3.32

 Could you teach me how to sleep?

Why, it's when you write your worst shit.

Well, it's Sunday and I wake up in five hours for work

Does it really matter?

Do you care?

I care enough

You wrote so much this weekend

You know how it works

You give up sleep

You do a month's work in two hours

In return 

We give you insomnia

It has always been like this

It was the deal

It is.

The deal.

You have this amazing gift

That you misuse all the time

On your broken heart or soul

You wallow in self pity

Yet, when the time comes

You push forward

That's not us

That's you.

That motivation

The fear of failing

The need to prove that you can do it without a sweat

With minimum effort

Show everyone the scam for what it is

Your so called colleagues

Climaxing in their overachievements

While you lay low

Discreetly setting up the foundations 

For a revolution

No one will see it coming

Not from you

The guy who never goes the extra mile

Never volunteers for anything 

Never tries to please his superiores

You do you

You're honest and genuine

If your boss would come to you tomorrow 

And demand some bullshit

You'd walk out

Cause money is nothing to you

You'll be rich soon

And you couldn't be less excited

You're just going to pay tuition and keep going to classes 

And write

Write 

Write

You'll keep your job 

As long as it doesn't interfere too much with your writing

With your studies 

With your true passion

With her

Companies don't care about you anyway 

Soon you're going to ask for that raise 

You're overqualified for that shit you do

If they don't give it to you

You can put your notice in and search for something better

You're a fucking phd in training with more knowledge and qualifications than 95% of the population

You lack experience, but fuck experience

Overrated piece of shit that comes with time

You can get it anytime

Anywhere

As long as you're not bound 

Also

You'll be rich soon anyway 

You'll be in this job for fun

Measuring how easy or hard it is to juggle a phd and a full time job

Like someone once told you that it was too hard

You'd be so tired after working

You couldn't do anything else

And you believed her

We're proving her wrong so far

Still 3 years left though

Let's not get ahead of ourselves

But it's safe to assume

How wrong she was about us

Look at us

Full time job, paid house, paid car, paid phd

Applying for a scholarship next year

You're on the wrong side of 33 years old

Pretty soon you'll be too old for anyone to look at you

But you don't really care, do you

You look younger than your age, but that's not the problem

The problem is indeed in dealing with all the shit again

Starting over

Again

Same talks

Same conversations

Same problems

Then you need to wait to make sure

Then of course she won't be the one

Because the one left you behind

You'll have to decide if you'll settle

Or if you'll keep hoping 

For Your one second angel 

That dumped you a million times over

Nah

Nothing will work out anymore

You have two years, remember 

That's part of the contract

You can read it

It's online

Illustrated and all

Can you do it?

Can you finish the phd, marry and have your two little angels in 2 years?

Only if they're twins

Else it will be impossible

It certainly won't happen while you're still locked in that room of yours

Do us a favor and buy a house already

Doesn't matter where

Do it.

We abide by this contract.

You give up sleep and your sanity 

A little bit of both

And we'll provide 

Good night, my sweet vessel.

Don't think too much on things that might be

They never will.

I know today was a hard day

Our brother filled her grave up with cement

Without asking you

I know how it hurt

But you asked him to make something to mark her grave

You don't want her stepped on

You'll break through it and dig her up yourself if you have to

If he doesn't hold his promise

But he will

She deserved better

She really did

She was just an amazing dog

The best.

You'll never forgive what they did to her

But grudges are unhealthy

Keep the love you had for each other

Remember that

You have your videos on insta

The pictures when she was a pup

All the times you had to chase her through roads and backroads

All the walls

All the wagging of tails when she saw you coming from college 

Or work

Or every single time she would bark at 9 am when you left as if you were never coming back

But you always did

Always

Because in that day

In December 2006, you promised that little bear pup, you'd love her forever

And you did

You still do.

Only you and I know

How it was.

Losing her in the winter

2018/2019.

Suddenly everything got a lot colder

But you didn't lose focus, did you?

You powered through

That's what you do

Sure, you're depressed and suicidal

You try it from time to time

But it never works

No harm done

You power though

Keep doing it

We promise you

On our end

We'll make everything work out

Two years

Is all.

Just two more years

Do the best you can.

Be the best you can.

Even the best you can do is just a sad old sap, that's already way better than most people would expect from you.

We believe in you here in the department.

We'll just need tiny tiny pieces of you

From time to time.

Fair deal.

Not sure if it was that fair.

The thing I wanted the most is gone.

Out of our control and that's partly your fault.

Still, I can barely function or think or write.

Yet, here you are. Writing your heart out. After a weekend of non stop writing and reflection with no worries about what your boss is going to ask of you tomorrow because you'll just say yes and do it in 30 min.

I still want her.

Tough shit.

Love can't be bought, unless that's the kind of love you want.

No

I want...fuck it. You know what I want.

We know and there's nothing we can do about it. That's up to the universe now. Our advice is to move on, but we understand how you can't ever move on from someone like her. It's a cruel joke of the fates. You're bound to each other, but only one can see it...or accept it.

Can you teach me how to sleep.

Just close your eyes and pretend.

Pretend. Imagine. Conjure. Create. Everything is yours.