2.45

 Everything feels blocked

The emotions 

Laughter and crying over a seethroug wall

It's not even soundproof

I can hear them

I can see them

I can almost touch them

But I'm just out of reach

Just enough.

I flirt with the idea of going back 

After all,

These were my closest friends

They still are

They're just another me

Why should they be in mind jail

Will they behave this time?

Will I care enough?

I went to the hospital begging for help last time

I couldn't take it anymore 

I felt it

I really did

I didn't want to move a finger for anything 

Forced myself to eat

Shower

Do the bare minimum 

That's what happens when you have MDD

 And you stop taking your meds

 I was doing so much better a while ago

 So so much better

 Now I'm not

 Not so much

 They're begging me to crack the walls

 Let them join me

 What wonderful things we'll do

That reminds me

My prescription is almost up

I don't know what's right or not

Everything has its downsides

I'm taking the best there is

It's expensive

Really expensive

But it works

Not like the others

But it does

No side effects

I still can't sleep

But I gave up on sleep a long time ago

Briefly, I believed I could have a normal, boring life

You

Me

Small talk

Weekend plans

Lazy plans

A house

Two kids

Marriage

It's amazing how much you don't know you want something 

Need something

Untill you actually think about it

As a possibility

As reality

I won't lie

I was never fan of having kids

Me and my brothers drove our mother to poverty

It wasn't an easy or pretty life of any of us

Im surprised we turned out pretty okay

Somehow I ended up being the worst

That makes me happy since the pressure was always on me to do something 

Be something 

Carry the family 

Be the rock they needed

You can't ask that of a 6 year old

That's when my insomnia appeared

I remembered just lying awake at night

Thinking what I would need to do to help my family 

If I even could

That pressure eventually turned into resentmet

And later right out denial.

I have my own problems to deal with

Sorry.

Anyway

I saw it

Our plan

Our future 

I felt it

In the core of my soul

I dreamt of it

I started walking towards it

There's nothing else I want more in the world.

But the world isn't in a giving mood at the moment

I still feel torn in pieces

Played for a fool

But I don't give a fuck if this is how I feel

Why would I lie 

Who gives a fuck

We both know what is what.