3.01

 There are some things I want to do before I go

Some are very common

Very mundane

I'd like to have two kids

Marry

Be happy for as long as I'm allowed

I want to create things that I can call m mmy own

That will stand the test of time

I want to be publish a couple of papers under my own name, solo

I have books, poems, journal entries already written

I don't care if those ever see the light the day

I want to kiss my daughter goodbye and good luck in her first day of school

I want to be there for the first love and the first heartbreak 

I want to know what it feels like seeing your child taking his first steps

Learning to ride a bike, a skate or a surfboard

Whatever he likes

Maybe he'll end up taking a liking to chess

Like his father

What a dork

I want to know what it feels like coming home to someone you love

And loves you back

Every

Single

Day

Live for the weekends? 

Fuck that

Live for the moment you get home and you see her

Like it's the first time

Over and over

I want to know what it feels arguing over dinner and end up ordering pizza instead

Choosing a bad movie because we have all the time in the world

End up in bed

Cuddling and kissing 

Like our bubble won't ever be destroyed

I want to go house shopping

I want to know what it's like to fill your own home with things you love

For the people you love

I want her

My brother

My sister

My mother, aunt

And everyone else

To finally be able to say

"He turned out all right"

I don't want to feel like a loser

I don't want to be the idiot

So many things to do and so little time

I'm trying really hard

What I can at least

Some things are in the fantasy realm

Like

The two kids

Those two sweet little blonde angels

That's a dream dead and gone

A family with her

Same

What else is there to

Professional success?

I don't really care about that

It's just money

Money can suck my dick

Academic success?

I'll take it

Make an impact on the world

Even the smallest step will count towards something

That's all I have

All I'll ever have

And as I read

Take the classes

Do the work

I find myself thinking

Why is this so...

Easy

And boring

Did everyone lie?

A PhD was supposed to be hard

I'm just....flying through it

Still some years left but I know how to ride the flow

I took some pills and a shot of whiskey

I can't sleep

And when I can't sleep 

I think of things

To be

Supposed to be

Lost in time

For causality and chaos

Many things go back to her

The pillar that held me for more than a decade 

Fuck

How I still love her

Some would call me a fool

I do

I'm a fool

It's been what

Almost a year now

My forever is forever 

But please, universe 

Put her in the back of my mind

Don't torture me anymore 

Let her stay there

I'll write a poem 

Or two

To remind me that she exists 

Just

Don't let me get stuck

I only have so much time left

From 33 to to 35 is a blink

I can't sleep again

Been happening a lot lately

Even with the chems

I'm up to triple dosage

It doesn't fuck me up in the normal sense

I barely feel the side effects anymore

Sometimes I have to take one

Two

During the day

To keep the arritmia at bay

It also helps fogging memories of her.

Whiskey does the trick as well

I'm not abusing neither

I couldn't even if I wanted

Unlike my father 

I don't develoo adictions that easily

Then again, I never dabbled in heroin and the burden of a failing marriage and three small children looking up to you

How different would my life be with you, father?

I ask this question every single day

I'm not even sure you tried

I never heard once in my life I'd be a good father

Even though I did nothing in that sense

Not even her

While bragging about her ex's ability to be a good father

Not once she mentioned I would be one

Would I be?

What do you think, father?

I know mom never loved you 

That must've been hard and cruel

But we did

All three of us

We cherished our moments together

The few we had after you were gone

Couldn't you have made an effort?

We needed you

I needed you

Mom did an amazing job

She was the best

She is

The best

But me and Franz, you know

We were forced to learn by ourselves

What it was like

To be a man

Our grandpa helped

But I can only wonder 

Fantasize

What it would've been like

To live in a loving family

Maybe I wouldn't have fucked up so much over the years

Maybe all the times I felt less of a man

I'd have only to look at you and remember 

It's okay

Me and my brother

We found a way

We protect each other

We got each other's back

I'm scared of what will happen when I'm gone

But Im taking some steps so that he'll be well taken care of

I wish I could have that family though

Those 2 kids

With her eyes and my wild hair

Both angels

Like one second angels

That I would know

And protect 

That's never going to happen. 

I don't have much left

Not much time

I wanted my version of all

But I asked for too much.

As with everybody else

I will have to settle with what I have

What I can accomplish

And die with a smile on my face.

To dream is a dangerous thing.

Fall asleep even more.

But waking up...

That's where all the pain and despair lies.