The last time I saw you

 So

It's Sunday the 23.
August
Where to start?
From the beginning
I suppose
But it's the in-between that mattered
The end that broke me apart
Not because it was bad
Because it was so good
And I'm fogging up
For how much I miss you
How much I didn't understand
How much I love you
The beginning.
We were talking, not talking
Friday
I'm slowly making my peace
With us being apart
(not really)
We talk
A lot
We crack jokes
Tease each other
We're boyfriend and girlfriend
More than friends at least
You find out you're leaving early
You tell me
I was happy for you
Could go home
Rest
Take a walk
Grab a dinner
Whatever
More time for you is always good I thought
A couple hours pass and no real answer from you
I pay no mind
We agreed
After all
We're better not talking
I still miss you and want you
But I understand
Friday afternoon leaving early
You're going to want time for yourself
Away from me at least
Near 6pm I see my phone ringing
It's you
Crying
I worry instantly
Wtf happened in these hours?
You tell me
You packed your bag
And you were ready to come to me
But you weren't sure
"nothing will change"
"we'll never be boyfriend and girlfriend again"
But you ask me
If you should come
I want to say yes
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yes
So much yes
But I tell you no
Not for the reasons you gave
That I won't mention
And because of the things that won't change
You kept talking
Asking me
I say yes
I say no
I say yes
I say no
We finally run out of time
It's your decision
But I have to take it
I finally ask
If you were going to feel okay being here
If you'd be happy
You said yes
I couldn't hear anything else
I told you to come and bought the tickets online
You boarded the train
And started to freak out
"It wasn't the right decision"
I tell you to leave the train so we can finally get this over with
Your friends tell you to leave the train
They know nothing
But they were right
All I can think is
The thought of being with me
Making you miserable
I just wanted to die a million times over
I say it again
Leave the train
Leave
Leave
Leave
You tried to
You told me to
You didn't
The reasons why
I can't say
Because I didn't ask
You didn't know how to get back?
You had no one to pick you up?
Or you never really wanted to leave in the first place
You finally tell me
You're not leaving the train
You're really coming
I'm not happy
But I know what I feel
WHat I will feel
When I see you
When I hug you
When I kiss you
And shit, man
Was I right
You arrived
I noticed your sadness
We hugged
Entered my car
Started talking
The distance between us started to melt
We got home
Gave you something to wear
Went to bed
We talked
Hugged
Kissed
It was like we never stopped dating
It always feels like this
Like we're never too far apart
We're never too estranged
We're never strangers
You didn't feel so well
I finally realized how you have been feeling
What you have been feeling
But I can't even describe it
I don't have the cure
I know nothing
I just wanted you to feel better
Safe
Secure
Happy
I didn't mention our relationship
If this meant we were back together
Nothing
No pressure
This was a weekend off for you
A weekend where you didn't have to do anything you didn't want to
Answer things you didn't want to
Talk about things you didn't want to
I was your boyfriend and best friend these last 3 days
Even if nothing changed
I Was
Your boyfriend
Your lover
Your husband
Your best friend
Even if just for a few days
I made you breakfast saturday
It made me so happy that I could do something for you
You felt ill that morning
I did my best
Scrambled eggs and coffee
With your instructions
(precise instructions)
With bread on the side
You said it was good
We spent the day in bed
Cuddling
Kissing
Talking
I missed it so much
And every time I took it for granted makes me want to kms
Anyway
It was good
It was great
It was perfect
You got me a gift
I gave you one as well
We laughed so much
We go so well together
When you felt a little better
We went for a ride
I tried my best to go through those mountain roads
But they got to you anyway
It was good, but we were quick to back to bed and just snuggle
You made the best rice I've ever had
Don't understand how
But fuck
It was so good
I know I'm just describing a lot of things
And skipping out on others
But
If I ever read this again
I want to remember as much as I can
If you ever read this
I want you to remember as much as you can as well
Every now and then I would start to fog up
On the thought of you leaving today
Sunday, 23
August
So early
The day arrived
You woke up happy
So happy and well
As the hour started to arrive
I was crying
Trying to hide it on your shoulders
We're still in bed
You break up in tears
Saying you don't want to leave
I say I don't want you to leave
We could stay here forever
You could
You can
Come anytime
Stay here
With me
The alarm rings
Time to go
I tear up again
But time isn't on our side
It's never one anyone's side
But
We were happy
We were so happy
Even if you felt ill sometimes
I was so fucking happy
Holding your hand at night
While we slept
Hugging you
Watching dumb videos
The ride to the station was so normal
Like an everyday ride
That we do...
Well, every day
The thing
The train
Which is usually late 20/30min
Got there on time
And on this day
Sunday
23
August
of 2020
At 13,44
1,44 pm
We kissed again
Exchanged I love yous
And I felt like that was the last time I'll ever see you.