Just another tuesday

I saw something tender, 

Happy and beautiful

Rather,

I imagined it or saw it on a screen

Had to close my eyes and run away

(if one can even run away from oneself)

There was too much of you in it.

It was useless.

Now, for a story on my mental process regarding all things you. The original poem was this:

I saw something beautiful

I hated it

Because it reminded me of you.

See where the problems lie? I know you couldn't care less about me or what I do or write, but this is what I think and do still. This is how you (still) shape me.

The first line, "I saw something beautiful". You'd probably think I saw a beautiful girl that I took a special interest in. That's what I think you'd think. That's what I wrote, but I reflected on it. This is a problematic line. I had to specify further or risk you thinking I don't love you (althought I'm sure you'll say 'Don't worry about what I think', which is another problematic statement that I want to avoid, because: a) You saying I don't have to worry about what you think reinforces the belief that you don't love me or want me anymore. I know this to be true - due to your words and actions - but if I can avoid words and actions that represent "I don't love you anymore" coming from you, I will avoid them. At all costs; b) it tells me it really doesn't bother you if I find someone else, which brings us back to the first point).

In reality what I saw was a couple looking at an ultrasound of their baby. The "beautiful" in "I saw something beautiful" wasn't so much referring to the ultrasound per se, but rather to the whole moment: A couple. Looking. At their baby. Why I deemed it beautiful? For obvious reasons. A couple implies love, happiness, cumplicity, companionship, not being lonely or sad. The ultrasound is a representation of their future together. Of past acts, moments and memories turning themselves into a lifetime of another set of moments and memories. Of what the future holds and the fact that both of them, this couple, decided to have something together, that will bind them to each other for the rest of their lives, and they did it knowingly, willingly, because they loved each other. It was fucking beautiful and I hated it. 

Why?

You'd think the next line would say it all:

"Because it reminded me of you". 

See, another problematic line that I had to rephrase, because I don't hate you. On the contrary. I had to reflect on it again, or risk you hating me even more or giving you more reason to stay away. It reminded me of what I wanted from us, the life I envisioned and begged you for. It's not just an ultrasound of a baby. It's two lives intertwined forever. It's a house that they share, two families brought together, a dedication and devotion that I eagerly wanted and never had. I fucking wanted it so much it hurts. Seeing someone else have it broke me. 

I can imagine it.

Something that is gone now. Most likely forever and I do have a hard time dealing with this fact. That the one who'll be holding your hand for the ultrasound of your baby won't be me, but another. The laughs, smiles and happiness...Implied with it, there's a whole other set of potential 'us' memories that will never see the light of day. 

So, all this to say: three apparently simple lines made me go on this journey because I can't not think about what you'll think about me. 

I tried...I really did.

I'm leaving this on draft, I know you have access to it if you want. Maybe one day you'll see this. Maybe not.

Maybe.