2.32

 I haven't seen you.

We haven't seen you

You're not really here, are you

Tonight you won't answer

I reject it

Am I crazy?

I talk to myself like it's someone else

Someone who is not me

Someone who just happens to share a small piece of what I am

Or maybe

Everything is me and this is all bullshit

I don't care

These voices

That come and go

But mostly just come

Hardly ever go

I know what they are

Obviously they don't exist

I engage with them still

I talk and they reply

They mumble and I laugh

Or cry

Sad

Never happy

Generally not a good experience

They keep telling me to stop doing some things

I think most of them are helpful

They're like the part of me that I should be

Like the goal I should aim towards somewhat

Truly, one cannot tell if our imagination is a reliable source of information and knowledge.

That would be just silly

And I'm a man of science 

Isn't that ironic?

I turned to science whilst being a dark fiction writer?

You'd suppose they both contradict each other

I suppose it's been working out so far

Just a matter of focus

I have the best idea for a novel

Well

Structurally, it's very creative

The writing itself is a different story

The narrative, the plot, characters, the world, etc.

A project for later

Later, yeah

Why not now?

Why not take advantage of all these sleepless nights after a eight hour shift at the office?

Good question 

Don't have a good answer.

Think I'm overwhelmed with everything

Emotionally I'm a mess

I can hardly motivate myself to anything

There's too many things going on

That I need to do now, in a week, in a month, in a year, four years

It's too much

Everything has been too much

I planned it like this

I knew it was going to be something that would put me under a lot of pressure 

Would aggravate my anxiety and my mdd, but I thought

I honestly thought

Believed

That I could it

Just

Never imagined I would have to do it alone.

This small room manages to get smaller every day

The world outside is closed

People are off

Suspicious

Sick

Of mind and body

I was never one to say hello first

Now even less

You're gone now

For so long now

For how long now?

When should we start counting?

It doesn't stop hurting

Nothing really works, does it

Keep yourself busy

Mind occupied

Try a new hobby

Play a new game

Except the only game I play is the one I played for you

I'm getting really good at it

I stopped streaming

Because it wasn't fair

You could see me

Hear me

Feel me close

All I saw was a number on a screen

Sometimes wondering if it was really you

And then I started to get scared

Anxious

Of the number not showing up

Or going away too soon

Or just not being you

So

I did what I do.

I'll never have to wonder again.

I know you're doing all right

That's all it matters really

I'll manage

Somehow

If you'll be all right.

I will always miss you

Now and forever.