Almost forever: the 7 times I lost you (short)

Chapter I

Remember how we met? By pure chance. Some would say fate, destiny, gods. Doesn't matter how. That summer I knew my life would never be the same again. Only 16 and I had found the love of my life. Took another 16 to realize that. I was an arrogant prick and a cynical asshole. Somehow you got through me. We were not meant to be at that age. We both know what happened. No point in blaming anyone. It happened because it had to happen, such is the law of causality. I never stopped loving you. Our first kiss, under the moonlight in that balcony was something magical. I swore back then I'd never let you go. How wrong I was, but I didn't know it in my ignorance and naivety. All we ever have is now and now (then) that was what I truly believed. Even when idiotic events turned us apart, we were never really far from each other. For me, though, you were always a creature from another world. Something high above me. I considered myself lucky just to be noticed by you back then. It is normal I accepted so easily when you were gone. I didn't deserve you. I was merely a stop by in your path to transcendence. I counted myself a lucky guy. We never really hit it off, but we stayed close, like best friends that love each other but never touch. That year the demons inside were starting to manifest, but I found a way to shut them out. I had you after all, even if for a little while. Then, it happened. The first of many. I won't go in details because they don't matter. My pride got the better of me and I moved far away. That was the first time I lost you.

Chapter II

Soon after I got here. To this new place, you came to me again. We both knew what distance meant, but I never truly believed in it. It was your birthday and you were seeing someone else. It didn't matter to me. I knew I loved you. I knew I wanted you. Only my respect to loyalty kept me from having you that night. To this day I don't know if it could have happened. You say yes, but back then it was different. I didn't mind much. I knew you belonged to me. Patience was all I needed. Regardless, I just couldn't come and say it. "Leave him and stay with me. We'll make it work." t. Long distance relationships have a knack for failing and even with all the divinity that surrounded you, I couldn't bear to see it fail once again. So I left it there. You were with him. He treated you well, it seemed. No business of mine to come between the two of you with promises that could never be fulfilled. If only I knew how easy it was. Love. Love is hard, they say, but Love also makes everything easy. That was the 2nd time I lost you.

Chapter III

Here, in this strange land, I found a girl. She wasn't like you, but I cared for her deeply. We were out of touch for a good while now. I would check up on you from time to time. You seemed happy, content. Still with the same guy. That meant something, I said to myself, regretting the chances I had before. In line with my prideful and arrogant self I decided to let you go and devote myself to this girl. We barely talked in those 4 years, but we still did. You were always there when I needed you. When I felt insecure, sad or lost, you'd put me on my way. You pretended you didn't mind me dating another girl and I pretended I didn't mind you seeing another guy. What a beautiful castle of lies we built for each other. Still, I hadn't given up on you. In the back of my mind I still knew you were it. The girl of my dreams. It just wasn't the right time. 4 years passed. All of a sudden it was 2011 and I found myself alone.  Somehow I lost myself in that girl and for a time I forgot who I really was. The demons started to spiral out of control. Yet, I could still count on you to guide me. Again, you seemed so happy with someone else. So happy with this thing we had. We were neither friends or lovers. We were...something else. It was painful to me to accept it, but I'd like to think I didn't have a choice. "What were the odds?" "I don't deserve her." I developed this habit and I would say it over and over again in order to justify my lack of courage. I also blamed you a little bit. "If she felt the same way, surely she would say something." If I could go back and freeze time, we'd still be under that moonlight. It was then. When I started to accept we would never be whole. That was the 3rd time I lost you.

Chapter IV

They were running wild inside me now. I could feel them, but I still had the strength to keep them at a safe distance by willpower alone. Some cracks were beginning to unfold though. I was single and not enjoying much of it as you would think. We started talking. In bits and pieces now and then. Gradually, the small talks grew large and I found myself smiling like I hadn't in a long while. Always there, my angel, my One Second Angel. We had a week in the summer. More like a couple of days, but I knew then what I have always known. I loved you. Again, I saw you happy with someone else. My desire couldn't topple that. Who was I to try and ruin your happiness? Yet, you always seemed so filled with life every time you saw me, I couldn't help but falling deeper into you. In silence that is. We ended up departing. Not saying anything worthwhile to each other. You jumped on me and I got a feel on your butt. It was paradise, but that was it. I couldn't ask for more. You were still so much higher than me. That was the 4th time I lost you.

Chapter V

Not long after that summer, you found your way to me. It was the first time you came here. To this distant and cold land. I could hardly believe it. The moment you stepped out of the bus I felt like I was in a dream. We went to the movies and saw an horror flick. It was great and surreal at the same time. Having your by side. When was the last time I had felt like that? Like finally, something was starting to make sense, like I belonged. You had that power over me. You could always show me where my place was. There was never fooling you. That's why I thought my feelings couldn't have been clearer since the first day. You were so much smarter and perceptive than I was. How could you not see how deeply in love I was? We watched our favorite movie in my couch and we sang together. I wanted to kiss you so badly it hurt. I didn't muster up the courage. Not even when you crawled into my bed in the middle of the night. I was so in awe I didn't know what to do. I thought it was something normal and me making a move would be disastrous. "You didn't come here for that. You need a friend, not a clingy lover." I thought. Again, there was no touching you without feeling guilty. I didn't deserve you. Yet again, we departed. That was the 5th time I lost you.

Chapter VI

We kept in touch and saw each other a couple of times, but I noticed something was different about you. The bond that linked us together was crippled, fragmented. I pretended I didn't notice nor care. After all, who was I compared to you? Nothing. Like a small ant looking at the sky wondering if it could ever reach the clouds. For some reason though, you got me an internship at the place you worked. I thought "This is it. This is my chance." The pain of not having you was becoming too much a burden. I had to let it go or go for it. Alas, I was wrong. 3 months I spent in that office. I'd see you every day, but we would hardly talk. We'd exchange smiles, some work assignments, but nothing more. Something was off. I knew it at once. You had someone. Someone else. Someone who wasn't me. Someone worthy. I left that place with no regrets. I couldn't bear to see you every day and not having you. So selfish of me. Selfishness kind of defines Love, but also...it doesn't. I saw you happy every day and I wasn't the reason why. It slowly killed me. 3 months was all I could stand and I left you with your new someone knowing you could be happy without me. That was...enough for me. If you were happy, I was happy. This was the 6th time I lost you.

Chapter VII

Six long years passed and every single terror inside me was in full motion now. By pure chance we found each other again. I was...reluctant at the very least. My whole life at that point had been defined lost chances and opportunities wasted. I wasn't hoping for much. It started small, but eventually grew. A year was all it took. My oldest friend. From estranged past crush to best friend again. I was fighting them still and losing control. You couldn't understand, because I couldn't understand nor explain. This animal was bigger than I could've imagined, fueled by 30 years of despair and sadness, I could hold them no longer. You did your best. You stood by me as I said the most horrible things to you. You stood by me. You stood by me. You stood by me. Now matter how hard I pushed you away, you kept holding my hand. Why? I would ask. Why do you do this for me? Don't you have someone else? Why fill me with false hopes? That was a secret untold. I never made it really through though. Yet, in the end, there she was like a starry night. I couldn't believe it still. I denied it with all my strength. She could never be mine. I started fooling around with someone else. Yet, she stayed. It was all right. She had someone. Almost married. This was nothing but a stupid dream conjured up by a silly teenager heart. That's what I thought. One fateful night, I couldn't hold it any longer. I wasn't about to lose her again. You can call it an attempt based on despair. I call it something akin to a commandment. Something meant to be. I asked her. No. I told her. Choose me. Love me. For my surprise, she did. Finally, we found each other. Our true selves bound together by laws of fate constructed by us. Then it began. The beginning of our long journey together. There were ups. There were some downs. I was a fool, a child, an infant at times, remnants of a past era that I couldn't yet let go. But she put up with me. We can pretend it was perfect. In a way, it was. You gave me something I never had. That beautiful blonde hair would forever be ingrained in my heart. A light in the long darkness that plagued my dreams. I was so lucky. I knew it, but I kept on screwing things up. I'd say mean, horrible things on impulse, thinking you' be better off without me. That narrative was deeply rooted in my core being. Everyone else is better off without me. Until the day it came. That unwavering sun that wouldn't budge no matter what. The angel that held my hand throughout all the years, finally caved in. You can say it was like water erosion. I spent those days thinking how lucky I was and about what I had just lost. The love of a lifetime suddenly gone over petty arguments. That was the 7th (and last) time I lost you.

Epilogue

There's an end to this story. Like in all fairy tales with happy endings, I made up my own as I dreamt it all throughout all these years. It's real enough for me. The memories, the touches, the kisses, the hugs, the cuddles, the smiles, the love notes, the writings on the wall, the pictures, everything. Those were all real. It's just a matter of extending them in time and space in my own little world. I know I I could've done better. For that I'm sorry. My One Second Angel.Gone. Know this, I've never wanted anything but what was best for you, love. We were almost forever.