at the opportunity to be with you
Even for a moment
But now
You're free
A weight has been lifted
I think I can take some solace in that
That...indeed
You're better like this
In the long run, you'll be happier.
I'll just have to deal with it.
Be happy for you
In our goodbye
We exchanged forevers
Except forever isn't now.
I create my intention
I envision
And I release it
These words are not mine
What lies beyond what's possible
Dreams and nightmares of things to come
Like a little boy reaching for a hand to ease him
Or a drowning ocean crashing waves into rocks
Sometimes it's a sweet melody
Words that we desperately want to hear
Others, a cry
A simple scream
They're all different
Strange isn't it?
That in the world beyond this one
Anything is possible
A thousand voices echo
Resonate with each other
Only for all of them to be silenced
When we open our eyes
Reality is often disappointing
Not my words again
This one is
Has been
Will be for a while
That's why I create them
Each of them true.
We still lie in bed
I'm holding still
Eyes opened
Still wondering and marveling
How and why you chose me
That's real
Even if it isn't
I imagine it so hard
Not even the gods could take it from me
Yet
Not even the hardest of wills
Can't escape
The cold touch
Of the morning.
Will you answer them
These silent cries
I wonder
Do you listen to them?
Do you ever feel them?
I bleed them dry
They heal
And I open them again
Scars cover me
We shouldn't care
I'll never forget
We should never forget
There are scars worth remembering
Hold them close to your heart
I'll never forget
It will heal
And I'll open it again
I'll let it bleed
Drown in it
Screaming
Shouting
For only I know
How much
How long
It'll be never-ending
Very much like this poem
Or text
Or rambling
I'm not sure what this is anymore
I like the title
So I'll let that be
A never-ending poem
For a never-ending pain
Fueled by a never-ending love
That was cruelly twisted by the universe
Or the gods, if you're a believer
A never-ending hope as well
Words do mean something
Since they're all I have for now
It's what I offer to you
To the sun
And the moon
May they find you
So we'll never be apart again.
My One Second Angel.
May you fly free
Find your way
Is all I want
Even if what I ask
Is for you to find your way back to me.
My head keeps spinning
As I start something new
Knowing I'll automatically hate it
I should be happy
I'll know more details tomorrow
But it's possible I'll be making close to 4 digits
Happy, right?
Guess again
It's only doubts
Fears
And self-sabotage
I almost want it to fail
Want me to fail
That's so fucked up
These thoughts
This loop
Doesn't stop
I can't focus
Or do anything else
I'm on repeat
And the song is you
I think can fake it
3 months only anyway
Hopefully plenty of time
To soften this
Shit
That keeps bringing me down
1 hour commute
To do research
Without knowing anything except it's about education
Not even my area of expertise
Will it even go to my resume?
Would you be proud of me if you knew?
I want to tell you
But I won't
I don't talk with my ex-girlfriends
You always doubted that
I guess now I'm proving you right
Sure
I spend all of my time opening Whatsapp in your window
Say Good morning
I love you
Good night
Miss you
All the things I can't really say to you
I do it like that
But
I'll never contact you again
I'll reply
If you talk to me
But I don't chase
What we did was even new to me
Kept talking
Not being exactly friends
But not a couple neither
Not my style
But I did it
I really think I did it my all
For you
For us
That I fought
It's just better this way I suppose
Each day that goes by
Proves it
I'm in so much pain I can barely handle it
You could stop it with some simple words
The fact that you don't
For me
Means
You're not in the same place as I am
Which is awesome for you
And horrible for me
Fair is fair
Feelings can't be faked I already said
But yeah
Each day
Proves us both right
That this is the best course of action
You're doing well
I'll just have to get over it
Like normal people
I know that it won't be easy as well
To talk to me again
Because I won't care about anything but us
I won't engage in small talk
Unless a tragedy occurred
I won't give a fuck
I'll only talk about us
And only because it's you
I still think it's a waste
16 years gone like that
A love like this
Wasted on bullshit arguments
Half the things you say don't sound like you
It's like someone is feeding you those lines
Or fed you those lines
You're smart
Smarter than me
I always trusted you could think for yourself
still do
But all this
Everything that happened
Is too much out of character
I don't really know what to think
Probably all in my head
But hey
If you're willing to risk the love of your life (as you say I am)
Over this
Who am I to stop you
I did try to make things right
neither of us was a monster
To each other
We left on a sweet note
Good terms
I'll just never talk to you again
You'll never know what I'm up to
Unless you ask someone else
I'll never chase
I hope this will prove to you
That I always loved you
From day one
THat I wasn't in love with someone else
You're all I ever wanted
Love of my life
And still
I won't chase you
I won't say anything to you
Ever
It'll be you
And I'll just reply and be courteous
That's who I am
How I am
Sad that you never gave me a real chance
We dated for 2 years
2 years you always doubted me
Shit
I wasn't perfect
But I don't fuck with other people's feelings
Especially yours
I always know what I want
What I feel
There's never doubt in my heart
Never
You were it.
You really were.
Still are.
If you want to be with me or not
I don't know
How much time is the right time
But you know when you love someone
You know when you want to be with someone
You know what you'll do
What you're willing to do
And give up even
For the person you love
So
Each day that goes by
Proves us both right
Which is sad
For me.
Only for me.
That's all for tonight
I have a day to hate tomorrow.
As expected
Today was awful
They gave me a pen
I spent my time fantasizing about
Stabbing it in my neck
Well, that was dark
But what can I say
It's the truth.
Shrug it out
I didn't do it
I'll never do it
It was enough.
Another day to hate tomorrow
Things will never get better
Will they?
How is it
That even this
A good summer job
Bores me to death
And all I can think about is you
Fuck this
Fuck everything
I'm so tired
Shrink tomorrow as well
We'll see how that goes
Another day
Another morning
Another evening
Of dreams that dare to end too soon
But now that I think about it
Would I really want to be stuck inside my own head forever?
Shit
That's more frightening than life itself.
I am not myself lately
I'm distracted
Forgetting important things
Neglecting others
Everything in my head screams
S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S.
S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S.
S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S.
It never stops
It's everything
Every little detail
There you are
One day at a time they say
I'm not expecting anything
But there are only so many ways for these voices to stop
Only one of them is in my control
I wish with all my heart
That all of this
Is
Was
The best for you
It's hell for me
But I'd go through it a thousand times over
To see you smile
I want to say I love you, S.
In another universe we're laughing, right?
We haven't talked in a while
One week now
So, there's not much to report
I guess I'll just keep writing what I feel
Or what I did
Got two replies today for a job interview
One of them is very convenient.
5min away from home
Normal pay
But I won't ever do anything else
Or progress
Unless I save up and leave later
Other is far away
But it's what I studied for
Probably shit pay
But I've always needed the experience
Meanwhile, I'm still at the summer school
Driving 2hours every day
Not really sure how much I'll receive
This would be the kind of advice I'd ask you
Bearing in mind
That I wanted us to be together
Normal pay 5 min away from home is the best money
But 0 career progress and I'll basically be admitting defeat
Of ever trying to do something o myself
Not that an honest job is bad
Especially here
But I still have our plan in mind
Am I being dumb?
I still want you to be proud of me
Chasing my dreams
My ambitions
I could live a quiet life here
But it would be without you
Shit
Why am I talking like we're getting back together?
What's the best option?
Summer school is fine and lets me start on my doctorate
If I get accepted in the city far away, I'll probably won't have time to study
Another offer just appeared
Customer service
Also here
Would that be the best option?
Would I be admitting defeat?
Will we ever be together if I just make my life here?
I know I shouldn't make decisions with you in mind
We broke up
I can do anything I want
But I can't shake this feeling
Of going down the wrong path again
I could really use your help
But I know it isn't coming
More than enough time has passed
For you to make up your mind
Can't hide from the facts forever
It just hurts like a motherfucker
Like I'm being run over by a truck
All the fucking time
Do you miss me?
Fuck
I won't go down this road
I can handle this
You're well
Better off
Happier.
Well, no one can I say
I didn't try
2-hour session with the doctor
I'm not sure what to feel
How to feel even
A very important part of me is missing
I don't know where to find it
How to find it
What to do
I'm still that lost child
Waiting for your hand
Would you?
Got this music in my head
I won't ever be happy again
Gotta find some disbelief to suspend.
Today there's a tiresome in me
I never felt like giving up as much
What keeps me going
I wonder
It's getting slow typing here directly
Too many words I suppose
Will have to start writing externally
Copy paste here
I want to imagine
What would we say to each now
It feels already we're just 2 strangers
Can't even write properly
Nor think
Can't do anything
Not well at least
Everything
Everything
Has lost its flavor
I know what you'll say
It will pass
It will get better
Well, fuck me
I want that now.
No work today
Job interview in the afternoon
My brother is at work
Mom is shopping
I'm all alone
In this big old house
It's morning
Just woke up
Thinking about thinking
Weekend is here
As usual
I have no plans
Not that I'd want them
I'd love to
With you
I want to go to our happy places
But I can't
I'm paralyzed, you see
By fear and anxiety
Getting out of bed is hard enough
Looking at an empty phone
Today is friday
I want to go to the train station
At 5 pm
I want to see everyone come out
And for a few seconds hope to find you there
Among them
I want to
But it's a habit I broke out of
It was doing me no good
Basically waiting for a movie moment
Those don't happen in real life
Not like this anyway
Oh
I dream of it
I do
That one day
I come home
And you'll be here
Waiting for me
One Friday I'll get to see you again
That every
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday
I'll see you
I dream
Let me dream
It's all I have
Dreams
Ruined
By mornings
Let me have them
The dreams
I barely can do anything else.
What do you call laying on your bed all day
Staring at nothing?
That's all I do.
We talked a bit last night
You said you missed me and it has been hard
I said it back
We talked a bit more
We laughed
Things seemed so normal
So good
They almost fooled me
Because now it's a new day
Nothing changed
It seemed you're doing okay
I tried to be kind
But you had too much to drink for dinner
And some other things to help you sleep
Even if you meant it
Nothing changes
Nothing changed
Me hearing your voice?
Hearing you miss me?
Back to square one
Do you still love me?
Do you still want me?
Why can't we be together now?
Why can't talk things through now?
I didn't ask all of that
I just said
Let me try and remember correctly
"This is for the best, isn't it?"
You said yes
"This is what it has to be, right?"
You said yes
I'm so fucking happy we talked
While broken at the same time because nothing changes
Nothing will ever change
I can feel it
I'm broken the whole day
You're doing all right
There's nothing I can do
Can't even move on
All I can think is
If you mean what you say
We'd be together
Making plans
Doing shit
You'd be as broken as me
That's why I had to call it off in the first place
We're not in the same place anymore
You're dealing with your own shit
But you don't consider our relationship a priority
Something you need to care about
It's just something you'll either forget about
Or put on your to-do list
Whenever you feel like it
Don't get me wrong
I'm happy for you
I don't wish my misery on anyone
Especially not you
The person I love
I guess I just wanted us to be happy together
The same place
The same path
Same everything
Distance will take care of everything
But it call comes back
When we talk
And we laugh
And we exchange I miss you
And it's harder for me than it is for you
Right now you're probably getting ready to go out
Hit the beach
Making plans with someone
Me?
I'm here
Bleeding into this blog
Crying my heart out
For I don't know how to reach you
My therapist says you're manipulating me
Even if it's not on purpose
I don't care if that's true or not
Because I still love you
I want you by my side
Just wish we could make things right
Wish I could get past this...
You're okay not being with me for 5 months while still going out and living your life
Wasn't I a part of your life as well?
If you miss me
Like you said
Why
How
Aren't we
Together and planning for tomorrow
Next week
Or the next?
How?
Why?
I don't understand
I don't
I don't
I don't think I'm being selfish
Just
Is that what love is for you?
Or I'm just wrong
Fuck
You probably don't love me anyway
You were just used to having me or something
Got used to not being together
And now this is the normal
Like not talking will be the new normal
Like you finding someone else will be the new normal
I don't believe in irreversible damage
But if this keeps going like this
Meh
I'm assuming you'll want to get back together
Got to stop doing that
We're over
Last night was just alcohol and sleeping pills talking
Nothing else
How many bad days does it take
To start being too much
I have to hold everything in
A million conversations in my head
That we'll never have
A million dates
That we'll never have
No one to talk to
Because
I should
Just
"Get over it"
So
I am
Stuck
With
Myself
When did that go wrong?
At least I was able to stop the WhatsApp stalking
Didn't last long
One week
I think that's acceptable
It was the only way I could feel close to you
But since our last talk
That only happened because you were drunk and high on sleeping pills
You probably don't remember half of what you told me
Remember that you said "Gosto muito de ti"?
Almost felt like we were back to being ourselves
But came next day
Nothing again
That was the equivalent of a drunk dial
You probably regret it
So
After that
Silence again
I can't understand
Why or how we can't make up
But that's not my place anymore
I'll just forget we ever talked that night
It was alcohol and pills talking
Nothing more
I couldn't read you
Not sure if you're doing well
But you're going for dinners and beach and all that
So you're probably doing fine
I'm getting there
I think
Slowly
Very slowly
I'm glad
Glad you're better
Glad that being part of your life was making you miserable and I had the courage to break it up
Lol
I'm so fucking GLAD
Fuck this shit
I want to be the good guy here
But nice guys finish last
I want you all for myself
It kills me that you're better without me
Fuck this shit
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
It kills me
But I'll do it
Because I love you
And that's part of it
The sad part
Letting go
Maybe one day I won't love you as much
Maybe one day I can wake up happy again
Looking forward to the day ahead
Maybe
Maybe not
I know me
I know what it'll take
How long it will take
And it's you
You're different
I'm not sure I'll ever get over you
No
I'm certain
While there's nothing I can do
To change things
I won't chase
I never do
This is me
Letting you go
Against all my will
I am
Letting you go.
Pick me
Choose me.
It was the seventh
I saw a glimpse of you
I made the first move
And we talked
For hours
Everything was almost right
You know the feeling
Something you once had
It's not quite gone
But it's not there as well
Not fully
I said I love you
Because I do
You didn't say it back
I wasn't expecting it anyway
I was glad we talked
It was little
But better than nothing
I still wonder
How we'll look back at these days
Will we ever forgive each other?
Will we overcome all of it
Or we'll just be something that isn't quite complete
I'm still doing my best
From afar
Life has its ways to fuck us over
It seems it gained a taste for us both
Oh
I'd do everything differently
If I knew
What I know today
I wouldn't have been such an idiot sometimes
I'd have made more of an effort
But I believed I was doing the right thing
Focusing on myself
So we could be together later
Maybe it still was the right choice
And it's too soon to tell
But in this moment
I would trade it all
For more time with you
All the time you had
And I didn't
I'd give it all away
No regrets
I miss you so
Hello there
You sent me that song
It's our song
Since we were little kids
16 and 14
Singing along in the street
Hello there
The Angel from my nightmare
I weeped
I've been avoiding music lately
Especially our songs
You told me about your plans
You were going out shopping
Had a lunch date with a friend
And the beach on the weekend
I admit
I got jealous
Wish it was me there with you
Then I smiled
Because you deserve everything good
Do what makes you happy
What makes you smile
What makes you laugh
I know it's not me
But I don't care
I just want to see you happy
If you ever get another
Fall in love again
It won't be the same kind of happy
But I'll still smile for you
Because you've made it
You achieved it
You found someone
I still hope that someone will be me
But nothing is certain anymore
What used to be sure
Is now fogged
That's why I'm deciding some things for myself
I'm going to try the college that I want
I'll try to make it all work
I'll try to do everything so you can be with me
If you choose not to
I'll understand
But at least I know I tried my best
At least...
At least in the end
Some will say it's my fault
I should've done things sooner
But it's not like I did unforgivable things
I decided to study for my finals instead of making plans with you
I was short on cash so I didn't suggest going out to see you as much
I'm hot-headed, so I say things I don't mean when we argue
I can be rude
I can be an idiot
I can do everything wrong
But I will always find my way back to you
That was the promise I made
And the one I intend to keep.
I did it all to try and find a good job
Invest in yourself
Invest in yourself
I hope it will pay off
And I hope you'll be there with me
You're worth one hundred thousand words times one hundred
I'll keep writing
For no one to read
This will be too sad
Even the good days
Won't make up for the bad
I know how you are
But I want to write this poem until I die
We said proper good nights tonight
I was happy
Like a little kid
I hope you'll be all right
I truly do
I don't know if I'll be
But you don't have to know that.
If I'm well
I can try to make you happy
Easier at least
I should have my shit together already
I know
But I don't
I have these words though
And what I feel for you
Will we ever see each other again?
I ask that question every single night
Another day will pass
I didn't want to wake up
Get out of bed
Face everything
I took the first step and talked to you
Shouldn't have
It's almost amazing how much you don't care
Had a meeting for a new project
Won't bring me any money
Won't bring anything except a name on a piece of paper
But who cares at this point
I sent my resume to everything and everyone
I worked out for the first time in months
I won't be the man you think I am
I'm going to be better
Different at least
I just wanted to follow my passion
I guess that was a fool's dream
I'll bag groceries for the rest of my life
And never go penniless again
I won't be a top researcher
I won't teach at the top universities
I won't be anyone special
But I'll have money
For a house
For a loan
For a family
Is that fair?
Life isn't fair, kid
You wasted the time you had
You could've done this 10 years ago
Why didn't you?
You were sick of studying
You fucking idiot
Researching is the most beautiful thing in the world
Finding out new things
New relations and correlations
How the world works
How society moves
That's what matters
But I'll never go penniless again
I'll never hear you say
I'm worth nothing
Cause I don't work
In my mind, I was working
Working for a better future
Fuck this
Fuck everything really
You were my endgame
You always had my back
I could always count on you
16 years of friendship and longing and wanting and love
For this sour taste left in my mouth
Whenever I think of you
Not wanting me
You can't pretend to have feelings
And I know things change
Funny
They never did change for me.
Saw your new picture
I liked it
My One Second Angel.
We talked on the phone today
Things were said
Mostly explained
We left on good terms
I think
Can't remember how much I missed hearing your voice
I won't go into details
It's always sad when two lovers break apart
One won't be as much
But that's the risk
We knew it
I knew it
Maybe that's why I did some of the things I did
Didn't give as much as I should have
Fuck
Here I go again
Blaming myself
I know it's all probably my fault
But how many times do I have to write it?
I don't reread my shit
So, whoever reads will have to go check
I'm sure I talked about blaming myself before
What things could've been differently
Don't matter now
Nothing matters now
I saw your beautiful picture and I died
I like it
Our necklace
I died a million thousands over
I heard my heart crack and crash
All of it
Over a beautiful picture.
Today we agreed
We wouldn't talk anymore
It just makes you anxious
Nervous
I understand, but I don't want to understand
After all, I still want to be your someone
You can't do it right now
There's too much shit
Too much noise
And I haven't been the most reliable person on the planet
Still
It kills me
We agreed
You called me for the last goodbye and that was it
Then you went and had some wine
I was happy to see a message from you
I can't lie
I was
Wish it wouldn't have to be like this
Today is Thursday
Wish it could be like last year
And we were making plans to be together for tomorrow
We talked a bit
About the past
You were drunk
Not that much
A little bit tipsy
Talked about the past
Of how things could've been different
I told you
They can still can
Nothing is permanent
You didn't reply
You asked for a good night
I gave it to you
You offered me an I love you
And I couldn't help but weep
Not sure of happiness or
The realization
That it might've been the last one
I said it back and came back to write
This neverending poem
For no one to read.
I want to keep going until my fingers bleed
I could tell our story a thousand times
And it wouldn't do it justice
Where to start even?
The text message 16 years ago?
The phone call?
Or further back
When by pure chance I met a friend of yours
That in a random day she couldn't text me from her cellphone
And used yours
And I saved your number
Never knew why
But I did
If I believed in god
I'd say it was his hand guiding me
But I don't
So I'll just say
There are random things
Meant to be
Entropy has is own stable nature
From chaos and randomness
We were born
Sure
It took a while
To fully realize
But shit
It was worth it
Wasn't it?
I'm hurt right now
And it's hard for me to see all the good things
But I still believe
Chaos and order
I don't know
I really don't
If we'll get through this
Or if we do
If it will be the same
It's too soon
I hear you talk
Sometimes I can make out you want me in your future
Others not so much
That's why I suggested
We stop talking
For a while
Until it doesn't make you sad
Which is sad in its own way
I'm a constant reminder of your fears and anxieties
I can't handle it as well
We talked a bit
You were in a good mood
And said I love you
What more can I ask.
I'm trying to be all right
Get everything in order
But it all takes so much time
And I have too much of it
Shit
That doesn't matter
It's Friday now
You have plans for tomorrow
And the weekend
I'm jealous
But happy for you
Gotta deal with it
But sometimes I really
Just need to disappear
Like
Really
Really
Disappear
I can't handle this
And I'll never get better
Even if we'll be all right
Each time we'll argue
I'll come back to this
I don't want that
I don't want to feel this
One more second
I go to bed and can't sleep
Because I dream of you
We're happy sometimes
Others not so much
So, not even dreams do me good
I wake up to a world without you
Without anything worthwhile
because
That's who I am
I do try
Shit
I do try
Finished my thesis
All the articles
I try to talk with my brother
Play some games
Hit the gym
I don't like going out so that's out of the question
But maybe I can go do some shopping
I need a pair of pants
Maybe that will help
I do try
I'll keep on trying
Wish I didn't have to
If I could just click a button and switch off
I would do it
I can't feel like this anymore
Nothing helps
Just typing
Endlessly
For naught
For no one
It helps
A fraction of a second
The moment the finger hits the key
And I see it materialize on the screen
It helps
That's why
I can't seem to stop
I don't even want to stop
I don't want to go to bed
In the dark
Waiting for another repeat
Maybe tomorrow will be better
I doubt it
The I love you was sincere
It was
I know it was
I know
I know
I know
I know
I really missed your voice
I think that's it for tonight.
It's 16.50 on a friday
The train should come soon
I'm here
Waiting
This was always the one you took
When you came
The doors will open
And you won't come out
But I'm here
Wishing against wish
That one day I'll see your blonde hair and sweet smile
I am hung up on you
We agreed not to talk to anymore
It's better for you
I can do that
But what I do on my own
Is my own
And I will sit on that bench
Every friday
From 4.30 to 5 pm
Dreaming of how many times you sat on my lap
When we were waiting
How many times we died laughing
How many times I kissed you
Wish I could've done it more
I wish that every Sunday since the first I could've said
'You're not leaving, you're staying with me'
It's easy to talk
Easy to see
Walk the path
Of the could've been, said or did
But it's all I have
Because I don't have
That hope
The knowledge
I don't have you
In the future
Running out of those steps
At 5 pm and smile at me.
Things almost felt normal today
I sent you a text after midnight
Saying it was our day
You replied in the morning
A sweet, heartfelt message
One of those you can't answer or you ruin it
I saw it
Saved it in my heart
And went on
You sent another one back 2 hours later
It was the same type as before
But it felt different
Like I should say something
I didn't know what to say
I won't say I miss you, I love you
We had that talk now many times before
You know it already
So
I started typing
And I erased
You must've seen it
You typed
"Say it"
So, I started small talk
About a show you talked me about some days before
Some documentary about a guy accused of killing his wife
I told you I liked it
We talked a bit
You recommended another one and said you were going to watch it
I told you I'd watch it with you
And we did
Just like before
We couldn't finish it
Saturday in July is a day to go to be bathing in the sun
For most people
I'd like to be one of those people
To be like you
We didn't talk yesterday and it killed me
I can barely get out of bed
And do anything
I envy that trait of yours
And hate mine
How can I be so crippled
So handicapped
I thought about talking to someone and go out
But in fact
That's the last thing I really want to do
Anyway
Things felt normal
For one hour
Am I still fooling myself?
Holding on to stupid shit
If it wasn't the 11th I wouldn't have said anything
You wouldn't have replied
We wouldn't have talked about anything
Will it be like that tomorrow?
And after?
We made a deal
No contact
But it was the 11th
And things seemed good
I guess things can be good
For only one hour
I'm sorry I can't be the bigger man here
But I wished you stayed here with me
Watching Netflix all day
Instead of going to the beach
Even if it's July and sunny outside
I'm sorry
It's a fault of mine
Because
When I'm not well
I can't understand how others can be well
I mean
I can
We feel what we feel
But I can't understand why do I have to be like this
I just want to accept that it really is over
And not feeling like I'm holding on to something that isn't there anymore
These Fridays are becoming harder and harder
When we talked
You said I didn't want you to be the person who just did nothing
And I agreed
I hope you do everything you can to become better
But I have to ask
Eventually
Or right now
Will it ever involve me again?
Or is this the new normal
Not seeing each other
Talking once in a while
Feeling everything can become better
And nothing changes
We're far from each other
but not that far
We could work things out
like we always did
I know it's easier to have everything done for you
For us, you have to make an effort
But shit
Isn't our relationship worth an effort?
The time we spend together?
You said no
I understand and respect that
I'm just not strong enough yet
To keep you far away
Eventually
I guess I will
As time goes on
And does what it does
What has it been now
3 months?
4 months?
Not seeing each other
Not kissing
Hugging
Fucking
Now we barely talk
I guess this was the only way to end us
Not with a sudden and clean cut
But small little ones
It's harder in the long run
For me at least
But a message from you
An I love you from you
A 'forever' from you
Shit
It means everything to me
I still hope
You do you
Do the things you need to feel good
I know you're depressed and angry
At me
At everything
At how little things in your past can creep up on you
So
I sincerely hope all you do
Makes you feel better
It'll make all of this worth it
I won't be there if you find someone else
That's my hard limit
I think you can understand that
I just wish I was like you
Message someone and go out
Like nothing else is going on
Your little bubble
I have that
But it only works when I'm with you
When we're together the world changes
Disappears
Anything is possible
I'm whole again
It only happens with you
Why?
Why can't I feel good when I'm with my friends?
Am I such a bad person?
Does that make me a bad person?
I don't know the answer
Probably never will
Wish you were here.
There's something wrong with me
I'm engaging in unhealthy behavior
I'm checking your Instagram every 10 seconds
To see the number of followers
Publications
I saw today you accepted 2
My first thought was...
I'm not proud of it
And you did nothing wrong
Even if it was men
What's wrong?
You're free
I'm not one to control
I didn't even mention it
I rationalized there was nothing wrong with it
But my first reaction was so fucked up
I can't deal with it
I'm becoming something I hate
I was never too jealous
Too controlling
Still think I'm not
But all of this that's happening
It seems to be waking up
Every insecurity in me
I'm trying to find a solution
Every time I think about looking at your profile
I try and think first "there's nothing there that will help you"
And I think
And I think
And I struggle
And in the end I say "this is the last time"
And I go there
Sometimes there's nothing
Sometimes there is
But there's nothing inherently wrong with it
It happens to me as well
People follow me
Although I don't follow many back
But we're different anyway
I don't want to be this person
I barely recognize who this person is
Talking about me by the way
Yesterday was the 11th
It was a good day
Not a normal for our standards
But we watched netflix
Talked in the morning and evening
You sent me some pictures
I liked them
You told me you weren't feeling well when you went to sleep
So today I said good morning and hoped you were better
You replied
We talked a bit
And watched some more netflix
You got tired
Because it's hard to type on the cellphone and pay attention at the same time
I can do it because I'm on the pc
You apologized
You didn't need to
I understand everything
I was just glad we did something together
I want to help you so much
be the one who says everything is okay
And make it all okay
Not just empty words
It's all I have in this moment
Fuck me
If only I've done everything sooner
Women like older men because they don't have to babysit man-childs
They prefer someone who is already "ready"
Your words
I don't think you meant that directed at me
But I know it applies
I'm sorry I'm not ready
Before we got together I was taking the first steps towards it
It takes time
And there's no guarantee even
Shit happened in the past
And I know you're not well right now
I just feel powerless
I have some money saved up
But not enough to help with what you're going through
I'm careful with it
I have to
I can't be planning a 4 year PhD without any job prospects without caution
I'm trying really hard to get a job
Really really hard
I'm applying to everything in the area
Even the last job that almost killed me
I don't care
I just know I need to be doing something
To help me secure my future
And try and help you
If you want it
Need it
It's just taking so long
I got nothing to show for it right now
Nothing
Just insecurities and anxieties
That I don't dare share with you
You don't need that weight on you
Besides
I know vulnerability isn't exactly appealing
I want to open up with you
But I can't
You already have so much on your shoulders
I have to make life-changing decisions by myself
And hope I get them right
Because I don't know
Where we'll be in a year or two
I hope we'll still be together
I know I want to
But together with me doing a program 2hours away from you?
I can make that work
But I could just as easily go to your city
And make my life there
But then
For you
It would just be another responsibility
Like you say
That I'm trying to rush things
When I'm not
I decided already
Where I'm going
If I'm accepted
And it's not the one closest to you
it's the best option for me
Like my master's was
But it turned out my master's ruined everything
I'm torn
I'm in pieces
You're in pieces
I want to make it all right
And I can't
Everything changed
I try to be okay with it
But I'm not
I find myself just shaking
Uncontrollably
Holding the phone
Thinking about you
What's best
What should I do
If I knew everything
I'd do everything differently
But I didn't
No point in talking about the past I guess
I'm trying my best for the future
Maybe I can land a good job soon
When I get everything published
Or maybe not such a good job
But a good enough job
Where I can pay for a house
And you can come and not worry about nothing
If you want
Maybe the 4 years will be worth it
I'll be 36 if everything goes according to plan
I'll work wherever I need to work
In the end, I should be able to be invited to give some classes
Somewhere
College professors make a decent living
That's my plan
It will take a while
And the PhD won't be as easy as my master's
I think
But I'll try
Is this still a poem?
It feels more like a diary to me
No matter
Maybe one day you'll read it and laugh about everything
Or you'll never read it
I want to write all the good things as well
Not just the bad ones
We talked
We laughed
We still haven't been together
Going on for 4 months now
That worries me
But I won't force you
It's hard enough for you as it is
Do everything you can to become better
And I'll be happy
Whatever the outcome is
it's just
As I said before
I wish I could do something
Be a billionaire and solve all your problems
Have my own life organized and ready for the future
But I don't
All I have is words
And love
Lots of it
Lots of both
Whatever good that does
It's not enough
Every day I think about ending it all
Myself I mean
It's not a healthy and stable mental state to be in
But I'm so tired
So so so tired
Of being nothing
I can only think
That if I leave now
The last impression you'd have of me
Was of someone who loved you
And tried everything
As it is now
We'll end up
Just
Forgetting each other
Shit
No
I'll never forget you
Never.
Just need some help
Some help
Some help
from the universe
Make something go right
Not by my hand
Not what I need to work for
Make something random happen
That will help me
Help her
Please
I studied for my master's to get a better job
That seems not to be working
I'm too old for everything and no relevant experience in the field
So, that was a good idea
Still a chance
The letters of recommendation tell of a brilliant future for me
That I just don't see
But I will try
But fuck me
I'll try
But please
Help me
I'm not asking any deity
Any god
To do it
The universe
The entropy
The chaos
The randomness
Make something happen
To me
Or her
That will help her
Please
I'm begging
Not talking about a lottery
Just a little nudge in the right direction
A little sign
Some random event
Make it all right
Please
Make it all
All right
For her
At least
For her.
Please.
We still have our moments
But you're so distant right now
I miss our other moments
Why do I feel such guilt?
Over what happened
Over what I could've done
Over what I didn't do before
So I could help you now
That's all I feel
Guilt
Guilt
Guilt
Responsibility
I miss our summers
I miss you
I miss touching you
Hugging you
Laying in the bed
Just cuddling
Thinking about nothing
Is that all really gone?
It feels so
It's not that I didn't cherish those moments
I absolutely loved them
I never took them for granted
I always thought I was so lucky
To be with you
Every time we were together
I tried to make the best of it
It's not like we wasted time
Maybe sometimes
We argued
But we apologized
And kissed
It's so easy when we're together
So, so so easy
I miss that
All I can do now is lie on my bed
Thinking what the fuck can I do
To makes things better
Or at least not make them worse
Space? Plenty of it
Time? All you need
But there's always something that makes us come back to each other
In text
That's the problem
Wish I lived 5 min away from you
That's what I regret the most
I could've done things differently in the past
But then again
I left because you didn't want me at the time
You didn't pick me
You didn't choose me
Had I stayed (which I should've)
I would've watched you first hand
Building a life with someone else
I couldn't handle that
Never
I saw that from a distance safe enough for both of us
Six years passed
And we found each other
For real this time
But so far apart
We tried to make it work
It might still work
But I don't know
But
But
But
Had I stayed in that job
Had I built my career right there and then
Made my life there
Perhaps I would've found someone in the meantime
But she'd never be you
I've always wanted you
Had I stayed there
Endured those six years
Made everything I could do "make it"
None of this
Needed to happen
All the problems due to distance
All my insecurities because you never picked me
You could be in my house right now
Laughing
Sure
Still with some problems to solve
But with me
Holding your hand
I like to think that would help
But that's a reality that doesn't exist in this timeline
In this universe
We are bound to each other
But life is making fucking everything to keep us apart
I'm not even sure you like me anymore
You still say you love me
Sometimes
You still text me
You still miss me
Sometimes
But
It's not the same
It can't be the same
I feel you depressed and anxious
You have an appointment with a doctor
I hope it helps
But I'm under no illusion it will help us
He'll only have your best interests in mind
And an ex-boyfriend or semi-boyfriend or whatever the fuck I am right now
Reminding you every day that I still exist and we can't be together?
Maybe he'll say you have to let me go
How many people have said that?
They know nothing
But what if that's what you really need to get better?
I'll accept it
I'll do it
I'll die doing it
I'm dying right now
I can feel pieces of me
Billions
Trillions
All over the floor
Wherever I go
Bearing us
You
I can honestly feel my heart skipping beats
It's anxiety and I have the meds
But they don't help much
Or the amount needed is too much and I just fall asleep
Fuck
I want you so much
I love you so much
Knowing you might be better off without me
It hurts
It hurts like nothing
I've ever felt before
But at least I'll know you'll be okay
I'll keep watching you once in a while
To make sure you're happy
Like I did
In those six years
I'd go to your profile and see you happy with him
All the trips
Comments
Descriptions
You seemed happy
How could I have not known you were not?
I'd have tried sooner
I'd have said
Pick me
Choose me
Sooner
Before all of this
Before all of it seemed too late
You probably won't believe me
But I have no reason to lie
I waited 6 years for you
6 years single
Loving you
Knowing you were with someone who made you happy
Supposedly
I guess he did at some point in time
But I could've lived with it
For the rest of my life
Without you
Without knowing what it is
To have you
To fulfill this love of 16 years
It's poetic
It's epic
It deserves a better writer than this
To make it justice
I could've done it
But once we accepted each other
There was no turning back for me
Sure
I was an asshole
Many many times
Guilt, remember?
That's all I can feel right now
Guilt.
Powerless
Guilt
Powerless
Guilt
Powerless
Guilt
I'll have to make decisions soon that will dictate my future for the next years
And I can't ask what you think
It would only hurt you more
I'm scared I'll make the wrong decision again
Like I did
When I left that job
Because you didn't pick me
It was not your fault
It was my decision
I just couldn't see you every day with another guy
Not talking
We passed each other so many times like we didn't know each other
We worked the same office
3, 4 meters away
And we were complete strangers
Back then it was 9 years since we've met and kissed
Since we both knew but could never admit
Because of pride
And stupidity
9 years and we became strangers
I couldn't handle it
I left
I had to
I shouldn't
I should've stayed
Maybe now I'd have my life on track
And able to help you
Shit
That's just a dream
Who knows
Maybe nothing would've ever happened
I guess
All I'm saying is
I'm going back in time
Certain periods of my life
Where I could've said it
Could've done things differently
Would we still be together 16 years later?
We didn't last 2 at 30 and 28.
But I think so
We're still not finished
Maybe for now
For a little while
But we'll never be finished
Ever.
I don't want to imagine
You
Having a life with someone else
I really can't
Even if it's the best
I'm not that strong
Not again
I've been strong long enough, you know?
So
If you do find someone else
Make it work
Go all the way
Make it worth it
This sacrifice
This pain
Make every single piece of me whole
By being happy
But I won't be around to see it
I can barely survive these days
There's something wrong with me
I can't tell you
All I can think about is
How
How
How
How
How
How
How should I do it?
Should I do it?
It's not because of you
To make you see things clearly
Or to make you sad
It's just
I can't take it
I can't
It overwhelms me
It crushes me
And I can't talk with anyone
I have to carry this alone
I can't tell you
It would only make things worse
I can't
I'll never tell you
Maybe if you ever read this
You'll know
It's too much
Too much
Everything takes forever
All my decisions
All the turning points
Are months away
That's why I begged the universe
The other day
To help us
To help you
Give you something
I still think if you get better
We can work things out
Maybe we won't
But I hope
In the meanwhile
I just can't handle this
I'm not the same person
I'm scared all the time
I'm anxious
Afraid
Sad
Just sad
What can I do?
What?
I'll do anything
That's why
I ask
How
and Should I?
I'll do anything to make this pain stop
It destroys all your dreams
And I had so few, to begin with
Shit
What the fuck am I saying
I miss you
I love
That's all.
I remember the sound
Of crashing waves
On the sand
The wind blowing
Making everything swirl
We were in the middle
Where nothing could touch us
I remember
This was one of those we didn't talk at all
I'm sure we could've
If one of would've
But that wasn't the agreement
Talking to me made you more anxious and nervous
I told you
You didn't have to
But we agreed
Or I suggested
Silly me
That we cut all contact
And see how you feel
Well, I don't know about you
But this shit is hurting
It burns like fire
Everything aches
And nothing moves
It's like I'm stuck in motion
Inside someone else's story
Without there's not plot
You're the main character
The line that guides me
I spent all day
Back and forth
Back and forth
I sent out 100 resumes
I feel like I have to do something
I hit the gym again
I'm writing
I'm typing
But all I can do
Is have your chat window open
And say "Hello there."
And you'd say it back
And it would be like before
I'd call you love
I miss calling you love
I miss calling you amor
I miss everything
You have no fucking idea
My brain just won't stop
It won't
I'm abusing the pills
I'm overthinking
I can't see the future
I can't plan for the future
What I'm trying to do is get some money
From some random job
Don't care what
Maybe it'll get my mind off of you
I'm reconsidering my phd
Is it worth?
I'd have to go in debt for it
I don't know
I know nothing
nothing
That's why I needed you
So we could talk about nothing
So you could say
It's all right
It's all right
Like you did
That time you don't remember
You held me tight
While I cried and was scared of the future
Of a future without you
A future without anything
And you held me there
Like a mother would hold her child
Caressed my hair
And those sweet words
'Everything will be fine. We're together, I love you'
that lifted me up
Shit
It's what I needed
I just hope you're doing better than me
I think you are
Better coping mechanisms
I'm barely alive
Involuntary mechanisms keep my body well and safe
But I don't feel anything
Just the loss of you
The absence
Sure, I hold on to a few words
Somehow we'll be all right
Everything will be all right
I'm just scared
Scared of everything that might happen
While we're apart
You're gorgeous, smart and with a defined career.
You're basically perfect.
Best sense of humor mixed with a bid of a bad temper
You're also small enough to hold your head on my chest
I'm not the only one seeing this
You turn heads everywhere you go
Things keep like this and it will be repeat of what happened 7 years ago
Me loving you from a distance while you're happy with someone else
I don't want that
I don't want that
I have no more words
Except those
I want you with me
Fuck
Is this too selfish?
I think we both deserve some good in our lives
You'll have yours, 100% (drink)
And me...
Well, we'll just have to see.
Right now I can't see anything past my foggy eyes
I'm blind
So so blind
I'm a child
Looking for a hand to hold
That relief I talked about earlier
I need that hand
I need to know
That everything will be all right.
Think I've been unfair with what I write
I never meant this to be a journal of what's going on
I'd love to write beautiful things
There's something about sadness
That makes even beautiful things seem hopeless
That's not who we are
Or we were
We were the best duo
We are bound
Somehow fate found a way
Although things are as they are
It will never be lack of love
And it was love who drove me all those years
Towards you
In the hotel room
A small kiss on your neck was enough to stop all talk
We couldn't get enough of each other
It's still like this to this day
Even 2 years later
When we see each other
We're teenagers again
It's stupid
It's dumb
But it's beautiful
We have that
We do
We have so many good things
I'm falling into darkness again
Sorry
Can't type anymore.
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Why can't I be a normal person
Hope you're all right
I love you
I'll say it every day.
I think after all
This will be a poem
With an ending
Not the happiest
But I relish the fact
We had good days
The best days
That towers over everything
I know you won't mourn me
I'm not doing this for you
I'm doing it because I can't cope with it
I'm sorry to my brother
Who would move mountains for me
To my mother and sister
I'm sorry
I just...
Wasn't created for this world
I think I needed something different
Ever since someone touched me
I have so many issues I can't even describe
Or know their names
What do you do when you know you had that 1 shot
Over
And Over
And Over
And Over
Again
And you kept ruining it
To protect yourself
'She'll leave like the others'
Well shit
She did, man
You made it happen
She was the one
And you couldn't make it
You weren't up the task
You failed
You fucking failed
She would've done anything for you
Anything
You piece of shit
In your next life maybe you'll be a better person
I'm back to me
I'll always love you
You always had me
since the beginning
Since the days I spent on your class
Rode the bus with you
I loved you since then
Your smile is contagious
I did love you then
I loved you even more in this past 2 years
But that wasn't enough
Too much noise
Too much shit
Your friends
Your parents
Your ex
The house
The car
The job
All noise
That I couldn't save you from
You didn't need saving
You never did
We knew it wasn't going to be easy
But not in a million I'd ever believe there would come a day
Again
When
You'd be better off
That's not me bragging by the way
I just felt your love
So pure
So intense
So Everything
It was everything
It was endless
It was beautiful
Thank you for that
I'm 32 years old
This isn't my suicide letter
This was supposed to be a neverending poem that I would write forever
I just see no future
Life just...
Caught me
And you can argue it was just another heartbreak
Well
It wasn't
It was THE heartbreak
The break that wasn't supposed to happen
And I understand everything
What's best
What's wrong
This isn't a cry for help
This is just me not being able to handle the pain
The despair
The void
Wouldn't you do anything to stop the pain?
What if there was only one thing you could do ever do?
Wouldn't you do it?
It's harder than it seems
I don't want to do it
I want to go back and say to myself
that everything will be all right
But I know it won't
Nothing will ever be the same again
I have some shit written but it's worthless
I won't become one of those posthumous famous writer
It's all shit
But I enjoy doing it
I also miss sex
But the only sex with her
She was the best at it
Fuck me
Best sex of my life
Nothing I can do about that
I can't say goodbye to my brother
Nothing will become easier
The light of my life has been torched to the ground
Partly by me
And everything else
Well
It's just too much
It really is too much
I can't fake emotions
I can't fake being all right
I wear everything on my sleeve
I can't even go out and pretend to have a good time
I'll just be miserable and makes others miserable as well
You
You're a different story
You can light up a room
In the darkest of hours
You don't know how to handle these things, you already said
Does it even matter?
I just want you to remember the good we had
Imagine the good we could've become
I'm not this guy
But I lost you
And you were half of me
Can't lose half of yourself and expect things to be normal
You're all right
You'll be all right
You'll have your house and car
2 kids
And a dog
Perfect life
You'll have your friends to go out when you start to hate your husband
Or maybe just focus on the babies and make up excuses not to fuck
Or maybe you'll find the true love of your life
I was just the thing
That prepared you for it
I want do it
But I can't
I lack the courage.
Could I give myself a few more days?
Every time we talk
Everything seems so permanent
I can't explain it
It's like you're doing away with something that's annoying you
I don't get it
You don't know if this is forever
So we have to assume that it is?
What kind of answer is that?
Just another one
Add it to the list
Of things to keep me away
I should keep away
I will
Starting now
Fuck this
Fuck everything
Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck
Fuck being in love with someone
I told her
I told her
It only lasts 1 year
After that the true test arrives
And so it was
True love
She'll love me forever
That's what she says
Not my kind of love
Not the kind of love
That should last for a lifetime
I have to stop writing about her
She's not giving me anything
About being interested in me again
The love she professes seems platonic
Or so far away in the future
I don't know what to think anymore
I don't
I'm lost.
We had some good days
I hope I'll see you again.
Ever wake up and feel
You have nothing?
Literally nothing
No one seems to understand
I tried talking to my brother
He has no idea
My mother
Knows a bit, but all she says is to go and do other things
Things that tire me just by thinking of them
No one understands this loneliness
This feeling that you have nothing
Nothing to do
Nothing to expect for
Nothing to expect from
I'm trying to remain optimistic
I open your chat window and I "talk" with you
It helps a little bit
But you're still not here
Things aren't all right
You said you loved me forever
I could feel it
It was honest
I just wish whatever it is you're going through
Would go well
Wish I wasn't the thing you closed down
I want a future with you
But I can't see it
Best case scenario
You solve everything in 6 months
And if by miracle you still love me
And realize you miss me
What are you going to do?
"Hey, let's go! I'm ready now."
You won't say if this shit is forever because you don't want to "lock me up"
But we have to assume it is
Because you're not sure of anything
But you say you love me
I'd wait a thousand years for you
If I knew that was what it would take
But as of right now
I don't know
I don't know anything
I know I don't want anyone else
I know I love you
I know I want to be with you
That's what I know
I know nothing else
Nothing
Just that you're going through a rough patch and you're trying to solve it all in the best way possible
I was just something annoying you
It's okay
I guess
Sometimes people don't have time for relationships
They can't do it
Too busy
Too much work
Too much stress
Not enough love
Thing is
It's us
It's you and I
SJ
We were supposed to overcome everything
I guess we couldn't
After all
That's a sad thought
You were my benchmark
My best friend
The one I could always count on
Finally admitting our feelings made things better
It's sad knowing it's better like this
Sad knowing that the future doesn't look bright
I'm not angry enough to be mad at anything
Maybe I should
But I don't know
Deep down I still hope
It's us after all
Everything should be all right
Eventually
Right?
It was always like this.
We love each other
That's what matters
That's what matters
That's what matters
That's what matters
That's what matters
That's what matters
That's what matters
That's what matters
SJ
We'll always have each other.
Remember that poem
In some other life
We are standing
Side by side and
Laughing that, in
Some other life
We are apart.
We laughed at those fools
At those idiots who never had the courage
How naive
I don't any of this to be taken as is
These are just my thoughts
And feelings
It's about the only way I can cope with
That's not unhealthy
I know nothing
I know nothing
Except that I love you
And you're doing your best
What you think it's best
For you
For me
I'll never blame you for that
Never
Hello there
Come a little closer
Sofia & João 2004-XXXX
I don't know what to think
I don't know how both of us
Arrived here
Not talking
Ignoring each other
You came and said good night yesterday
That was it
We used to talk for hours and hours
You had something to say
You just didn't
There used to be no secrets between us
Now I wonder how many separate us
It seemed you just needed to know I was still there
You're not holding me down
But you're not letting me go as well
I want to stay for you
But those things you say
"Why can't you just be well?"
Don't you know why?
I asked you if you felt well
You just said
You had no choice
So "Yes"
You were
Ok
I'm glad
It's proven
You're better without me
Without the weight of a relationship
Who can't respect that?
If fucking hurts
But I respect it
I'll just
Be...
Alone
With no illusions
No hopes
If someone loves you
They'll move mountains for you
That's what they say at least
I'm glad it all worked out for you
We were supposed to be different
What did I expect
Really
What did I expect
I don't know
Something different I guess
Not this
Shit
It's my fault as well
I want to go back in time
I'm holding on to what's barely there
You were right
This is forever
This is permanent
If it wasn't I think you'd know
Everyone does
I really want to believe
That
We're soulmates still
This is just a bump in our journey
We had so many already
But
At some point
You need to face the facts
Yes, you still text
Some times
You still say you love me
But everything with finality to it
Like we'll never see each other again
I'm trying really hard S.
But every day is a non-day
I wake up
Turn on the pc
And check Whatsapp every 3 min
For you
It's just...sad
You're working hard
Making things happen
And I'm stuck
I'm stuck
I can't move on
I'm living for the day you message me
I'm living for the moment like yesterday
"Good night, João"
And we talk for 5minutes
It was the best part of my day
You said you never felt like you had me
Shit
I don't know how or why
I can barely go through the day
Without you
You always had me
Always will
Always
I don't want to move on
I want you
You
Here
In my arms
Dying of laughter
Feeling like the best
The happiest
I know what we had
You'll never be able to deny that
It's amazing what 300km
And a few months
Do to your memory
You were the happiest here
I was the happiest there
You just didn't see it
For some reason
Now, I don't know what is best
I'm trying my hardest not to bother you
Not to chase
I think I fought for you plenty
I think I did what I could
The best and maximum
Short of appearing in front of you
Maybe that could work things out
But it's a gamble I'm not willing to take
You don't like surprises
I would love to see you again
But since I'm not sure you share this feeling
I won't be selfish
I'll just be
And stay
And write
And write
And write
And write
It's easy to say I love you
But I love you
I love you so much
You're the hand that keeps all the demons away
You're the relief of that lost child who doesn't know where to turn
You're the smile who can turn even the darkest day into something good
I'm sorry for all the things I've done wrong
I really am
I'll never be perfect
I regret so many things
But I like to think
I've done many things right
I did try
You know that's one of the things that hurts the most
Knowing you tried
And failed so hard
I never wanted this to be a sobby diary
I'm just writing things as they come
I'll probably never show this to you because
I don't want you reliving these days
It probably feels one-sided
Like I'm the only in pain
It's just that I can only tell my side of the story
I just know what you tell me
But yesterday you told me you were all right
So,
I want you to be happy
Be well
Be safe
Always.
Yours, J.
I'm here thinking of reasons
To try and be mad at you
And I find many
I just can't
The feeling doesn't even disappear
Because it never shows up
I wanted to start a list of all the things you said/done wrong
That lasted about a week
Until I realized it only made bitter and sad
I know my way of solving things may seem
Dumb
But I do forget things
I forget them all
Because I try to remember only the good
It's not perfect
Some shit still slips by sometimes
Things I'll never forget
But for the most part
I only think and remember
The good
I think that's why it's easier for you to stay away right now
You tend to always remember the bad
I'm here only recalling the good
I don't even want to know the shit you've done to me
Or remember it
I'll never hate you
I'll never try to hate you
I'll never try to make this easy on me
We have to live with what we did
Now, if anyone else reads this
Will probably think
I cheated on you a hundred times and always promised never to do it again
No.
That never happened
Our problems were different
I overreacted many times
I was too quick to just say "fuck it, we're over"
I could be rude and rant about something for half an hour
But, I always recognized it, didn't I?
Always apologized and tried to be better
I think I did.
I never stopped loving you
All those times
And for each time we argued we had 777777777777777777777 others where we were loving each other
It's not fair to weigh a relationship like this
But shit
I can't deny what I did and said at times
But
Do you believe me when I say
I'm sorry?
I love you?
I want you?
Some things will change
Have changed
Those never did
Never will.
I'm having a hard time envisioning a future
Everything seems that it stopped
Or rather
I stopped
While everything else changes
Got a text from you
Something happened at work
And you wanted to tell me
We talked quite a bit
I think things got a bit clearer now
I can't tell you what to do
But I'll always say what I feel
And this time
I told you
Head-on
If there was nothing left of us
Nothing we could do anymore
Even if you still loved me
It would be over
Forever
You said that wasn't how you felt
We talked a bit more after that
I'm not happy or glad
Nothing changed really
We're still broken
Apart
Far away
No future as far as we can see
But you still love me
And you believe there's still a way
I'll never stop believe in us
At least
In what I feel for you
And in what I would do for you
I've been in your shoes
Kind of
I could always separate things
Kind of
When I was too depressed to get out of bed
It was you who made me
I'd be angry and grumpy
But I would
And I would improve
And I could see
And know
That I'd never want to lose you
Even in my darkest hour
When that hand got a hold of me
You were there
You endured my pain
My suffering
Everything
You didn't turn away
How could I turn away now?
Maybe I'm being pathetic
You said so many times
"I don't want you to wait for me"
"That's just more pressure"
Well, shit
What am I supposed to do?
Say okay and never think of you again?
While I love you?
While I ache every day for you to come back?
While you still text me?
And I reply in seconds?
I'm not stuck
I just love you
Is all
I'll never stop loving you
Say what you will
I'll be here for you
In whatever way you need me
Maybe we won't be boyfriend and girlfriend for a while
Maybe you'll find another life without me
Maybe you'll find that you don't love me anymore
But that's a maybe
That's for the future to tell us
Right now
We do love each other
It's not the best time
It's also not the worst
The worst...
Well, paradoxically
The worst turned out to be good.
I'll take this as a test
If we get through it
We'll come out stronger
I believe
For now, we're still apart
It hurts like hell
But
It is what it is
I won't take anything for granted
Life is still on hold for me
I can't help it
Can't fake happiness with me
I try my best when I'm with others
But it doesn't take long to come out
Also, my social energy was never too high to begin with
I always thought that would be a selling point
For a serious relationship
I like to stay at home and watch movies
Or do nothing
I don't go out for drinks
I don't do nightclubs
I don't flirt
I stay fit because that's what you need to do
Especially as you get older
I'm almost 33 after all
Even when I go to the beach
I don't take my shirt off
I don't like the sun ruining my skin
You're always tanned
It suits you
Hot as fuck
Maybe I could try and do the same
Would you love me more?
I like my pale skin
It's untouched really
Last time I got tanned was in 2013
Don't know
Maybe this year I'll do it
Since everything is different
Only one year won't ruin my skin forever
I don't base this on any scientific evidence by the way
But I truly believe that year after year after year of sunbathing
Ruins your skin
And your 40s will look the 60s
Not with you
You're special
You'll be a knock out at 40
Long way until then anyway
Yeah
Maybe tomorrow I'll go
A couple of hours won't hurt
I'll use sun-screen
Maybe I'll look better to you then
Such a superficial thing to say
But you do get hot with that tan
And those tan lines
When we're together
They drive me crazy
Can't explain it
Why am I even talking about this
It's just making me miss you more
As of right now
We're making small talk
It feels kind of forced
Like it's not normal
Maybe it's just the distance of it all
We have so many important things to discuss
That talking about our cats
Seems...
Can't tell
You always said you wanted a book written for you
Will this ever count?
The words are here
It's probably more of a letter
Than a poem
Or a proper story
But if you ever read it
I hope you like it
Some parts of it
If everything will be all right
I'll put it here
If not
I'll put it here as well
And you'll know
How my days went
Today is the 15th of July
And it's currently 22.26
Or 10.26pm for our foreign friends
We just said good night
It was friendly
You're not sleeping well
You went to to the doctor yesterday
I asked if he gave you something for it
You didn't even acknowledge the question
By what you tell me
You're averaging 3 to 4 hours of sleep
Not even myself
In the peak of my insomnia
That I still suffer from by the way
It's only a little better because I take my daily dose of diazepam
I wouldn't sleep at all
Like all night
But then during the day I'd find the time to sleep 2 to 3 hours
It wasn't healthy
I couldn't function properly
I can only imagine what you're going through
But you don't take help kindly
Or suggestions
Maybe that's my fault
I always try to find a solution
I hope you sleep well tonight
I hope there's still a bit of us
Inside you
Most of all
I hope you'll be all right
I'll go to the beach tomorrow
Maybe that will help me as well
I find it tiresome just thinking about it
But
That's not normal, right?
I'm healthy and fit
I can run for miles
I work out
There's nothing wrong with me physically
It's all in my head
Everything bores me
Everyone bores me
Except you
Don't know why
It's not the conversations
Or the people
It's the experience in itself
I isolate myself on purpose
Why?
Then I'm all alone
When you leave
And I crash
Hard
That's not healthy
And I'm on a psychiatrist for 2 years now
I'd like that explained to me
Nothing excites me
Except you
Those fridays
I could run around the world with you
Is this normal?
Is my unconscious self saving up energy
For you?
Energy that won't be spent anytime soon?
It doesn't make sense
Do I have to force myself to go out?
I did it a month ago
But it was out of spite
Because of something that happened between us
I liked it
But it took too long
Too expensive
And didn't do what I thought it would
I went to our first place
I thought you'd be nostalgic about it
But you simply didn't care
Cause you were down south
Enjoying your own beach time
I was jealous of that
I could only think
That it was a perfect weekend for us
Not my best moment
I have many of those
So, I sent you a good night text
One of those
You always asked
And I hesitated to give
For reasons already explained
Right or wrong
I had them
But I sent them
I've sent a few now
I don't know if what you wanted was one every night
One every day
During the day
Right now I could see I was so blind
To what you were asking me
To what you needed
I did other things
We have many inside sayings
Many loving things we say to each other
Somehow I thought those were enough
But you asked
And kept asking
And I hesitated for so long
Didn't want to feel forced
Didn't want you to remember what I wrote for other people
I was always trying to avoid arguments
or making you sad or jealous
Like writing this
If you read it
You'll be sad
At least if I showed you right now
You probably won't give a fuck in a year or two
At this rate
Anyway
I sent it
It was sweet
You liked it
I said good morning
We're talking
You mention vacation days
And I die inside
Why?
Because I'm a piece of shit
I instantly thought
"We can be together, right? Why isn't she saying something about it?"
But then I remembered
You're not my girlfriend anymore
I'm not your boyfriend
You say you miss me
But you don't want to be with me
You're going 3 days to the place you invited me over last year
I loved it
But in the last day we had a stupid argument
And the return trip was horrible
So, I think you'll never invite me over there again
Also, I didn't have much money at the time for the gas
I bought us an expensive dinner to try and make up for it
But I should've helped more
Even if I didn't have much
You're going to have a full week off next month
Guess what I instantly thought?
Again
Yes
I know
I can't help myself
It's just
I want to be with you so much
Your parents won't be home
I could go and spend 1 day or 2
You know?
But then I remember
We're ex-boyfriend and girlfriend
We're still talking because you said
We could still work things out
And I won't add pressure
If you want me there
You'll tell me
If you don't want me
It's your right
But fuck
It's been since March we last saw each other
You don't have to do anything
I would go to you
I feel things are so messed up
I can't even suggest we see each other
It's your vacation days
You'll want to feel turned off from everything
I can do nothing about it
But it adds to this feeling
That everything is so fucked up
Sure
We're talking
We're laughing
Because no pressure
You know you don't have to be with me
Because I said so
I accepted it
Because I know what you're going through every day
And I just want to help
But
I'll die inside again
If you go down south with a friend of yours
I'll die inside again
If you spend a week on some resort somewhere
I know it will be what's best for you
And I should do the same
But I can't help myself
I think these horrible things
It's not like I want you all to myself
It's just been so long
And this was a good chance
If everything was still all right
I'm not proud of myself
I can tell you that
I want to be stoic
But I think you can understand, right?
I'm dying for us to see each other
To be together again
I have so much time at the moment
It's all being wasted
You'll say it was reverse last year
And it was
But as soon as I freed up some time
I told you
And we made plans
I don't know
Maybe things will still turn around
Maybe you'll suggest I go there for a day or two to see how things go
But this is my first reaction
I'll never lie
I want everything I'm feeling
To be here in this neverending poem
I'm overjoyed we're texting again
I gave you an out yesterday
Of all of this
"Even if you loved me but you thought there was nothing that could be done
We could end things and stop all this"
I truly meant it
You said that wasn't how you felt
That we could solve things still
I'm overjoyed at that
All I want is for us to be well
For that, you have to be well first
I hope it doesn't take too long
I really do
Because I love you
And it's so hard playing this role of best friend
That is all right with us not seeing each other
I think you realize that
And that's part of the reason we broke up
Because you can't handle a relationship where you feel you're not giving what you're supposed to
Too much shit going on
I think you're depressed and in need of professional help
But I can't talk about it
Because you don't talk about it
And avoid the subject
But this time would be different
I even thought of just going there
On some random day and have lunch or whatever
It would be expensive for me
But at this point, I really don't care
I don't do it because it wouldn't help
I think
You'd just be anxious and nervous and mad
I have to be patient
And I will be
But I'm also not perfect
I still think some things you did are fucked up
Even though I have no right to complain
But if I did the same
You'd be pissed
You said it yesterday
"you miss me so much, that's why you come and talk so much with me"
Shit
I thought it was agreed upon to see how you felt
I even asked you afterward
Should we start talking then?
And you said "No"
Wtf?
Then you said "I know you're always on Whatsapp"
Implying I'm talking to other girls
When all I do is open your window and "talk" to you
You went to the beach and purposely avoided WhatsApp
So you wouldn't talk to me
I didn't even say anything because you stopped replying in the morning
I just let you be and went and cleaned up my car
But I know you were on other social media
Whatsapp means me
And you wanted to avoid me
Even when I gave you space
Eventually, you came and talked to me
Late at night
To finish the show we started seeing
And I'm okay with that
That's a healthy relationship
You have your things
Your time with your friends
Do what makes you feel best
But
If it was me
It's because I never loved you
You felt you never had me
You feel you don't have me
Your recent words
Shit
I'm lost
Don't know what to do
Or how to feel
I'm dying inside because of the vacation thing
And I'm talking to you like nothing happened
Because I can't complain
If I do the same
You can't complain
And you won't
Because we're not together anymore
But we still talk
We still want to work things out
I don't want to do anything to risk that
Either by going out and ignoring you like you did to me
Or saying "Hey, maybe we could get together next month?"
No
I have to sit and be patient
When we broke up you said you didn't want me to wait or be locked up
And I'm not
I just hate this feeling of not being able to say things like these
Normal things
That couples say
"Hey, lets go out. Make weekend plans. How next week sounds to you?"
I hate it
I hate not being able to do that
I miss it more than I hate it not being able to say it
I miss it
I miss it
I miss it
I miss it
I miss it
Will we ever be all right?
Is this the right path?
My greatest fear is that what happened to you
Will happen to me
You not caring at all about us being together
Being a couple
That I'll also lose hope and interest
And we'll be lost
I don't want anyone or anything else
But I want more than this
I want things to be all right
I'm trying to do the right things
Say the right things
But your lack of interest will fuck me up
I am sure of that
I will always love you
But feeling you're loving a person that doesn't love you back
It damages you
We're not there yet
Everything is too raw
You're going through everything else
And even though you were the one texting me when we're broken up
I could've just said it won't work out like this
But I didn't
I was eager and anxious for you.
I understand what's happening
And I want to be there for you
Don't want to run away because shit gets hard
I told you that
But I don't know
Don't want to feel like this is one-sided
Even when I was an asshole when we argued in the past
I never put something like being together
Behind us
I mean, that's one of the reasons that held us for so long
Because it's fucking amazing
Do I sound selfish?
I don't mean to
I want to do right by you
I still believe in us
And I'm sure if we can work things out
You and I will both know
What we've done
What needs to be done
And make up for this time
Hopefully, many vacation days lie ahead of us
Together.
So, I went to the beach
With my brother
I almost felt guilty
How silly is that?
You barely talked to me when I told you I was going
Then you just said you were grumpy and tired
I did nothing wrong
Yet, I feel guilty as fuck
I did nothing you don't do
I didn't even ignore you
I messaged you
Saying we arrived
Even tried to start a conversation
But you ended it quickly
We barely talked afterwards
Why do I feel like shit
For being 2 hours with my brother on a silly village beach?
But I told you
When you came, we would go to one
And you said that was a good idea
It's this kind of things I'm holding on to
Small things you say
If you say it's a good idea, that means you'll come one day
Right?
Right?
:(
I feel so pathetic
I still feel I'm trying my best
I refrain from texting too much so you can rest
But there was a time
Not so long ago
Where I said
"I'm sorry, I'm talking too much."
And you replied
"Don't. I'm loving it."
How things change
How hard I fell for you
How hard it's hitting me now
I don't want you in a bad mood every time we talk
But if we decide not to
You'll end up texting me anyway
And you won't be as moody
We all have bad days
But shit, S.
This is killing me
You have no idea the mental effort it was
To even decide
I was going out
I just don't like being outside
I really don't
But should I just stay in my room
Texting you some times
And hoping you're on a good day?
I want everything back to our normal
We talked without worries
I had no other needs
I didn't have to make that effort
Probably will never happen
I feel no love from you
At all
Last time I did
Was that day
You called me right before dinner with your friend
You drank a bit
And you poured your heart out
I felt you there
I really did
So, something is still there
It just doesn't come out very often
You're angry at me
At all the million things I did
"I have a thousand reasons to leave this relationship"
"I want out of this relationship"
And you did
We're not in a relationship
But it seems like nothing really ended
Yet
It's been a slow death
A slow painful death
Maybe I'm wrong
I hope I am
I hope all the anger you have at me will disappear
What am I to do in the meantime?
You say to live my life
Easy for you to say
You're not retarded like me
It'll never be easy for me
Never
I'm hoping against hope
That you'll find the love you have for me
And give it again
Even if I don't deserve it sometimes
Else, what are we doing?
I'm easing your part of the breakup
Because you know I'm here waiting for you?
Until you find someone else?
You wouldn't that to me
Would you?
I think not
Not to me
Not to me
Not to us
This is just a shit time
I should have my shit together already
If I had a job already
And I could say you could come and live with me
Would all of this have happened?
I can't stop blaming myself
Would you rebuild your life
If I had the chance
To provide for you?
Would you change cities?
Would you buy a house with me?
Would you marry me?
Would you have my children?
We used to have answers to all of this
I'm trying to, but it all takes time
I was dumb in the past
Blame it on my depression
You can'see past tomorrow
Last thing I was thinking 7 years ago when you were moving with someone else
Was
I need to pursue my dreams and then maybe she'll want me
I was just too hurt
Not heartbroken like this
Because we didn't have anything
But I was hurt
I just wanted to leave
Everything behind
Foolish of me
All of this
Could've been completed years ago
I'd be established already
I can't stop blaming myself
Yet, it was your choice
To be with him
To do everything you did with him
Why do I have to be guilty about that?
Why am I?
Why do I feel like it's my fault?
If I did things differently we wouldn't be going through this
I have to think if you did things differently no one would be in this mess
I don't know
2 years ago I thought it was the right time
Because it was when it finally happened
You had no doubts in your heart
I never had them in mine
But you didn't
For the first time
I could have you
So, for me
2 years was the perfect time
Even if I was just starting to get my life back on track
To do right by us
Now, I feel it's all pointless
Why should I do a Ph.D.?
4 years for what?
Not having you?
A slightly better chance at the career I want?
Without you?
It's like 7 years ago
I can't see anything but today
I can't see a future
I can't see anything
I try
and I try
And I try
I imagine
The best possible scenario
But my mind says no
Not going to happen
You'll just end up in debt
And end up bagging groceries anyway
At least you'll have a diploma saying you're a Doctor, right?
Totally worth
This is not your fault
I made my own choices
In the past
I just thought I was doing the right ones now
For us
But even this
It seemed too easy
And I'm getting no callbacks
I lost count to how many resumes I've sent
I have a fucking master's
I'm technically more qualified than...what 80% of EVERYONE?
How does that not land me a job
I'm applying to supermarkets ffs
Maybe it's the pandemic
The depression that is coming
If I get the doctorate I'll be in the 1% of the most qualified people in Portugal
Is that what will take it?
4 more years?
Is that it?
I don't know
I'll certainly try
If I can survive until then
But
A doctorate is a different beast than a master's thesis
No guarantee I'll be able to do it
Might be just a waste of time
But that's the plan
I'm talking too much about myself again
I wish I could make everything all right with you
I really do
I still beg and pray
To God
To all the Gods
To the universe
To help you
Will anyone heed my call?
It's selfless
Even if you choose not to stay with me
I want you to be all right
We barely say good night anymore
Each day it becomes shorter
And shorter
No more I love you
Tonight was
Just "Good night, J."
I know it probably seems I'm just reporting shit as it happens
But this is what I'm talking about, you know?
The things that are being lost.
I fought back
I sent you a kiss
Don't care if you only said that
But I hope it won't become the norm
Our good nights were special
Not too long
But at least 2 to 4 lines with an I love you in the end
They were sweet
I miss them
Add them to the list
What else will be gone before all of this is over?
I want to do right by you
But you're making it so hard
Say what you will about me
I never gave you this much shit
For such a long time
I feel like I'm being punished
You're the one who chases after me when we stop talking
Am I fool in answering back?
Shit
Maybe I am
I'm just being retarded by trying to talk about normal things?
Make you laugh?
Do I deserve a fucking Good night, J.?
After all we've been through
I don't mean to sound angry
But I think I am
I think I'm starting to believe I deserve more
Fuck
You love someone
You treat them well
Sure, argue and curse and shout when things get heated
But always go back to normal
Don't punish me forever
Don't hold me down
I feel like shit most days
I'm going through my benzos like candy
I never know how you'll react to anything
I think I do deserve more
I don't want to walk away
I never will
But I deserve more
If I say that
You'll agree with me
And we'll be back to not talking again
Since we're still broken up
I'm just afraid
That all this love
All this guilt
All this will I have
To make things right
Will go away
Because you're not recognizing it
Am I being unfair?
I always think that
That I can't ask too much of you with everything that's going on
But shit, man
There's a minimum
I don't want to come across too whiny
As I said before
I'm writing things as they happen
Mostly therapeutic
Since I'm unable to do anything else
I haven't touched a game in 2 weeks
I sold my account for good cash
I just turn on the PC to send resumes
And write this
This is not even a poem anymore
It's just a rant at this point
But I don't care
If we ever go back to being okay
I'll write about that too
For example
You said thanks for the good night message I sent you yesterday
You also said I have a manly face which you like
You told me about the bikini you sold
You said sorry when you took too long to answer
But everything changed when I said I was going to the beach
Shit
Even before
When I went and took a bath because it's so fucking hot
In my mind I think you think that I'm taking a bath so I can go out on some sort of date
Why else would you become upset at that?
I can't tell you I have cut my hair and trimmed my beard
You'll think it's for other girls
When in fact, I did it when we were not talking
And I needed a shave and a haircut
Can you understand what I go through?
I know how you think
I'll tell you that
And you'll just
"Doesn't matter anymore"
Why?
Because we're no longer together
You like to remind me of that
When things get real
So, I can't tell you simple shit like this
I go and take a bath outside
Like in the Affair, the show
Remember?
We watched that show together and we loved it
I go and do that
And you're suddenly a different person
I tell you I'm going to the beach
With my brother
And no one else
And you barely talk to me the rest of the day
I can't understand it
Well, I can
But I can't
Because it's like you want me
But you don't to admit it
So you just get mad
Because you don't want to admit you're wrong
Or you're doing the wrong thing about us
Or you're just so convinced that being apart is the best for both of us
That you simply don't know how to react when I do things differently
Shit
You're the one who's different
Not me
I'm coping
And adapting
It will be august soon
I already said you have vacation days
I really think
If we don't see each other sometime in the next month
Things will be over for real
I hope I'm wrong
I really do
I want to make things right
But I'm not an idiot
Will you be alone when you go down south?
You didn't say
You surely didn't invite me
I'm 99% certain it's not another guy
I asked you already and you had no reason to lie
Especially after I gave you an way out
Will you stay a whole week alone in August in the summer time?
I don't think so
You'll plan something
With someone
And I'll have to accept it
Accept everything
It will be almost half a year since we last saw each other
I don't know if I can do it
All I do is worry
And cry
And put on a happy face for you
I'm no victim here
You're not promising anything
But there's a proper way to do things
I really think next month will decide everything
I hope you'll love me still
Like I do
I just want to be okay.
Everything was set to be a shitty day
I knew you were mad at me
Going to the beach
I can only imagine why
Since it only came up after we argued
I asked you a question
Didn't mean to start a fight
But we did
I asked something that was on my mind
You took offense
Rightfully so, I might add
But it's just where a guy's mind goes
When his girlfriend leaves him
I didn't accuse you of anything
Just asked
If something was up
We ended up talking for hours
You said there was nothing
I explained why I asked
Then we started to talk about
Other things
Things that happened so long ago
Thins we did
and said
To each other
It felt good to put it all out there
We ended up on a good note
We even played a version of dictionary all the afternoon
And watched Netflix in the evening
Nothing changed
Not really
You made a point
Of saying
That we're really over
That I should move on with my life
That you were with nobody because you simply didn't want to be with anyone
Me included I guess
You said I had nothing to do with it
I disagreed
Because
I gave you an out some days ago
I told you if there was nothing we could do to solve this
We'd be over for real
No contact
No texts
No nothing
I don't know if you ended up agreeing with me
But I do know
It was a positive talk
We both ended up sad
You said when things would begin again
They'd have to be done right
We never had much help, you said
From the universe
I'm not sure I agree with that one
I told you that we should've started 16 years ago
I told you about the message that changed everything
That I would never have sent
If I knew you were about to get married
I had no idea
You didn't tell me
So I asked you
To pick me
To choose me
And you did
I learned about everything else later
It was a shock really
But you called everything off
The truth is it wasn't that simple
But I don't want to go there
I told if I knew about it I wouldn't have sent it
You replied it would've worked anywhere
Anytime
Even married with kids
My heart melt
We talked
Then I said something
You once told me
That no matter where I was or what I would be doing
You could come and pick me up.
We stopped the conversation there
After a few more words
We played all afternoon
Netflix in the evening
It was a normal day for us
From back then
It puts a smile on my face
But I know it won't last
That's fucked up
I'm already scared of tomorrow
We'll talk
I'm sure
But probably not much
Going to be sunny as well
You'll head up to the beach probably
No point being stuck at home
It will be like last weekend
And there's nothing I can do or say
Because we're not together
Even if we were
There'd be nothing wrong with it
It's just
The dismiss of it all, you know?
The feeling I simply don't exist
But today
This friday
I didn't go the train station
I was with you
In a way
We said our good nights
Same as the last few days
Short and dry
The I love you is gone
But that's to be expected
I'm starting to wonder
For real
If this is the best we can do
Or the best I can do
The best for us
I'm a strong believer of no contact
But I'd just miss you
And we tried and you talked to me
I couldn't not answer back
I don't want to be rude
If you talk to me
I'll talk to you
If I see you making an effort
I'll interpret that
As
A sign
Am I being stupid?
Are you just playing me?
Or do you really still love me
And this is the way we have to do things for a while
For everything to be all right?
I don't know
I really don't
I'll never stop loving you
That's about the only thing I do know
I'll never stop wanting you to be well
How come it's so hard for us
The ones in love
To see?
To truly see?
I can look from outside
And say
She's playing me
That I shouldn't be talking to her
She doesn't want me
She doesn't get to talk to me
Know things about me
But
I still care for her
I still want to know things about her
And she tells me
In the good days
It feels like we're back to boyfriend and girlfriend
In the good days
I'm not sure of what will happen tomorrow and after
But this friday
I know
The 17th
Was good
It was a good day for us
You taught me things I didn't know about
You actually paid attention to me
We didn't annoy each other
There was no bullshit small talk just to fill the time
We were 2 best friends again
I want more of course
And If it doesn't happen
I'll accept it
But at least
Today
I can smile for a few seconds
Before fogging up
And I know you felt good as well
So, this 17th
Was good.
We'll see about tomorrow
And sunday
And most importantly
August
August will be the crucial month for us
It will be 6 months almost
Without seeing each other
You have many vacation days
If you're still not sure of what to do by then
I think
I'll have to make that decision
Even if we're to be together in the future
Sometimes you just have to let things go
Especially things you love
Let them flourish
Let them realize their full potential
Be happy for them
And smile
For a few seconds.
A little morning update
You didn't care much for the 2nd good night I always send
I guess that's okay
We started out fine
You were in a good mood
And suggested finishing our series
You cracked some jokes
We laughed
It was good
Now
Halfway through the show
You start to get mad and annoyed
You ignored our "sign"
'11.11' because we started dating on the 11th
I guess that's okay as well
We're not together anymore
But you got so angry
And mad
By being on the cellphone
Because
It hurts your hands
You don't have the patience for series anymore
Now you remember why you stopped watching Netflix
You apologized and left
Needless to say
We built our relationship over texting
Since we were always so far apart
We had many dates over the years where we'd just watch movies
And make fun of them
Shit
We watched 5 episodes of this one before you got mad and annoyed
What's this?
I'm so pathetic I'm blaming it on your phone being too big
You have small hands
And that iPhone is a monstrous thing
Your old phone was more ergonomic
Easier to text
That's what I'm saying to myself
You understand
How stupid I sound?
You don't want to text
Or talk anymore
Because your fucking phone is too big
And your hands too small
I don't consider myself dumb at all
But shit
I am dumb
What the fuck is this
What are we doing
What the fuck am I doing
What am I expecting
I want to go away
fuck
Maybe you'll start to miss me
If you know I really mean it
But I can't
I just
Can't
I don't want to remember these things
But I'm typing them
I guess sooner or later
We'll both have to face the music
It's really over
I know you've been trying
Yesterday was proof of that
But nothing seems to help
And every step forward we take
It doesn't take long
For us to find ourselves 5 steps behind
I could say I'm sorry again
But
I know it's not my fault
It has not been my fault for some time now
Regardless of everything
I don't talk to anyone about this
Because I know what they'll say
They'll hate you
they'll say you're playing with me
That I should just put a real end to this charade
I know all of it
That's why I don't tell
Because I know the answers
Why can't give those answers to myself?
Easy
Because I love you
And I love everything about you
And I still hope
Hope
That's a good name to describe me
It's all I do
Hope
Hope
Hope
I'm losing myself
Love isn't lost
or found
It isn't random
Something so powerful couldn't be
It's just
There
In its space
Waiting for one to keep his eyes opened
And the other to open hers
It's a beautiful kind of sadness really
One has to love and not be loved back
The other is loved without knowing or caring for it
Both miss what is
What could've been
What will be
It's tragic
It's a noose
Something in your stomach
Heart
And eyes
It overwhelms to the point
You can't take it anymore
It can destroy you
And it will
Every second
The Angel
Towers over you
The gods are keeping her this time
They answered
Go join them
Get your wings
And fly
Fly
Fly
Away from here
'Your time is done'
They say
One more second passes
And one more
And one more
You'll run out like this
But you won't care
Will you?
There's something about
Being touched by the light
You won't care for anything else
Why should you
Why would you
You had that one second
And you missed it
The Angel is gone
I still want to be happy
That feeling we shared
I want that
It feels so far off in the distance now
But I'll never lie
I want it
Right here
Close to me
I can't imagine what you're going through
I really can't
Because I don't know what it's like
I can only talk about me
Every day has become a gamble of sorts
I knew today would be bad
Because yesterday it was too good
It felt too much
Like ourselves
I'm not having the best of thoughts
Not about you
About me
If it's all worth it
If I lost you
What's the point, right?
There's this voice in the back of my head
Hammering in
You're worthless
You're nothing
You fucked up so bad not even HER wants you anymore
What a fucking idiot
Just do it already
You won't ever be happy again
Not going to happen
Not without her
And she's gone, buddy
She might say it's not forever
But you know what that means
You know
What you'll be going through the rest of your life
A repeat of the last 16 years
Times one hundred thousand
Because now you know what it tastes like
That love you always yearned
You know it
You can feel the remnants of it
And they break you
They destroy what's left of you
Worst of all, you fucking piece of shit
In this love of yours
This would be something you'd be sharing with her right now
But you can't
You can't
And you want to know why?
Because she won't care
And if she did
It would be out of pity alone
Not out of love
You're alone now
You'll forever be alone
I showed you how to do it
Find a good place
Say your goodbyes
And do it
It'll go away
All of it
You won't be a fucking idiot anymore
Or a piece of trash
Worthless who can't even do anything right
You'll probably fuck it up the first time as well
Will you ever tell her how many times you tried?
I hope you won't
She'll never be with you
There's no love anymore
Only pity
Is that what you want?
Pity from her?
But I still believe
I can make it
Through
It's not her fault
or anyone else's
It's just how I'm wired
How everything happened
You're right
I fucked up so much not even her wants me
I truly am alone
But I want to believe
This duality of feelings
Of voices in your head
Almost seems like a double personality type of thing
In a way, I guess it is
You have one voice telling you
'Here, it's that easy'
And the other saying
'It's not easy, but it will get better'
And you don't believe in either
I want to help her
Make everything okay
I think you're doing the best you can or know
You can't force your way into someone's feelings
You love her, right?
More than life
Would it make her sad?
If you disappeared
Would it help her in any way?
I don't think so.
I don't know what she'd feel.
Then why would you do it.
The source of your pain is the lack of love she offered you
The warmth she gave you
The validation
The attention
Feeling worthy
Sharing a life
It's not her exactly
It's just what she gave you
And I fucked it all up.
Maybe you did
Maybe it's all your fault
Although I very much doubt that
But what if it is?
Don't you want her to be happy?
A smile on her face no matter what?
I'd give my life for that
That's why...
See, you piece of crap
That's the logic conclusion
She'll be happier when you're gone
No more lingering feelings
No more guilt over having to love you
Or whatever she thinks happened
The illusion is gone
And destroyed
She adored you
And you fucked it up
I
I...
It's not that simple, you know?
Death is very much permanent
Like your love for her will always be
Even if it's not mutual
It's there
And it's beautiful
You're capable of it
What's the point of love someone who doesn't love you back?
Love is selfless.
I don't know what to do
The days aren't easy
Or becoming easier
THey're harder and harder
Every day it's like I've discovered a new type of sadness
Because it isn't always the same
It's always different
All 3 of us are you
You know what to do
You're talking to yourself
About yourself
Because it's easier to put in dialogue
Endure
Life isn't always easy
Mine felt like it never was
Maybe it'll become easier
In time
I want to believe that
So, I'm here wondering
We're talking
That small talk that we both hate
But it's better than nothing
And ignoring each other
But I'm here wondering
Really
What future do we have?
Will you come to me?
WIll I go to you?
Would that work?
Will you want me there with you even?
For a time you did
In the beginning
I always thought it was too soon
And it was
You don't move in with you girlfriend and have babies in the first months
Even if we knew each other 15 years prior
But what of now?
You want out of your job
You basically will go anywhere
Just as I would
What if you end up
1000km away?
What then?
Will you make the effort?
Or
Will that be one more reason for you list
To stay apart
Even my decision
I'm split
I can go there
Close to you
But
We're not together
It'd be a gamble
Maybe I could get a better job
But that's no guarantee
That was the plan
Wasn't it?
After my master's we'd figure it out
Where I would go
I could go and take my Phd lessons 1 or 2hours away because it was only 1 day per week
And the rest I was with you
Working wherever
It would work
But what if you move out of the country?
You're desperate to leave that job
And I'm not seeing you planning
For the "us" part
I'm not being unfair
You do what you have to do
I just wanted to know
You'd be willing to work it out
Finally start our life together
I'm not rich
It wouldn't be a luxury life
Except for you and your paycheck
But I would have none of it
That's all yours
I'd just live with you
Pay half the rend and bills and groceries
Have kids and be happy
No matter if I was at a supermarket
Or giving classes in a nearby university
I wouldn't care
I don't care
I just wanted to be with you
I want to plan things with you in mind
I want to decide things with us in mind
But here I am
Knowing nothing
Having to decide as if I was to be alone
For the rest of my life
Without you
For the rest of my life
And it breaks my heart
It does
I'm 32
You're the love of my life
I can't promise that life you had before
Even if I do get a good job
You did things I'd never dream of doing
Multiple trips per year
Paying thousands of dollars
For bags
Cellphones
Whatever
I can't promise that
I can promise to love you every day for the rest of my life
And working hard
To make you smile
And try and make things easier
I can promise I'll try to do the best I can
So you can even quit that job you hate
And do whatever you want to do
Without worries
But that's not now
That will take a bit of time
I want it
I want it badly
But now it seems
That's not what you want
Or need
And I'm left here wondering
Overthinking
Overanxious
Every time the phone vibrates
I'm afraid to read the message
I tremble
It will either be you mad or not caring
Or you'll be normal and sweet and loving
I think you'd say "that's how I felt for an entire year"
Fair enough
I can't remember every single day
But I know
I never broke things off "for good"
I always apologized and tried to work things out
I fixed many issues
Even if others remained
I never tried not seeing for half an year
I never said I don't want to be with you
Not like this
This is another level of not being able to care
Or love the other person
I know you're trying your best
And I know you don't forget things
And you have resentments from things over 2 years ago
That should've been long forgotten
Maybe we shouldn't have fixed things in our first big fight
That I don't even know what it was about
Most people would see that as a red flag
Maybe
I don't know
But I always knew I loved you
I got mad
But it went away
Always
I made you suffer sometimes
Without need
Without knowing even
Never on purpose
Shit
I think I'm off topic now
I don't know what the future holds
Both for me individually
And for us as a couple
And that scares me
It scares me to death
I can't sleep thinking about it
I'm still going through diazepam like it's candy
I can't keep calm
You ask how I am
And I can't say I'm feeling like shit
Don't want to add that to your day
You have enough to worry about
I'd like to though
Solve everything you say we need to solve
But "it's not the right time"
Wonder when it will be
I'm scared
I'm truly scared
Of doing everything wrong again
I wanted your guidance
Our plan again
Your hand
Holding mine
I'm that little boy again
Lost
Confused
Unknowingly walking around
Crying for someone to find him
I'm that boy
And I need you
I do
I need you so bad
I need you to say everything will be all right
If you do this, we can do that
If you do that, we can do this
I want to know I'm not making any mistake
That you'll be with me
Even if I am
Because it seems I have a talent for it
Mistakes that is
I miss the I love you as well
I miss saying you're my girlfriend
I miss saying I miss you
I miss everything
Everything
That I miss about you
Are the things that I can't find in me anymore
And I'm afraid
Of
What's left of me to give after all this
Won't be...
Enough
There's a reason I was like I was in the beginning
I put up walls higher than the tallest mountain
I didn't want to get hurt again
Well, fucking look at me now
What I did to prevent it
Helped caused it.
What a fucking joke really
You're here
But you're not really here
We talk to each other
And as soon as anything meaningful comes up
You dismiss it
You sent me a picture
It was sweet
A couple
I replied
Not too eager
I was sweet as well
I sent another picture back
One I had saved up
For some time now
But couldn't send at the time because all of this
You made a joke about it
I had to say it was meant to you
You barely acknowledged it
I have many more
I want to send everything
And say everything
But why?
You'll just remember me
Again
That we're not together
It hurts
I'm keeping all of this to myself
It keeps adding up
Reminds of before
When none of us had the courage to admit how we felt
Now it's the opposite
Now we're too scared to admit it
Or if we do
Nothing changes
Because...
Well, you tell me.
Everything is just hard
One step forward
Two steps back
It really feels like I'm only here to cushion some of the damage
Until you can get on with your life
Mornings are hard
They're a gamble
Random
In the evening it seems you can't get away fast enough
During the day...
There are times
Not many
It really feels like we're just friends
I don't do friendzone
Can't do it
Won't do it
I won't be the one who will help you find someone
Else
It sucks
And I can't get away
Because I always miss you
Always
Always
But I feel so small
Like a little ant
Ready to be crushed
At any moment.
I find myself imagining
A perfect life
That of a fool dreams of
Try as I might
I can't
I can't get past today
And today
I hate it
Another nothing day
Day of nothing
You have no idea
Or if you do
You don't care
Or can't
We've been through this
I certainly won't tell you
But who can I tell?
Today I walked around the woods
I picked my own tree
I sat in its shadow
I shared my woes with it
It said nothing back
On the account of being a tree, you see
Only the wind howling
And leafs falling
Suddenly I'm not alone anymore
It's just me.
Couldn't sleep tonight
Talked in the morning
Said I couldn't do this no more
I can't just be friends
You agreed
We talked for hours after that
I don't know if this is the right choice
But I couldn't do it anymore
I love you
And I need you
I don't want to feel 2nd best, 3rd best, 4th best.
I want to feel like you love me
Argue all you want
Of all the shit I did
I'll be the first to apologize
But we're not that broken
To justify this
Bent, maybe.
Remember?
Never ever broken
I didn't want to ruin your day
You already got plans and everything
So, I think you'll be all right
At least better than me
That's fine by me
I wouldn't want anyone in my shoes
Especially not you
But
Can't ask for what isn't there
And every single morning without our "Good morning<3"
Every single night without our "Good night. I love you<3"
Or something like that
"You're the love of my life, never forget that. Sleep well. I love you<3"
I may sound lame
But
Nowadays it's just "Little kiss. Good night"
We wake up and it feels like a chore for you to answer
You said you also felt bad at times
That you understood
Respected
That you knew it had to come to this
It didn't have to
But
It has to be
At least I'll leave the relationship with some dignity
I just hope you'll remember me fondly
And not like a bad boyfriend
Many things didn't help us
The universe always tore us apart
And now that we seemed to be ready
Almost there
Everything happens
Everything is doubts
And fears
And anxieties
And a "thousand reasons" not to be in this relationship
I'll hold on to your last I love you
Forever
In my heart
I'll save it
Nurture it
Never forget it
Even with all the arguments
I loved these 2 years with you
I'll always be yours
In a way or another
Come and get me
Anywhere
Anytime.
It's a rainy day
Thunderous claps threaten
Our souls
All I can think of is how good
It feels
The rain on my face
Hiding my watery eyes
I'm writing this with pain in my fingers
Not from typing too much
But the words that come out
Physically hurt
How come true love didn't win in the end?
Because I believe it is true love
You won't ever believe me
These words that are not spoken
Written
Said
Read
They're all I have now
I do try to react
But I'm not like you
I'm a depressed anxious mess
You made me feel better
You were there through the worst of it
You suffered the worst of it
My outbursts
My episodes
I was so sorry
I am so sorry
Now it all came back
To haunt us
Every little detail that you can't forget
Every time I didn't care as much
Every time I was feeling down
Every time I did something
And you misinterpreted
Shit
Social media was half our problems
And for what?
Nothing
Stupid shit
Such stupid shit
I lost so much
Probably deserved it
But I wanted it back
I want to feel like I belong
I said it before
I want to feel like I matter to you
Like I'm the first person you can turn to
You said "You're not the right person" to tell some things
It hurt
It implies you hide things from me
Not that everyone doesn't have secrets
But this was important business
And I was left out
Excluded
In one day
One phone call
And your life changed
And mine with yours
I'd never imagined I'd be the first to go
I didn't react well
It was like going backward
And you refused any of my help
Little as it could be
I would try
I will try
Well, I guess now
Not anymore
But I would
I would give anything to make you smile
Shit
I miss you
I miss your smell on my clothes
I miss finding strands of your hair on my bed
I miss the excitement
The love
I miss it all
You were the only one who could truly understand me
My joys
My goals
My ambitions
My pain
My suffering
But you misunderstood it
You always thought it was related to other things
That I won't mention
So, I had to stop sharing my bad days
My episodes
My panic attacks
My anxiety
What was the result?
Bad days
Where I could be rude to you
Or a bit distant
Days that you'll remember forever
And are foggy in my memory
You were the only one who could truly see me
As I was
As I am
We're soulmates
I know that much
I always thought love was enough
For anything
And the love I feel for you
It could create universes
Wish you could see it
But maybe you just don't care that much
Someone with a heartbreak doesn't do the things you do
Maybe I'm assuming too much
I believe you when you said you'll love me forever
But I think you got over this relationship a long time ago
Now, here we are
I want to write beautiful things
Things that make you smile
Little poems at night
For a good morning
And I can't
I'm restricted to this
Wonder if I'll ever make this public
Wonder if you'll ever read it
If anyone would read it
It's too long
Just a diary of sorts
I'll write as long as I can
I'll try to write happy things as well
Like all the times we couldn't take the eyes off each other
The first time we kissed
The first time we slept together
Back in march
If I knew I'd never see you again
I wouldn't have let you go
For real
I would make it work somehow
I'd convince you
I still can't believe that was the last time
It's not fair
It's not fair
It's not fair
It's not fair
I didn't know
I didn't know
We're supposed to be more than this
We were magic
We inspired others
Ours was a true love story
Fuck
Here I am again
Assuming you're feeling a fraction of what I'm feeling
You're so over this
It actually amazes me
I'm also a little proud
Now, all I can do
Is survive
In a world without you
Good luck to me.
Waking up to a morning
Where the sun shines
But I can't see it
In the distance, I can make out
The tree
Its shadow
Calling for me.
It's July 22
And I'm not all right
It's for the best I keep telling myself
But the best feels like the worst.
And the worst is living hell.
Often I find myself
Imagining your smile
Remember the wishes we made
In that historical place
I'd give anything to be there again
I don't know what to say anymore
Except
That all of this is slowly killing me
I feel it
I really do
I decided I'm stopping all medication
I don't care if I don't sleep
The side effects are bullshit
I'll probably get worse
But I just don't care
Anymore
I deserve this pain
The pain
And despair that will greet me
I deserve all of it
Then I remember your smile
Your jokes
How you made me laugh
I miss it so much
And it's only been a day
I can't imagine weeks
Months
Years
Of this
It won't happen
One way or the other
I'm tired of suffering
I'm tired of being misunderstood
I'm tired of being how I am
We should be more than our relationships
Right?
Not me
My value was validated by you
Because
You were always there
My best and oldest friend
Finally being able to call you my girlfriend.
Always calling on my bullshit
And encouraging me when I needed
All of that stopped
Even while we were dating
That interest you had in me
In my things
I could never quite understand why it did stop
You said it was because of too much work
But I suspect it's just another thing
That made you mad
And you took it away from us
You used to read all my papers
Proofread them
Detecting little mistakes
I'd ask you if it made sense
My logic, that is
You'd answer
You'd help
All of that stopped
Was it really just work?
Or some resentment you held?
I can't tell anymore
Every time we talk about things
There's always something new
That I can barely remember
That I said or did
Even though you also said too many things
That shouldn't be said ever
My stomach turns
Imagining you saying "I do"
Kissing him
But I won't go there
You deserve better
It was just for context
I forgave you
We loved each other
That's what matters, right?
That's what I believe
Even now
I'll never stop believing it
If you're true
If you love me
We'll find a way
That's just how it is
If we don't
It's because it wasn't true
And I know
It won't be because of me
I'll try not to cry anymore
Over this
Over you
But it's fucking hard
It's so fucking hard
We could be together
We are hugging
Kissing
Laughing
Making fun of everyone else
Making fun of each other
Making plans
Strolling on the beach
Shit
Now I got myself feeling even worse
Couldn't sleep
I didn't take the medication
Is it fucked up?
I want to feel worse.
Because if I feel worse
I'll have more courage?
I keep saying
It's not fair
Not fair
Not fair
But who can judge that
I just stare at my phone
20 hours per day
Knowing you'll never come
I do nothing
Go to bed
Go to my desk
Write something here
Stare at the silence
Wishing I was somebody else
Wishing
Imagining a life
That will never be mine
Void
My heart is racing
I won't take the diazepam
I'm having a panic attack
But I won't take it
Hope it kills me
My heart just gives in
No one can blame for that
Weak of heart
Cause of death
General unwillingness to exist
I feel things though
It's not like I'm emotionless
Wish I was
I'm just feeling all the wrong things
Guilt most of all
The guilt of things in the past (what could I have done?=
The guilt of the present (could I be doing something different?)
The guilt of the future (what should I do?)
Remorse
Guess that's related to guilt
Despair
Sense of overwhelming weight
The feeling that nothing will be all right
I won't ever be happy again
You know
All the good old feelings
I could numb myself
Watch the days go by
Stuck in time
Again
Waiting for you to love me.
Hello there
The angel from my nightmare
16 years.
What can I say about a broken heart that hasn't been said before?
Everything.
Everything aches
I lied
I couldn't do it
I had to take it
5mg
I was on 10 before
I don't drink or anything
So, I'm not at risk
Of anything in particular
I don't engage in many self-destructive behaviors
Except for self-isolation
I just...
Can't.
At least no yet.
I had five minutes of goodwill
Asked my brother to go out to a beach
Changed my mind not long after
I just ended up on my room
All day
I go to the gym and I read
Wait for news about some jobs
Obsess over my phone to check on you
You're living your life
Why shouldn't I?
The answer is quite simple
I just can't
I'm mentally and physically unable to function.
I don't care if this isn't healthy or whatever the fuck
People like to call relationships that breakup
And one doesn't react well
"oh, that's codependency, not real love. You should have your own life."
Stfu, bitch
I have my own life
S. was just a big part of it
A huge part of it
Probably all.
No one can love this much and just be happy and smiles
No one
If you can
You didn't love, not really
Or you're a psychopath
Which says you didn't truly love.
I'll admit it
I'm full stalker mode
On Whatsapp only
You know how it is
I open your window
Say I love you
And close it
Is that healthy?
For a relationship that is over
Am I even trying to move on?
Probably not
I don't want to
I want you
Still
I'll always want you
I wear the invisibobble every day
It serves as the symbol of what we had
You were supposed to give me a new one
Back in march
This one is too loose
But I'm taking good care of it
I hope it'll never break
Only bend
Never
Ever
Break.
I couldn't take it
My heart was popping
My head exploding
I was twitching and snarling in my bed
I couldn't take it
I had to
I'm not ashamed
Meds work
They exist for a reason
I wanted to stop everything
To feel worse
To feel this pain whole
This love deserves that
This loss isn't something to be covered it
Only cowards hide from something like this
Bukowski said
It has been a beautiful fight. Still is.
I don't know what he was referring to
But you and I, S.
We were beautiful.
Saw you typing twice yesterday
You ended up saying nothing
I thought that
It mustn't be that important
If it was
You'd call
Not text
If you'd miss and wanted to work things out
You'd call
Not text
Maybe you were asking if you could call
But that's wishful thinking
I'm starting work next Monday
And I can't even tell you about it
It's a summer job and I'm not sure about salary/conditions
But it's in research
All I want is to call you and tell you
Share this
But I can't
I'll be breaking what we agreed
And it would just be another reason
For you to justify what you think is the higher moral position
"You're better off without me"
I hate when you say that
"You're going so well. Everything is great for you. You need me."
I don't even know what to think about that
Is that something you say when you don't like someone anymore?
"It's me, not you"?
Are you just so broken and damaged that you can't even see
That someone who loses what we had
Would NEVER be all right?
I could earn a billion dollars today
I'd give it all away
To be with you
A love and a hut, that's an expression we use
Maybe I shouldn't have tried to have a better future
So we could live better in the long term
It ruined everything
I could've moved in with you
Right away
I'd work wherever
We'd have a kid already
Everything would be all right
But nope
I wanted to improve myself
To try and have a better life
So I'd be worthy
And you'd be proud of me
Now
Look at us
Look at me
I don't know how you are
I suppose you're doing just fine
5 months now
Almost half a year we haven't seen each other
It kills me
Doesn't it bother you?
Not even a little a bit?
Don't you fucking miss my touch?
Seeing me?
Kissing me?
Don't you miss anything at all?
5 months
I know we only officially broke up
Recently
But I also know we had plans to see each other
And a stupid argument ruined it
And you didn't try to fix things
And I didn't try because it was so stupid
I couldn't believe you actually broke up with me over it
And that it'd serve almost as an excuse for you not to come
Every time I look back
I'd change that day
I know it
I know it deeply
You were supposed to stay almost an entire week
We would be so happy
You would forget about all the worries
Everything would be fine
You'd remember how we are
How we really are
Not this long-distance text thing
That would've been only 3 months without seeing each other
1 was due to the pandemic, so that doesn't really count
Still, all accounted for
Almost half a year
It kills me
Really
It kills me
Missing you like this
We're 3h away
I could go out
Enter my car
And we could have lunch together
That's how easy it is
Instead
It's like we don't exist in each other's world anymore
Yes
I know
We said the last I love you
I love you forever
You even said it wouldn't be the last time
I want to believe in that
But I don't want to live
One second
Without you
You know?
We're not immortal
We're wasting time
On things, we both know and feel
Do you know we'll end up together no matter what?
Did you mean it when you said you'll love me forever?
If so, this is just...
Wasting seconds
Wasting moments
We already lost 15 years
With stupid bullshit
I don't want to lose another 15
Not even seconds
I think I sound desperate
That's because I kinda am
I don't feel old
Or anything
But now that I know what life is with you
I can't go back
I don't want to
Aw
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
There's nothing I can really do, right?
I mean
I tried
I try
You know how I feel
You know what I want
I'll just have to convince myself
Of how you feel
Of what you want
And that
Unfortunately
Doesn't seem to include me.
It's Friday today
Don't think I'll go to the train station again
Waiting for that movie moment
That will never happen
Oh, it happened
Many times over
Imagining you
Walking those steps toward me
Is
Its own kind of reality.
You're everything I feel.
Oh,
Why do I miss you so
How can you be here
When you're gone
There are 5 stages to it, right?
Denial is long past
Anger as well
Bargaining?
I tried
Depression
That's it
I'm there
Almost forgot it existed
So funny
Why do I miss you so
Because I do
I do
I do
Love
You
Acceptance is the next
Why would I accept that reality
I could just as easily create my own
Look
I just got home from work
We gathered some promising data
Classes went well
You're there in the sofa
A glass of wine in your hand, red
Another ready for me, white.
You say hi and invite me over
I sit and I sip just a little bit
It's fresh and sweet
You always knew how to choose a good wine
I kiss you
On the lips
They're wet
But it don't matter
I put my arm around you
You cuddle into my chest
I ask how was your day
How was work
You reply that you're tired of meetings
But you worked well
Your boss is still annoying
But we're past the point of caring
I say you could quit
In this reality, I do have a good job
We can just have all the babies you want
And you can do whatever you want
You're always tempted to do it
But you don't want to depend on me
I understand that
Then I say you need to be happy
And I'll never leave and always love you
We're a team, remember?
You'll think about it
Always hardheaded when it came to decisions
I kiss you again
Now, a little more intention on it
We put the glasses down
And we love each other
One, two, three
I'm not here to brag, this is just how I am in this reality
We're exhausted
We drink some water to hydrate
You say you have a good feeling that it was today
F. is on its way
It's about time
After that it would L.
Or vice-versa
We cuddle for hours
Talking
In silence
Laughing
Making fun of stupid people on tv
Then I ask if you're hungry
Today is takeaway day
You're on a diet, but you don't care
Just today you say
Probably a pizza
I look at you eating it
A string of cheese is making its way to your chest
I laugh
We drink some more wine
God, it feels good
I say I love you
You say it back
We're still the same kids as were back then
Under the stars
I was always jealous of your blonde hair
Pretty soon it's time for bed
We hold hands
The volume on the tv is down to a minimum
You don't like it very loud
I need to feed the dog
You take care of the cat
We get up and I just
Hug you
As hard as I can
Because I will remember
These days
And how easy things can fall apart
I don't say anything
But I promise to never let that happen again
You hug me back
It's warm and sweet
I could be stuck in this moment forever
We should take a shower
But we're both too lazy today for it
All the petty chores done
We go to bed
We fool around
I still can't believe how lucky I am
How beautiful and smart you are
How could ever have chosen me?
Doesn't matter
This is my reality, I do what I want
We lie in the bed
Lights off
You always fall asleep first in my chest
You're close to my heart now
I whisper an I love you
Looking forward to tomorrow
Did I miss something?
Maybe some details
That was my day today
In my head
One of many days
There are others
Many variations
They all differ
But everything they have in common is
They're not what today really is
Or was.
It's Friday and I didn't go to the train station.
So
Here I am lying in my bed
I shape the covers
In such a way
I can hug them
I pretend it's you
How silly is that?
But it comforts me.
Reminds me
Of things
Those things
The good things
I'm afraid to fall asleep
And dream of you
Mornings are hard enough
Harder still
When I'm with you
In my world
Letting you go
For such an arbitrary reason as
Waking up
Isn't fair
I'd sleep an endless sleep
If you were there
I dreamt of you with another man
That was...
Hard.
Rather not see that again
But dreams are the only way to reach you
And I'm afraid to enter them
Because I know they'll eventually
Be over
You along with them
Another 20 hour day
Of staring into the silence
Looking for you everywhere
Redoing everything
Rethinking everything
Creating alternate worlds
Where we laugh together
Because in this one we're not together
I create so many of them
I remember them all
For now at least
One we're together since under the stars
Other we're happy living in a foreign country
In one we have 5 children that drives us mad
But you still love me
Already told you the one from today
Tomorrow will be more
No doubt
In Every single one
We're just happy
I leave out all the mistakes
And dumb arguments we had
Not that they didn't exist there
They just don't matter
We achieve
What others can only dream of
I'm day dreaming of course
I just don't want to fall asleep
And lose you again
When I wake up
Is all
It never gets easier
I'm sorry
If I could I would
Merge all of them
All the worlds
All the lives
EveryThing I conjured
Here
In this one
Happily ever after
Like in the stories
This is a never ending poem after all
It must tell a story
Although not a happy one
It is happy at times
Remember
Remember
We were walking on the boardwalk
Mr Brightside started playing ?
Remember remember
The Chinese restaurant
Remember remember
The episode we had to start a million times
Remember remember
Making fun of no-blinking Mark of love is blind
Remember remember
All the walks
Remember remember
All the high fives
Remember remember
Remember.
I'm going to meet you now
For some hours at least
Mornings are hard.
As I predicted
I had you in my dreams
We were together
Happy
Everything was all right
I curse the morning
For waking me
I forced myself to sleep
Try and find you again
It didn't work
Another day until I can see you
It's harder than it sounds
Waiting
Waiting
The worst is
It's not even the real you
It's just my brain
Making things up
But shit
It feels so good
I see you there
I hear you there
I remember it always
I don't forget
They've not been those that you do forget
Blame it on how I feel
But I wake up and it's like I was just right there with you
Laughing
Talking
And suddenly you're gone
Not even a chance to say goodbye
Mornings are hard
I hope you're well
Miss you.
For how long have I been writing this?
1 month?
It feels like nothing will ever get better or easier
I know what everyone says
It will
It will get easier
I just don't see it
I know it won't be today
I know it won't be tomorrow
I know it won't be next week
Month
Even year
Who can recover from the love of his life?
I start this paid summer program monday
It's 3 months and I don't even know
How much I will get exactly
If I'll like it
If it's the right choice
I mean
August is gone for me
But it was already gone when you were
I wanted to wait until your vacation to have that talk
My reasoning was
You have some vacation days now in August
Will you invite me for something?
Go down south with you maybe?
Try to do something together?
Should I wait in hope for that?
You mentioned your parents will be gone all month
Would you invite me over for a weekend?
I wanted to wait
I really did
But I couldn't handle it
Being treated as a friend
Fueling false hopes
Maybe you were thinking about it
But you didn't tell me
So, I'll just have to assume you weren't
Your vacation is your vacation
You deserve to rest
But I wouldn't mind spending a weekend there with you
You wouldn't have to do anything really
It's just
That hope
Was eating me inside
Every day that went by
Without yet any sort of plan
5 months, S.
It's been 5 months.
I know the pandemic and all
And we're broken up
But we could solve things, right?
Fuck
I was being selfish
I was just hoping
Like
Thinking "If August doesn't work out"
There's really nothing to do
But I couldn't handle it anymore
I had to break it off
For real
It's been the hardest thing
Well, it's not fair it was me
Since we'd still be together if it were up to me
But whatever
I broke off all contact
That's fair to say, right?
We broke up, but kept talking while you didn't want to get back together
That was doing things to my head I can't even start to explain
Even now
That we don't talk
It just spins
Spins
Spins
It's on an endless loop of
"What if?"
"What if?"
"What if?"
"What if?"
It just doesn't stop
Knowing nothing will be all right soon
Doesn't help
I mean
It's like what you said
The problems won't suddenly go away
Sure, you'll have some time soon
But that time doesn't belong to me
It's yours
You need it for yourself
I think I'd just get angry
If I knew you would be spending it with someone else
And not me
So, now
I'll simply will not know
I'll assume you won't spend almost a week alone
You'll make many plans
It's summer after all
But I won't know anything
I'll be working anyway
Am I making sense?
I don't want to be angry or get mad at things
That I think I deserve you should do for me
That I still think you should've done
Despite all
It's just
Saudades
The pain of not seeing you
You going on with your life
Like I was not your boyfriend
Or part of it
Wouldn't you feel the same?
If I did everything else with everyone else
Except you?
Because...
Shit, I can't even name the reasons
It's too hard to plan something with me?
It takes too long
The whole process is long
Not worth it
You want your weekends for yourself
Shit
I can understand all of that
But as I said many times before
At some point
In these many months
I think
It's worth it
I was counting on it for August
But
I realized I had no right
You were very clear
I gues what I'm trying to say is
I'm not seeing any of this
Getting easier
I was already depressed
Almost recovered
The anxiety never really got away
Now, it's all back
With a vengeance
I'm not blaming you
This is not your fault
Feelings can't be faked
Or forced
There's nothing worse than being forced to do what you don't want to do
Which is
What your friends make you do
And you concede most of the times
It was just easier with me
Because I understood
I understand what it is
What you're going through
But
I loved you
I love you
We could work something out
Make things as comfortable as possible for you
I'd go there
Book an hotel for 2 nights
It'd be kind of expensive
But 5 months
Almost half a year
It wouldn't even amount to €100
You know?
It's nothing
In the grand scheme of things
To see you
It could even be one night only
If we couldn't work things out
yet again
We could've done it before we actually broke up
Maybe you'd remember
How it's like
There's still no doubt in my mind
That all we need is to see each other
I won't do that to you
I could
"I'm going there, lets talk"
You'd just get too anxious
Mad and sad
Even if you saw me
It wouldn't be the same
We'd just argue without any good will
That's how I feel things would go
You like to do things
The right way
At the right time
I understand but don't agree completely
But then I think
Could I solve all of this with a simple 3h drive?
Could I save myself years of suffering
With a trip that I've done a thousand times before?
I think the answer is yes
But I can't be sure
I don't know much anymore
I really think the ball is on your side on this one
Since I told you what I want
What I feel
What I would do
I can't be chasing you
Annoying you
Asking the same shit over and over
I did what I did
To save what little respect you still had for me
But again
I'm assuming so many things
That we'll be together again
THat the love you feel is the same that I feel
That "It won't be the last" you said
It's true
But I don't want it 10 years from now
I wanted it yesterday
Now
Can't rush things
I know
You need your time and space
I wish for many things
For you most of all
I wish we'd be together
I wish some key moments in our lives would've been differently
But I think this one of them
And you chose
Not to be with me
Was everything too late?
If you come and talk to me a year from now
Two years
Will I love you?
Yes
Will I forgive you?
Yes
Will you want me back or just go back to that awkward shit we had going for years
That we both admitted was the worst
No
we won't
If we ever talk again
Unless it's somehow very important and unrelated to us
I'll just say
That I won't be friends with you
I want you whole
Say I'm a selfish asshole
I don't care
I don't settle
I will not settle
Here I am again
Assuming
Dreaming.
Again
Again
Again.
I think you're better now
No pressure
More peace
Right?
Don't have to text
You're free
Although I think
I was the least controlling boyfriend that ever existed
I couldn't really
You're a knock-out
I wouldn't do anything else
If I had to worry you were doing things behind my back
You could
Easily
Anyone would jump at the opportunity to be with you
Even for a moment
But now
You're free
A weight has been lifted
I think I can take some solace in that
That...indeed
You're better like this
In the long run, you'll be happier.
I'll just have to deal with it.
Be happy for you
In our goodbye
We exchanged forevers
Except forever isn't now.
I create my intention
I envision
And I release it
These words are not mine
What lies beyond what's possible
Dreams and nightmares of things to come
Like a little boy reaching for a hand to ease him
Or a drowning ocean crashing waves into rocks
Sometimes it's a sweet melody
Words that we desperately want to hear
Others, a cry
A simple scream
They're all different
Strange isn't it?
That in the world beyond this one
Anything is possible
A thousand voices echo
Resonate with each other
Only for all of them to be silenced
When we open our eyes
Reality is often disappointing
Not my words again
This one is
Has been
Will be for a while
That's why I create them
Each of them true.
We still lie in bed
I'm holding still
Eyes opened
Still wondering and marveling
How and why you chose me
That's real
Even if it isn't
I imagine it so hard
Not even the gods could take it from me
Yet
Not even the hardest of wills
Can't escape
The cold touch
Of the morning.
Will you answer them
These silent cries
I wonder
Do you listen to them?
Do you ever feel them?
I bleed them dry
They heal
And I open them again
Scars cover me
We shouldn't care
I'll never forget
We should never forget
There are scars worth remembering
Hold them close to your heart
I'll never forget
It will heal
And I'll open it again
I'll let it bleed
Drown in it
Screaming
Shouting
For only I know
How much
How long
It'll be never-ending
Very much like this poem
Or text
Or rambling
I'm not sure what this is anymore
I like the title
So I'll let that be
A never-ending poem
For a never-ending pain
Fueled by a never-ending love
That was cruelly twisted by the universe
Or the gods, if you're a believer
A never-ending hope as well
Words do mean something
Since they're all I have for now
It's what I offer to you
To the sun
And the moon
May they find you
So we'll never be apart again.
My One Second Angel.
May you fly free
Find your way
Is all I want
Even if what I ask
Is for you to find your way back to me.
My head keeps spinning
As I start something new
Knowing I'll automatically hate it
I should be happy
I'll know more details tomorrow
But it's possible I'll be making close to 4 digits
Happy, right?
Guess again
It's only doubts
Fears
And self-sabotage
I almost want it to fail
Want me to fail
That's so fucked up
These thoughts
This loop
Doesn't stop
I can't focus
Or do anything else
I'm on repeat
And the song is you
I think can fake it
3 months only anyway
Hopefully plenty of time
To soften this
Shit
That keeps bringing me down
1 hour commute
To do research
Without knowing anything except it's about education
Not even my area of expertise
Will it even go to my resume?
Would you be proud of me if you knew?
I want to tell you
But I won't
I don't talk with my ex-girlfriends
You always doubted that
I guess now I'm proving you right
Sure
I spend all of my time opening Whatsapp in your window
Say Good morning
I love you
Good night
Miss you
All the things I can't really say to you
I do it like that
But
I'll never contact you again
I'll reply
If you talk to me
But I don't chase
What we did was even new to me
Kept talking
Not being exactly friends
But not a couple neither
Not my style
But I did it
I really think I did it my all
For you
For us
That I fought
It's just better this way I suppose
Each day that goes by
Proves it
I'm in so much pain I can barely handle it
You could stop it with some simple words
The fact that you don't
For me
Means
You're not in the same place as I am
Which is awesome for you
And horrible for me
Fair is fair
Feelings can't be faked I already said
But yeah
Each day
Proves us both right
That this is the best course of action
You're doing well
I'll just have to get over it
Like normal people
I know that it won't be easy as well
To talk to me again
Because I won't care about anything but us
I won't engage in small talk
Unless a tragedy occurred
I won't give a fuck
I'll only talk about us
And only because it's you
I still think it's a waste
16 years gone like that
A love like this
Wasted on bullshit arguments
Half the things you say don't sound like you
It's like someone is feeding you those lines
Or fed you those lines
You're smart
Smarter than me
I always trusted you could think for yourself
still do
But all this
Everything that happened
Is too much out of character
I don't really know what to think
Probably all in my head
But hey
If you're willing to risk the love of your life (as you say I am)
Over this
Who am I to stop you
I did try to make things right
neither of us was a monster
To each other
We left on a sweet note
Good terms
I'll just never talk to you again
You'll never know what I'm up to
Unless you ask someone else
I'll never chase
I hope this will prove to you
That I always loved you
From day one
THat I wasn't in love with someone else
You're all I ever wanted
Love of my life
And still
I won't chase you
I won't say anything to you
Ever
It'll be you
And I'll just reply and be courteous
That's who I am
How I am
Sad that you never gave me a real chance
We dated for 2 years
2 years you always doubted me
Shit
I wasn't perfect
But I don't fuck with other people's feelings
Especially yours
I always know what I want
What I feel
There's never doubt in my heart
Never
You were it.
You really were.
Still are.
If you want to be with me or not
I don't know
How much time is the right time
But you know when you love someone
You know when you want to be with someone
You know what you'll do
What you're willing to do
And give up even
For the person you love
So
Each day that goes by
Proves us both right
Which is sad
For me.
Only for me.
That's all for tonight
I have a day to hate tomorrow.
As expected
Today was awful
They gave me a pen
I spent my time fantasizing about
Stabbing it in my neck
Well, that was dark
But what can I say
It's the truth.
Shrug it out
I didn't do it
I'll never do it
It was enough.
Another day to hate tomorrow
Things will never get better
Will they?
How is it
That even this
A good summer job
Bores me to death
And all I can think about is you
Fuck this
Fuck everything
I'm so tired
Shrink tomorrow as well
We'll see how that goes
Another day
Another morning
Another evening
Of dreams that dare to end too soon
But now that I think about it
Would I really want to be stuck inside my own head forever?
Shit
That's more frightening than life itself.
I am not myself lately
I'm distracted
Forgetting important things
Neglecting others
Everything in my head screams
S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S.
S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S.
S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S.
It never stops
It's everything
Every little detail
There you are
One day at a time they say
I'm not expecting anything
But there are only so many ways for these voices to stop
Only one of them is in my control
I wish with all my heart
That all of this
Is
Was
The best for you
It's hell for me
But I'd go through it a thousand times over
To see you smile
I want to say I love you, S.
In another universe we're laughing, right?
We haven't talked in a while
One week now
So, there's not much to report
I guess I'll just keep writing what I feel
Or what I did
Got two replies today for a job interview
One of them is very convenient.
5min away from home
Normal pay
But I won't ever do anything else
Or progress
Unless I save up and leave later
Other is far away
But it's what I studied for
Probably shit pay
But I've always needed the experience
Meanwhile, I'm still at the summer school
Driving 2hours every day
Not really sure how much I'll receive
This would be the kind of advice I'd ask you
Bearing in mind
That I wanted us to be together
Normal pay 5 min away from home is the best money
But 0 career progress and I'll basically be admitting defeat
Of ever trying to do something o myself
Not that an honest job is bad
Especially here
But I still have our plan in mind
Am I being dumb?
I still want you to be proud of me
Chasing my dreams
My ambitions
I could live a quiet life here
But it would be without you
Shit
Why am I talking like we're getting back together?
What's the best option?
Summer school is fine and lets me start on my doctorate
If I get accepted in the city far away, I'll probably won't have time to study
Another offer just appeared
Customer service
Also here
Would that be the best option?
Would I be admitting defeat?
Will we ever be together if I just make my life here?
I know I shouldn't make decisions with you in mind
We broke up
I can do anything I want
But I can't shake this feeling
Of going down the wrong path again
I could really use your help
But I know it isn't coming
More than enough time has passed
For you to make up your mind
Can't hide from the facts forever
It just hurts like a motherfucker
Like I'm being run over by a truck
All the fucking time
Do you miss me?
Fuck
I won't go down this road
I can handle this
You're well
Better off
Happier.
Well, no one can I say
I didn't try
2-hour session with the doctor
I'm not sure what to feel
How to feel even
A very important part of me is missing
I don't know where to find it
How to find it
What to do
I'm still that lost child
Waiting for your hand
Would you?
Got this music in my head
I won't ever be happy again
Gotta find some disbelief to suspend.
Today there's a tiresome in me
I never felt like giving up as much
What keeps me going
I wonder
It's getting slow typing here directly
Too many words I suppose
Will have to start writing externally
Copy paste here
I want to imagine
What would we say to each now
It feels already we're just 2 strangers
Can't even write properly
Nor think
Can't do anything
Not well at least
Everything
Everything
Has lost its flavor
I know what you'll say
It will pass
It will get better
Well, fuck me
I want that now.
No work today
Job interview in the afternoon
My brother is at work
Mom is shopping
I'm all alone
In this big old house
It's morning
Just woke up
Thinking about thinking
Weekend is here
As usual
I have no plans
Not that I'd want them
I'd love to
With you
I want to go to our happy places
But I can't
I'm paralyzed, you see
By fear and anxiety
Getting out of bed is hard enough
Looking at an empty phone
Today is friday
I want to go to the train station
At 5 pm
I want to see everyone come out
And for a few seconds hope to find you there
Among them
I want to
But it's a habit I broke out of
It was doing me no good
Basically waiting for a movie moment
Those don't happen in real life
Not like this anyway
Oh
I dream of it
I do
That one day
I come home
And you'll be here
Waiting for me
One Friday I'll get to see you again
That every
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday
I'll see you
I dream
Let me dream
It's all I have
Dreams
Ruined
By mornings
Let me have them
The dreams
I barely can do anything else.
What do you call laying on your bed all day
Staring at nothing?
That's all I do.
We talked a bit last night
You said you missed me and it has been hard
I said it back
We talked a bit more
We laughed
Things seemed so normal
So good
They almost fooled me
Because now it's a new day
Nothing changed
It seemed you're doing okay
I tried to be kind
But you had too much to drink for dinner
And some other things to help you sleep
Even if you meant it
Nothing changes
Nothing changed
Me hearing your voice?
Hearing you miss me?
Back to square one
Do you still love me?
Do you still want me?
Why can't we be together now?
Why can't talk things through now?
I didn't ask all of that
I just said
Let me try and remember correctly
"This is for the best, isn't it?"
You said yes
"This is what it has to be, right?"
You said yes
I'm so fucking happy we talked
While broken at the same time because nothing changes
Nothing will ever change
I can feel it
I'm broken the whole day
You're doing all right
There's nothing I can do
Can't even move on
All I can think is
If you mean what you say
We'd be together
Making plans
Doing shit
You'd be as broken as me
That's why I had to call it off in the first place
We're not in the same place anymore
You're dealing with your own shit
But you don't consider our relationship a priority
Something you need to care about
It's just something you'll either forget about
Or put on your to-do list
Whenever you feel like it
Don't get me wrong
I'm happy for you
I don't wish my misery on anyone
Especially not you
The person I love
I guess I just wanted us to be happy together
The same place
The same path
Same everything
Distance will take care of everything
But it call comes back
When we talk
And we laugh
And we exchange I miss you
And it's harder for me than it is for you
Right now you're probably getting ready to go out
Hit the beach
Making plans with someone
Me?
I'm here
Bleeding into this blog
Crying my heart out
For I don't know how to reach you
My therapist says you're manipulating me
Even if it's not on purpose
I don't care if that's true or not
Because I still love you
I want you by my side
Just wish we could make things right
Wish I could get past this...
You're okay not being with me for 5 months while still going out and living your life
Wasn't I a part of your life as well?
If you miss me
Like you said
Why
How
Aren't we
Together and planning for tomorrow
Next week
Or the next?
How?
Why?
I don't understand
I don't
I don't
I don't think I'm being selfish
Just
Is that what love is for you?
Or I'm just wrong
Fuck
You probably don't love me anyway
You were just used to having me or something
Got used to not being together
And now this is the normal
Like not talking will be the new normal
Like you finding someone else will be the new normal
I don't believe in irreversible damage
But if this keeps going like this
Meh
I'm assuming you'll want to get back together
Got to stop doing that
We're over
Last night was just alcohol and sleeping pills talking
Nothing else
How many bad days does it take
To start being too much
I have to hold everything in
A million conversations in my head
That we'll never have
A million dates
That we'll never have
No one to talk to
Because
I should
Just
"Get over it"
So
I am
Stuck
With
Myself
When did that go wrong?
At least I was able to stop the WhatsApp stalking
Didn't last long
One week
I think that's acceptable
It was the only way I could feel close to you
But since our last talk
That only happened because you were drunk and high on sleeping pills
You probably don't remember half of what you told me
Remember that you said "Gosto muito de ti"?
Almost felt like we were back to being ourselves
But came next day
Nothing again
That was the equivalent of a drunk dial
You probably regret it
So
After that
Silence again
I can't understand
Why or how we can't make up
But that's not my place anymore
I'll just forget we ever talked that night
It was alcohol and pills talking
Nothing more
I couldn't read you
Not sure if you're doing well
But you're going for dinners and beach and all that
So you're probably doing fine
I'm getting there
I think
Slowly
Very slowly
I'm glad
Glad you're better
Glad that being part of your life was making you miserable and I had the courage to break it up
Lol
I'm so fucking GLAD
Fuck this shit
I want to be the good guy here
But nice guys finish last
I want you all for myself
It kills me that you're better without me
Fuck this shit
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
It kills me
But I'll do it
Because I love you
And that's part of it
The sad part
Letting go
Maybe one day I won't love you as much
Maybe one day I can wake up happy again
Looking forward to the day ahead
Maybe
Maybe not
I know me
I know what it'll take
How long it will take
And it's you
You're different
I'm not sure I'll ever get over you
No
I'm certain
While there's nothing I can do
To change things
I won't chase
I never do
This is me
Letting you go
Against all my will
I am
Letting you go.
Pick me
Choose me.
Two weeks today
Since our last goodbye
Almost two months since all of this started to happen
I don’t have much to say anymore
You’re well
I’m going mad
I want you
You don’t want me
You know the rest
No point in repeating everything
The pain is still here
It won’t go away
No matter what I do
Feelings.
So unfair
I can only ask myself
Why
How
Why
How
Why
How
And then
When
When
When
It’s sad really what I’ve become
Glad you’ll never read this
Not very manly or brave
Clinging to a love that doesn’t exist anymore
Sure
You say it does
But if it did
We wouldn’t be here
You’re fooling yourself
One way or the other
Either you don’t love me anymore
Or you do and you’re just…
Doing the wrong thing
But you never do the wrong thing
The simplest explanation is most likely the right one
The one with least assumptions.
In this case
It seems simple enough
That you don’t care anymore
Therefore, we breakup
You wanted me around because of emotional needs
Lingering feelings
Whatever
We talked a few nights ago, but that was fueled by substances
If you missed me like you said you did
The next day or the next
Or the next
Or the next
You’d have said something
You don’t say that it’s been hard
That you miss me
We don’t talk over the phone and laugh and share stories
Just to pretend the other doesn’t exist again
You don’t say you love me in that call
And we stay like this
So
I have to make the least amount of assumptions
It’s probably the correct answer
We’re not together
Not because you have too much to deal with it
And can’t be in a relationship right now
We’re not together
Because you don’t want to be together
You don’t be with me
Is all
You don’t love a person and do the things you do.
Simplest explanation
I hope I’m wrong
But I can’t cling on to something that isn’t there anymore
I still am
But I can’t
You’ll be forever happy without me
I’m glad for you
I’ll deal with it in my own way
Again.
Morning came
Said the sun was gentle
I believed it
For a moment
I stepped outside
Longer than I should have
Move, says the moon
The sun obeys
Waving me goodbye.
We talked again
We had our moments
But nothing changed
I'm back to the nothingness
That this is
We're wasting time
Just
Wasting time
Will you ever regret it?
I do
All the times we could've
But we didn't
In the past
You agreed
We made the same promises
It's amazing though
We talk
After 2 weeks
Like no time has passed
Maybe that's too little time to properly evaluate
A month and a half
5 months
Vacation now
No vacation for me
There's no rest in this brain of mine
I've been managing to sleep
But I know it won't last
Until something happens
Until I know something happened
Hope I never will
Think I'll just die
But...
That's why we broke up, right?
So we could be free
Like you said
But you also pray that I don't find someone else
It's funny
None of this makes any sense
I told you I found it hard to believe you liked me
You gave me the right answer
"I don't need you to believe me."
You're right.
I don't.
But then you say all the other things
We talk all the other things
Almost normal
You blame the universe
"We'll see"
Your words
If something changes
Yeah
That's what everyone wants to hear
"We'll see if I'll like you enough to finally be with you."
I'm not telling half the things
You came up with some excuse
That you didn't want to drag me into the mud and the shit you're in
Yeah
Lucky for me I was the only one you pushed away, am I right?
Still got your little friends
Making your little trips
Enjoying the weekends with them
Enjoying the summer
Don't get me wrong
If that makes you happy
Sure
It just doesn't make sense
Saying you love me, you still miss me, you still want to be with me, promises of a future
But then
I'm pushed away
"We'll see"
Your words
Yeah
Love doesn't work on "we'll see"
You either want it or not
Right now you don't want it from me
Saying there won't be anyone else
None of my business at this point
But you're taking me for granted
Too bad I still love you with all my heart
Am I being a schmuck?
Don't think so
You pushed me out of your life like I was nothing
Because of bullshit reasons
I was the only thing that changed
Everything else remained the same
You know
How much
It hurts
Knowing this?
That
I
Was the one you ditched first chance you got
Sure, you claim you have your reasons
None of your business is my business
Vice-versa
Yeah
I thought we could be different
Guess we fucked up too much
I fucked up too much
Even though
I think you fucked up more than me
I'm more forgiving
Because I'm forgetful
But yeah
I loved you
And I was sad
And I wanted to be with you
But it shouldn't have gone past that
It would've been easier for me then
At least I was justified
Now it's just a mess
Can't even begin to describe it
You don't want to be with me
Because you don't want to burden me with your problems
Because you still believe I love my ex-gf
Because I said this and that in the past
"I have a thousand reasons not to be in this relationship"
Yeah
I guess so
If you say so
You're not
It just doesn't make sense
And you're wrong
About everything
Don't know where you got all these shitty ideas
But yeah
No relationship would ever survive this
"I believed that you actually liked me a bit"
Your words
Yeah, liking you a bit made us last 2 years lol
It wasn't real feelings or anything
Fuck that
You're wrong
You're so fucking wrong
And blind
You can't see anything
Of what really matters
And is important
You'll regret it
All this time lost
Anyway
I hope you're well.
At least that
Will never change.
I guess I'm at anger now
I need to calm down
It's the seventh of August
Things aren't looking good
Bad days and worse days
There's all there is
"We'll see"
"We'll see"
Yeah
We'll see indeed.
This is such bad writing
I'm glad I never read the shit I type
oh
I'm aware of it
That's why I avoid it
Turns out
Trying to write without a filter
In a diary-journal kind of style
Isn't too appealing
What does it matter anyway
This is for no one to read.
It's Sunday
I feel like something changed
Call it intuition
Something definitely changed.
I'll mark the day so I'll know
9 of August 2020.
My anxiety tells me it's something bad (for me)
I have no real way of knowing though
Except asking you
And I already made an exception to that
DIdn't want to
But had to
I still don't understand why you did what you did
And
Why you're doing what you're doing.
But that's not for me to figure out anymore.
I just know something has changed this weekend
Will I ever know what it was?
Probably not.
Just another shitty day to go through
There's only a million of them left
A billion
Whatever, you do the math.
I want to go back
To being well
Don't know how much of a beating I can take
Every morning
We have our 11's
They warm my heart
When you do them
In my head all I can think of is
You're seven seconds away
Of meeting the true love of your life
And I should be happy for you
But I'm not
I want you by my side
Forever
They say love isn't selfish
I don't care
It kills me
Every day is agony
I don't want to be that bitter person
Too broken to love
Or be loved
I want to be what I was
When I was with you
Something changed
Something Changed
Something changed
Something Changed
9-8-2020 (European format)
Mark it
If someone ever reads this
You will know
That
I knew.
Write hard and clear
Not well, we might add.
Doesn't get harder or clearer than this
I still have this feeling that something changed
I still haven't found out what
Don't hide.
Don't run away from the rain.
For while you're busy trying to dodge the sky
The ground beneath bequeaths you.
I see you
For the millionth time
It always feels like the first
Of course, this was only a dream
But a dream is real enough.
Often a dream is real enough
To make you wonder
If we should ever wake up.
I wanted to watch the sunset today
For a moment I thought it would be beautiful
Would make me happy
Then I remembered
The last two I saw
Were with you
And I decided not to
I wept with saudades
Angry at myself for feeling like this.
I think we just had our best talk yet
We decided to stop talking
For real this time
I showed you this
I guess it made you understand what I was feeling
It's for the best
Love yous were said
Couldn't ask for more
I wept, I admit
But if you're here so far along
You already know I have no shame addmiting I cry over you
We talked for the past couple days
We argued a bit
You're still as beautiful as 5 months ago
I know it's not that long
But that's what people say
Fuck
I miss you
How I love you
How I love you
How I want you next to me
Holding my hand
Why do I, baby
Why do I
That's a song
I just sent you
It's a sad song
A beautiful song
But a sad
Sad song
I ended up showing you this
I don't regret it
Nothing I wrote here is a lie
Bad
or an attack on you
I always tried to tell your side
The hows and whys
Even if they hurt me
We agreed not to talk
But we're talking right now
Gravity
It's so fucking obvious to me
That we just belong to each other
That
The feelings didn't disappear
But everything remains the same
We talk like best friends
If only life could be easy
6th-grade style
You like me
I like you
Will you be my girlfriend?
Yes
No
How I wish I could go back
Not many years
Moments
seconds earlier
Of things said
And done
And slap myself in the face
Say
"don't you do it"
I would
I'd have to remember them all
Oh
But I would
I would
We agreed (again)
To stop talking
After we talked all day
After we said everything
That should be said
There's no more fears of things left unspoken
But the reality remains
That you're not sure
This isn't what you want
But we talk
And we talk
And we talk
And we talk some more
We talk so we can forget
Other people drink
We talk
And it's so good
It's the best thing in the world
Talking with you
Shit
You had a mini breakdown
And I called you
We laughed
Talked some more
Cried
Talked some more
Things seem so normal
I told you
"We talk like we just saw each other and we're going to see each other tomorrow"
They say time is relative
Distance is relative
Feelings don't disappear
I miss you
I missed all of that
I missed all of yesterday
But I still miss you whole
Like
Really whole
Here
With me
In my arms
We can talk and play boyfriend/girlfriend
Because it feels good for both of us
But fuck
I miss it
I can't stop talking to you though
You say Good morning
And that's it
That's all it takes
All you have to do is say hello
Am I being stupid?
If I am
I'll never be sorry
It feels good to be stupid
It hasn't felt this good for a while
Even if many things are still missing
And might never come back
I find myself still trying to do things right by you
Your jobs is killing you
All I can think is: you have to find a good way to make money FAST
But you wouldn't even dare accept my help
It's just how I think
How I wish I could help
How I wish that you wanted it
Or relied on it
I could in some ways, you know?
At least
I think I could
I think I am
Actually
We're playing and laughing right now
Wonder how long it will last
Until you're gone again
Because of something I said
Or did
Or something else that happened
We keep trying to move apart
From each other
But it isn't easy
We did for what
2 weeks?
But still
Nothing changed yet
You opened up a bit more
but nothing that could change things
Funny
As I typed this
You said you were bored
We were playing a silly game
Kinda hurt
Not gonna lie
But I know the feeling
It's amazing how I can face today with no worries
What I'm worried about is the tomorrows
Based on the yesterdays
I'm not even trying to be poetic or anything
It's just...
Experience.
Meh
Nothing changing
Is also a sign of change
We have to take it as they come
My feelings won't disappear
I don't know what's best anymore really
Talk? Not talk?
Take it slow?
Cut it all and hope we're both will be ok?
So many questions
And no answers
Because nothing about us
Is simple at the moment
It could be
Could've been
But it isn't
And you've read half of this already
Because I told you in one of my worst nights
But I'll keep writing like you'll never read this
Without any fear of consequences
And this is what I feel
I'm lost
As to what's best
I know what I want
I know what I need
But is that the same
Of what you want
What you need?
Can't be all selfish
Although I want to be
I eager for it
I want you all to myself
FOr a week
Two weeks
The rest of my life
Just kidding
I want you for the rest of my life
But with your own life as well
You told me you stopped doing things because of me
I disagreed
But was saddened by it
I didn't see any change
If anything
You started doing even more things
But what do I know
I just want you well
For the moment
Right now
This second
It seems you're doing well
With me.
Just have to enjoy it while I can
No expectations.
It shouldn't have to be like this
We should be at a point
Where we both know where we are
In relation to each other
Don't you agree?
Been 2 years after all
But that's something yet to be seen
As I said
Right now
This moment
Is ours
And it's glorious
And magnificent.
So
It's Sunday the 23.
August
Where to start?
From the beginning
I suppose
But it's the in-between that mattered
The end that broke me apart
Not because it was bad
Because it was so good
And I'm fogging up
For how much I miss you
How much I didn't understand
How much I love you
The beginning.
We were talking, not talking
Friday
I'm slowly making my peace
With us being apart
(not really)
We talk
A lot
We crack jokes
Tease each other
We're boyfriend and girlfriend
More than friends at least
You find out you're leaving early
You tell me
I was happy for you
Could go home
Rest
Take a walk
Grab a dinner
Whatever
More time for you is always good I thought
A couple hours pass and no real answer from you
I pay no mind
We agreed
After all
We're better not talking
I still miss you and want you
But I understand
Friday afternoon leaving early
You're going to want time for yourself
Away from me at least
Near 6pm I see my phone ringing
It's you
Crying
I worry instantly
Wtf happened in these hours?
You tell me
You packed your bag
And you were ready to come to me
But you weren't sure
"nothing will change"
"we'll never be boyfriend and girlfriend again"
But you ask me
If you should come
I want to say yes
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yes
So much yes
But I tell you no
Not for the reasons you gave
That I won't mention
And because of the things that won't change
You kept talking
Asking me
I say yes
I say no
I say yes
I say no
We finally run out of time
It's your decision
But I have to take it
I finally ask
If you were going to feel okay being here
If you'd be happy
You said yes
I couldn't hear anything else
I told you to come and bought the tickets online
You boarded the train
And started to freak out
"It wasn't the right decision"
I tell you to leave the train so we can finally get this over with
Your friends tell you to leave the train
They know nothing
But they were right
All I can think is
The thought of being with me
Making you miserable
I just wanted to die a million times over
I say it again
Leave the train
Leave
Leave
Leave
You tried to
You told me to
You didn't
The reasons why
I can't say
Because I didn't ask
You didn't know how to get back?
You had no one to pick you up?
Or you never really wanted to leave in the first place
You finally tell me
You're not leaving the train
You're really coming
I'm not happy
But I know what I feel
WHat I will feel
When I see you
When I hug you
When I kiss you
And shit, man
Was I right
You arrived
I noticed your sadness
We hugged
Entered my car
Started talking
The distance between us started to melt
We got home
Gave you something to wear
Went to bed
We talked
Hugged
Kissed
It was like we never stopped dating
It always feels like this
Like we're never too far apart
We're never too estranged
We're never strangers
You didn't feel so well
I finally realized how you have been feeling
What you have been feeling
But I can't even describe it
I don't have the cure
I know nothing
I just wanted you to feel better
Safe
Secure
Happy
I didn't mention our relationship
If this meant we were back together
Nothing
No pressure
This was a weekend off for you
A weekend where you didn't have to do anything you didn't want to
Answer things you didn't want to
Talk about things you didn't want to
I was your boyfriend and best friend these last 3 days
Even if nothing changed
I Was
Your boyfriend
Your lover
Your husband
Your best friend
Even if just for a few days
I made you breakfast saturday
It made me so happy that I could do something for you
You felt ill that morning
I did my best
Scrambled eggs and coffee
With your instructions
(precise instructions)
With bread on the side
You said it was good
We spent the day in bed
Cuddling
Kissing
Talking
I missed it so much
And every time I took it for granted makes me want to kms
Anyway
It was good
It was great
It was perfect
You got me a gift
I gave you one as well
We laughed so much
We go so well together
When you felt a little better
We went for a ride
I tried my best to go through those mountain roads
But they got to you anyway
It was good, but we were quick to back to bed and just snuggle
You made the best rice I've ever had
Don't understand how
But fuck
It was so good
I know I'm just describing a lot of things
And skipping out on others
But
If I ever read this again
I want to remember as much as I can
If you ever read this
I want you to remember as much as you can as well
Every now and then I would start to fog up
On the thought of you leaving today
Sunday, 23
August
So early
The day arrived
You woke up happy
So happy and well
As the hour started to arrive
I was crying
Trying to hide it on your shoulders
We're still in bed
You break up in tears
Saying you don't want to leave
I say I don't want you to leave
We could stay here forever
You could
You can
Come anytime
Stay here
With me
The alarm rings
Time to go
I tear up again
But time isn't on our side
It's never one anyone's side
But
We were happy
We were so happy
Even if you felt ill sometimes
I was so fucking happy
Holding your hand at night
While we slept
Hugging you
Watching dumb videos
The ride to the station was so normal
Like an everyday ride
That we do...
Well, every day
The thing
The train
Which is usually late 20/30min
Got there on time
And on this day
Sunday
23
August
of 2020
At 13,44
1,44 pm
We kissed again
Exchanged I love yous
And I felt like that was the last time I'll ever see you.
And here I am
Bleeding
Pleading
Pouring everything out.
Hugging your side of the bed.
I pray to god
To all the gods
To the universe
To prove me wrong.
It was perfect.
I love you, S.
And I miss you so fucking much
Again
This is August
Sunday, 23
2020.
MJC
It's been a week and some days
Since I last wrote here
I wanted to see what would happen
How everything would be
Will be
It seems we're good
We didn't talk about it really
It is just sort of implied
In our words
In our actions
In your words
In your actions
I finally feel you again
Closer than before
We got many things back
Things we both took for granted
For such a long time
The future..
I don't want to talk about it
As I'm writing this you just accepted a new job offer
I'm proud
Happy
A bit nervous as well
But I won't tell you that
I think it's the right move
But only time will tell
Everything could change now
Between us
New schedules
New restrictions
Better schedules
Less restrictions
Worst schedules
More restrictions
We both don't know
I'm also trying to do my own thing
Not as important as yours
As I'm simply following a different path
Hope we don't stray too far away from each other
Inside our own lives
Unable to live each other's
Does that sound clingy?
You know what they say
Always hope for the best
It's still too soon as well
A week ago you were telling me
That we'd never get back together again
Nothing would change
You didn't see a future
Etc
Etc
Etc
Etc
Etc
That you wouldn't be happy with me
Etc
Etc
Etc
Etc
I don't want to remember it all
I can't
That's why I write this
The page
It remembers
Some words are forever
Others die before they are brought the light
A select few, though
Are never-ending.
I write this
A few days after I defended my thesis
That was a good day
We played
You were there watching
I saw your smile
So happy
So happy
SO fucking happy
For me
Because of me
I couldn't bear it
Almost
I can't bear
How much I love you
How I love you
Because here we are
One
Two
One, two days later
GUess what happened
Yeah
You got another call from your ex
Suddenly you stop talking
You go in retreat mode
Feels good to be on this side, you know?
You're always one phone call away to go away
Of course
I won't bring it up again
You know what you're doing.
I just have to deal with it
As usual
We're not broken
I think
I tried really hard
I didn't get mad or angry or anything
I simply can't
You told me last week or so
About this guy
You know him since he was a little kid it seems
Well
This little kid
Ain't so little anymore
At a birthday party
Nothing happened
Just normal afternoon party shit
He texted you the next day
We both know why
You told me about it
Laughed at it
I wanted to get mad
I didn't
I couldn't
It was so meaningless
I don't even know why I'm writing it down
Guess this will turn into a memoir of sorts
If it happened and I still remember it
It will be here.
Moving on
I completed another degree
With honors, if such a thing existed here.
Happiness though
It's been so fleeting
It made me appreciate it more
Our good moments
Most of our moments are good
Don't get me wrong
Since you were here
After all that shit
"Nothing will change"
"we'll never be together again"
"I won't be happy with you"
(still makes me bleed thinking about it)
Things have been pretty good
What I'm trying to say is
I feel I'm one little wrong step
From you walking away
Perhaps that's how it should be?
In this fear of losing you
I can't afford to be mad
Stay mad
One day though
I know
I'll spit the wrong words
I won't be able to stop myself
I'll stay mad a little longer than I should
I'll be unfair
And you'll walk away.
I understand your life seems a bit...messy right now
A lot of decisions made with a degree of uncertainty you're not comfortable with
I know everything will be all right
Wish you did too.
I wish
I wish
I wish
I'm facing a lot uncertainty myself
What to do next
Is the PhD the right step for me?
It can backfire so hard I'll never be able to recover
I guess I don't have much of a choice as well
Companies aren't exactly lining up
I wasn't headhunted like you were
My skills are basically useless for this world
Or I just got my timings wrong
Either way
There's this thread
Pulling at me
Pushing me
In a certain direction
I can send a thousand CV's
I'l have no answer
One or two will give me a little bit of hope
Nothing more.
I'm going all in on this path
Fuck me
I'm scared
If you only knew how much
Nothing to burden you with
You have your own things to worry about
I just
Want that hand
In the supermarket
That beacon
Saying
You're all right now.
Everything will be all right.
I think we all do.
Nothing special about me, I know.
I went to bed
A sudden poem materialized before me
I thought I should write it down right away
I didn't
I'll remember it tomorrow
I said to myself
I don't
It was beautiful.
I remember the image that came with it
A white line on a black background
Spiraling infinitely
I'll remember it
So naive.
So that didn't last long
We were good
I thought
We were good
I thought
It seemed so
"I want to break up"
September 29
From nothing
I called you right after
You called me as well
Crying
Like I should change your mind
Like
It was some kind of test?
What the fuck off.
This will be the end
Of this never ending poem.
Wish you well.
Comentários
Enviar um comentário